January Anxiety

On 1st March 2016, I wrote my very first blog about my mental health struggles with bipolar disorder and anxiety. For me, it was an outlet to share with friends and family what I was experiencing after one of the worst bipolar episodes I had faced and after hospitalisation in 2014. I didn’t realise that this traumatic time in my life, would also cause my mental health to dip and struggle further as I developed PTSD symptoms (panic attacks) and sat on a 2 year waiting list for NHS therapy. Professional support was not coming easily during this time, and so this blog became not only a therapeutic outlet but a place to connect with others going through similar things. And to explain to those who had never experienced mental illness, exactly what it can do but just how you can support those experiencing it.

Part of me can’t fully believe that I have been blogging consistently for 10 years. There have been times where I have wanted to give up but this little blog has been my saviour and in truth, helped me to launch a writing career that I did not expect and am so grateful for. It has also helped others to share their mental health stories and products, been a platform for mental health campaigns and charities and I am super proud of the impact we have had. One of our biggest accolades is being a Top 10 UK mental health blog by Vuelio every year since 2018- which means we are having a positive impact and reach!

The blog has published over 800 posts, with hundreds of thousands of views! It is read on every continent with a particularly large readership in the USA (as well as UK and other countries). We have covered so many topics- bipolar disorder, PTSD, anxiety disorders, depression, pre and post natal depression, OCD, BPD, eating disorders, psychosis, mania, schizophrenia, schizoaffective disorder, trichotillomania, addictions (drug, alcohol, gambling), body dysmorphia and mental health topics like child mental health, work stress, emotional burnout, relationships, domestic and sexual abuse, homelessness. We have shared about wellness products and worked with inspiring health and lifestyle brands.

The blog inspired me to share my own story far and wide – writing for mental health charities Mind, Rethink, Time to Change, Bipolar UK, No Panic, SANE and Metro.co.uk, The Telegraph, Happiful, Glamour, Jewish News, Huff Post. Featured in Cosmopolitan, Elle, Yahoo News and other publications. Thank you particularly to the editors at the publications for sharing my story and believing in my mission! This also led to me writing my book ‘Bring me to Light’ which was published in 2019 by Trigger and remains one of my proudest achievements. I then released my children’s book ‘Arabella and the Worry Cloud’ and had some writing featured in ‘The Book of Hope’ by my friends Jonny Benjamin MBE and Britt Pfluger (an amazing experience!). In 2017-18, I was also involved with setting up the Jami mental health shabbat in my community and spoke in several synagogues and at a community festival Limmud with my Dad, about our journey with bipolar. The same year that I started this blog (2016), I also met my now husband, who supports me through all of my writing and mental health work.

As I look back over the past 10 years, to where we were in 2016 with mental health stigma, I am proud to have played a small part in changing the landscape and narrative online around mental illness, particularly bipolar disorder and psychosis. We have many followers on social media platforms and continue to share about mental health and well being and be a resource for all those who need it, so they never feel alone.

(image: Ineffable Living)

Thank you to every single contributor (and every reader) to Be Ur Own Light Blog 2016-2026. Your words and belief in our mission to end the stigma around mental illness have meant the world to me. I hope going forward I can continue to share more real stories, more important information on care and treatment and campaign for better care.

There is still a way to go. NHS waiting lists are too long and care is under funded, leading to not enough beds. Mental health stigma online (and sometimes offline) sadly still remains high. As a society, although we have improved, we still need to fully understand mental health conditions and separate them from the person themselves. I am optimistic that things can and will change.

To everyone reading this going through a period of mental ill health or living with a chronic mental illness, I see you and you are never alone. As a blog community, we can come together to empower each other, so no one ever feels invisible and I hope that I can continue to write too.

Thank you, from my heart, for the past 10 years! Here’s to many more years,

Love and gratitude always,

Eleanor

(image: E Mandelstam: Burano)

I was hesitant to write this blog as my husband Rob and I have just come back from a truly wonderful holiday in Venice, Italy and I feel so grateful we had that time together. We had been waiting all year to go away properly and we had the best time. We walked over many bridges, saw some beautiful things such as St Marks Square and Basilica, Museo Correr (where I found the most incredible ballroom that was like the one in Beauty and the Beast- see photo below), The Doges’ Palace and we celebrated Robs birthday by going on a day trip by boat to Murano and Burano Islands. Murano is the home of stunning glassmaking and Burano is the island with the colourful houses and its a UNESCO world heritage site, famous for lace making. It was so pretty! We also toured the Jewish quarter- the ghetto in Cannaregio and synagogues, ate lots of delicious food (pasta and tiramisu) and went to Chabad (the Jewish centre) for shabbat, went shopping, took water buses and gondolas and just really enjoyed the time off work and exploring. Venice is a truly beautiful place and at every turn you can see something new and exciting- whether its a boat or gondola going along the canal or towers of meringues in a bakery window, to seeing an old lady shuffling over a bridge carefully with her stick and Italians carrying their dogs in little bags to keep them warm, Venice is full of character and of life. One of my favourite things was seeing the laundry (yes really) being hung out on pulleys over the canal in the Jewish Ghetto area, as they don’t have gardens.

I surprised myself this trip with how much I was able to do exercise wise. My husband loves to keep busy and lives life at a faster pace than I do and there were mornings where I found this hard and felt overwhelmed by the thought of the day, so rested and went out later in the day. But generally, we were able to go and explore some wonderful things together. There were a few days I did 14,000 steps a day! Which for someone who is quite sedentary normally, I was so pleased I could do this. Venice was just a truly beautiful city- we stayed in a lovely hotel that used to be a Palazzo (Palace) and had Murano glass chandeliers, it also was on the Grand Canal and had a Vaporetto (water bus) and Water taxi stop. Exploring the city with my husband gave me such a lovely focus and I was really amazed by how much I was able to do, how much walking I did, which proved to me that I can be active and explore.

(image: E Mandelstam- Museo Correr)

Coming home, I have felt hugely grateful to have had this time with Rob. However, adjusting back to normal life in January is hard anyway, but after a holiday I find my anxiety rises a bit. There have been plans I wanted to do here that I havn’t been able to do. However, I am working on it and on exposure therapy with myself to try and do more things here, go out the house more (as I work from home) and do what I can so that my anxiety doesn’t stop me from living my life.

When you have an anxiety disorder, it can be tough sometimes to go outside, to meet people, to do basic things in your normal environment. The weather is cold and dark early, all you want to do is hibernate. Which I feel is OK! I do notice though that its when I start feeling more anxious and unable to do things and can’t push myself that I have to take a step back and start looking after myself, just plan in a few small things to achieve. Overplanning for me tends to be a disaster! Even on holiday, if there was too much planned in, I found I couldn’t always do it and so we had to adapt plans, but I still did lots so to me, that was a win.

The January blues can be hard whether you have been lucky enough to go away or whether you are here and contemplating a brand new year and what it can bring. Remember to be kind to yourself and make things achievable. Whether you’re looking for a new job or you want to achieve another goal, know it will unfold at the right time. I am not good with being patient, but sometimes we have to be!

If you are struggling with your mental health and you need more support, please reach out to your GP, psychiatrist or therapist if you have one. I find things like taking my medication on time and getting enough rest also help me too. I am also counting the wins of thank G-d being well enough to travel and enjoying that time with my husband. I still achieved things and I have to remember I am capable of more than I think sometimes. The most important thing for me is making I do not spend too much time indoors- as the anxiety can then worsen.