Today, I had my job interview at a primary school. I had to read a book of my choice to a group of 5 children and ask them comprehension questions. I chose ‘Mog the Forgetful Cat’ by Judith Kerr and brought with a cat puppet that looked like Mog, to help bring the book to life. Then, I had a panel interview with the Year 1 teacher, SENCO and another staff member.

I hope it went well. The most important thing is that I went to the interview despite feeling nervy, I didn’t wake up and have a panic attack. I kept telling myself how important it was to go and I went and did it.

What helped me?

– Deep breathing (I did this in the cab on the way there).
– Preparing everything- book, resources, reading school website
– Making sure I got washed and dressed quickly so I didn’t have time to panic hugely.

Today is also the last day of me being 27, as tomorrow I turn 28 🙂 my birthday! Tonight I am going to see the actress Rebel Wilson play Miss Adelaide in Guys and Dolls, with one of my best friends Katie. Its an old musical that I have never seen, although I know a lot of the songs as they are very famous. I am going with a friend, as a birthday present from my dad, and I am very excited.

This year has had many ups and downs, but I am so proud of all I have achieved. I have worked in two schools and thought about building my career as  a teacher, I went on holiday to Italy and am hopefully going to Prague in August, I have fundraised, met new people, been on dates and looked towards the future. This year I have celebrated two of my cousins weddings (one in Cambridge), visited the Cotswolds and Leicestershire,  been to Harry Potter world, Ronnie Scotts, seen Matilda, In the Heights, Thriller and Motown musicals, saw some brilliant films at the cinema, read some books that challenged me and most importantly have tried to live and build my life again.

Life is not always easy. There are times when I feel low but today I am excited for my birthday and going to the theatre tonight. Even if I don’t get  this job, I am proud of myself for trying.

 

Recovery is an interesting word because it encompasses so much. Either, you can be completely healed from something or you have to manage it, in order to move forward and achieve the goals you have.

I would say that in terms of my bipolar- it is well managed on medication but in terms of my panic disorder- that is still a work in progress. I think that I will try some new kind of therapy to help with it as I get really bad morning anxiety at times. I know some of the triggers.

This week, I was offered a job interview at a school which is positive. I just hope that by me being determined and resilient, I can override any worries and anxiety. After all, panic is just nervous energy and I have faced this before with a positive outcome.

I want to be determined and keep fighting. It is not always easy. The road is not always smooth- and sometimes you hit pot holes. But if you get back up after a fall- you are one step closer to success.

Don’t get me wrong there are days when I am miserable and want to hide. But then there are days when I am positive and determined. You learn resilience. If I give up, no one else can fix it for me. So I have learnt to keep going even when there are setbacks. When, I was depressed in the past (and we are talking so low I would stay in bed all day- this was maybe 3/4 years ago) it was so hard to function but now my medication holds me, I am not depressed and I can do things. I just have to learn coping tools for my anxiety.

Recovery is very much a self-lead thing whilst working with a supportive medical team (and of course family and friends). You can get better. You may have setbacks. But these will make you stronger. I still have days where I don’t feel I can fight any more. Yet you have to keep going.

One tool that helped me so much is prayer. Sometimes saying the shema or tehillim (book of psalms) makes me feel closer to G-d. If you aren’t religious, pray to the universe- I really do believes it helps and it brings me so much comfort.

Just remember even when you are at your lowest- This too shall pass. There were days in my past, when I felt low and suicidal (during a depressive episode). There were days when I found it challenging to wash or to talk to people and I slept to get through the day. Thankfully, now, these days are behind me…. but you learn to love and appreciate life when you can live it.

So to anyone reading this going through any similar thing – keep fighting. Thank you for sharing your stories with me.

 

As many of you will know, for years I have drawn inspiration from an amazing singer and artist called India Arie. Her songs have deep lyrics and her personal mission is to heal people through music.

Today, I am going to share her quotes as they are so healing and thought provoking . They all come from Google Images and are not accredited to me but belong to India.Arie and those who created the images.

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This week, more than any, has shown me the immense kindness of the beautiful friends in my life. I am so lucky to have friends that stand by me and show me so much love.

Earlier in the week I was feeling anxious and my friend not only dropped round anyway to check I was ok and get me to come out, but also gave me lifts there and back and made me feel safe and secure.

Then, I saw another friend on Shabbat (Saturday)- I invited a friend to come over. This friend not only brought me themselves but chocolate buttons, 3 girlie mags and 2 girlie books to read, to cheer me up and make me feel better.

I can’t tell you also the supportive and wonderful messages I received to my inbox about my blog and what I am sharing… and to all who called and texted.. and continue supporting me.

So much love to you. Thank you, Thank you, Thank you.

Today, I have been reflecting on everything that has happened to me in the past year or so, since I began to get better from an acute bipolar episode.

I have kept what has happened this year to myself because I felt I didn’t want to broadcast it to the world. However, these are the achievements that I am proud of.

Sometimes I sit and think (I always think too much) about the support I have had, things I have achieved and the amazing blessings that have been brought to my life. I must say that there are days, like yesterday, when I sat and cried and cried because I was so tired and felt in a ‘why me?’ mood. I try not to get like that because it doesn’t help matters but sometimes you just have to let it out.

So after I left hospital in June 2014 and then after day hospital til September 2014 (essentially, a group therapy ward where I met some lovely, inspirational people), I was very depressed and anxious at all the trauma I had been through. With the help of an incredibly supportive nurse and Dr, I managed to get back out into the world, began taking medication that stabilised my moods again and calmed my thoughts and gradually, gradually,  I came out of my shell again.

