(image: Unsplash)

I wrote about this a little bit a few days ago on my Instagram and Facebook but thought I would write a longer blog here.

So here goes…

In 2016, I started this little blog as a place to share my emotions and feelings around living with anxiety and panic attacks, processing trauma I had been through a few years before and just as a place to vent to family and friends. Nearly 10 years later, I and many contributors have kept this wonderful corner of the internet going and I am very grateful.

From 2016 onwards, I began to write my heart for mental health charities and national publications after sending pitch emails to them about my more unusual story of being diagnosed with bipolar at 16 and hospitalised twice by 25. At the time, bipolar was way less talked about (with psychosis and hospitalisation still a major taboo) and I wanted to be a part of changing that.

Amazingly everything started to click into place after I began online networking with editos… I was writing articles for Metro.co.uk regularly on mental health (Thank you Yvette!), I was featured in Glamour and the Telegraph (thank you editors!), I started writing for Jewish community papers and for a new magazine at the time, Happiful. Then, I decided I wanted to submit my journey with bipolar from 16 onwards to Trigger Publishing as a memoir and signed with them for a book deal in 2018. 2018 was a year of manifestation and synchronicity for me in many areas of my life.

Then, I was asked to write my story to be featured in the Book of Hope by my friends Jonny Benjamin MBE and Britt Pfluger alongside celebrities including Dame Kelly Holmes, Zoella, Alastair Campbell ,Elizabeth Day, Joe Wicks and many others including friends in the mental health writing world. Seeing my name on the cover alongside all these successful people I admired was something else and again my story of hope against adversity was being shared globally to help people who needed it.

My own book Bring me to Light came out in November 2019 just a few months before the Covid Pandemic and so I couldn’t get out there to promote it fully but it still did well on Amazon and was sold in Waterstones and globally. Its something I am hugely proud of despite sometimes feeling shy that my story is out there for all tom read.

Since 2020, I have kept blogging, writing for Metro.co.uk from time to time and I finally self published my children’s book Arabella and the Worry Cloud. However, imposter syndrome has really kicked in, let me explain.

The start of my writing career happened when I was unemployed due to my mental health. I had to leave a face to face teaching job due to my anxiety. I had no idea that this little blog for friends and family would turn into so much. In fact I would say it was a total whirlwind. I was only 30 when I signed my book deal (independently without an agent). I was just 28 when I started writing openly about my mental health and I often feel like an imposter! That little voice that says you’re not good enough because…

I am an independent writer which means I don’t yet have an agent but I have been published before by several publishers and I have also self published my kids book. So I worry that I won’t ever find an agent, that my dream of being a professional author with a team around me (agent, marketing team, earning good money from my craft) seems out of reach. In this industry as well when you pitch to agents to take on your book, it comes with a lot of rejection. My children’s book for example was rejected by Pan Macmillan (although I was fortunate to know someone there who was able to look at my manuscript). I know I need to keep going to help others, but sometimes it feels super lonely and you have to be so resilient. Rejection is normal but its hard.

I chose not to go into journalism full time in a news room for health reasons but I love to write freelance from home and hope to continue to do so.

I guess I feel like an imposter because my career that I did work hard for, came after my former editor Yvette connected with me on Twitter, she liked my blog and commissioned me to write mental health articles (despite at that point never meeting). This was the same for so many incredible editors who gave me their time and knowledge including Naomi Greenaway at the Telegraph , Deborah Joseph (formerly of Glamour) and Rebecca at Happiful. I truly feel blessed these women championed me and my writing.

So I guess what I want to say is that its OK to feel like you aren’t there yet, like you aren’t good enough, like the mountain of where you want to be is too hard to climb. What I have found is when people believe in you, in your ideas, in your story and when you can find that inner confidence and believe in yourself- incredible things can happen. You can manifest your dreams and I do believe one day more will manifest (even if my little imposter voice speaks up).

I want to end this story with something quite relevant that haunts me to this day. I was staying at my Dads when I was writing my first book, in the middle of the Buckinghamshire countryside at the time. I was more ‘high profile’ in the mental health world and very prolific on Twitter back in 2018-19 and so I received an email invitation from a producer at BBC Women’s Hour for a segment they were doing about bipolar. She asked if I would come on the show to talk about it. My fear/ panic about being exposed and too seen (and not worthy) meant I didn’t feel able to do it and I have kicked myself ever since! If anyone from Women’s Hour is reading