I had my sister and brother in laws wedding to look forward to, and thank g-d was able to be her maid of honour and walk down the aisle for her, dance with her and enjoy the day. Was such a lovely lovely day..Then, my Dad and I went to Rome on a birthday trip which was just the most wonderful, fun time and whilst I was there, for my birthday I asked people to donate to Jami (Jewish Association for Mental Illness). The total completely  blew me away- my friends and family were so so generous and we raised over £950! I truly was shocked and surprised by everyones kindness. (Thank you if you donated).

After eating huge amounts of pasta and pizza and ice cream in Rome (oh, the gelato), raising so much money for Jami- I felt so positive. I came home and went to Harry Potter studios with my best friends for my birthday, Harry Potter geek alert and made more memories. Then, in September, I began a new job at a school working as a teaching assistant….and started at a different school in February. Both have given me hugely varied experiences and I hope will assist me in my chosen career.

Essentially to cut a long story short, I have had ups and downs with my health since then. I have found that work is a challenge but also a pleasure. I have found that my anxiety flares up when I am super stressed or tired or have done too much. I have appreciated the kindness and beauty of my friends- who also donated to my Jami book sale, and give me constant support and love and understanding- even when mental health issues are hard to understand .

Sustaining work has been a major challenge because I suffer from panic attacks. But I have learnt from my family to be strong and push forward as best I can… although it can be hugely challenging.

I will always remember my incredible friends who came to visit and sent me cards and flowers and food and prayers from abroad too, as well as lighting candles for me. The chicken soup I received every Friday from the local rabbi, my mums cheesecake on shavuot. So much to be grateful for.

I havn’t spoken about this before because I didn’t want it to seem like I am blowing my own trumpet (oh, look what I have achieved etc). But I wanted to talk about the possibility of recovery and of hope despite darkness. It is so important to find the light.

Yesterday I felt super flat, low in mood  and exhausted. I literally could barely do anything, had only slept 4 hours and needed a day to recover. It was then that I discovered I had taken the wrong tablets by mistake (morning instead of evening tablets)- which meant my med dosages were low. Hence, the mood shift as my body adjusted. It is crazy how the medication can effect you…..for me, it is a life line but yesterday was a wake up call.

Today I have felt much better and completed a job application which I am so pleased about. I am planning the future and trying to remain hopeful.

All is not lost 🙂

This week I have been job applying to admin roles that don’t seem as stressful. I have a lead for a job so seeing where that leads for now. Possibly also may do some blogging, social media and admin work for family members, while I have the time.

I must think of the positives. I am not depressed, I am trying and I will find the right job again in due time. Like the title says, resilience!

I had a lovely day yesterday playing with my friend and her kids in the park and then seeing Me Before You at the cinema (romantic weepy.. controversial as about euthanasia). It was fun and I am lucky to have time to do that- to spend quality time with friends and family. So that’s one big positive.

Writing here is so therapeutic for me so will keep writing and sharing my heart.And counting my blessings.

I have been reading Elizabeth Gilberts book ‘ Big Magic: Creative Living Beyond Fear‘. I came across a quote of hers about fear, that sums up how I am feeling at the moment.

I have also been trying to use the DARE method to stop my panic attacks, its a method where you accept and welcome the anxiety, rather than fighting it. Still learning how to implement it and it takes a lot of brain and will power to keep going with the ‘anxiety gremlins’ as I call them. Hopefully this will help me long term.

Here is the quote from Elizabeth Gilbert:

‘For the entirety of my young and skittish life, I had fixated upon my fear as if it were the most interesting thing about me, when actually it was the most mundane. In fact my fear was probably the only 100 percent mundane thing about me. I had creativity within me that was original, I had a personality that was original, I had dreams and perspectives and aspirations within me that were original. But my fear was not original in the least. My fear wasn’t some kind of rare artisanal object, it was just a mass-produced item, available on the shelves of any geoneric box store.

And that’s the thing I wanted to build my entire identity around?

The most boring instinct I possessed?

The panic reflex of my dumbest inner tadpole?

No.’ (p21, Big Magic, Creative Living without Fear, Gilbert)   

I had it all mapped out. I had a part time job that would have lasted a year and would have given me enough money to train as a primary teacher. I had a plan to apply for teacher training in September. My dream was and is to become an early years/ Reception teacher and then specialise in children with special educational needs as a SENCO in a school. This is still exactly what I want but my confidence has been shaken.

It seems that my temperament is not so well suited for the stress of teaching. Yet, I love working with children and other than writing/ blogging, I literally can’t see myself doing anything else.

I trained in drama and applied theatre and i love the creativity drama brings. However, I don’t want to teach drama in a secondary school yet- I don’t feel ready and I prefer working with younger age groups.

I genuinely feel well and truly lost. However, this is a beautiful thing. I have time to dream and think and plan and get myself well so I can achieve my dream of being a happy and confident Reception teacher- nurturing children and helping them learn and grow , but most importantly a happy and confident person. I am going to love life again in all its glory.

I will not let anxiety or depression define who I am. Yes, I do face more challenges than most but I will achieve and I will get better. This is the beauty of being lost.

I had a really restful and good time away at my Dads in Leicestershire, it was peaceful and we went to this amazing 1940s war time cafe (like a mini museum that served tea and cake) and to Bradgate Park, a historical park with beautiful rivers and ruins.

I am now back in London and evaluating my life- how to move forward and what to do next.

It really isn’t easy but I will get there I hope. I just want to feel well and back at work.

x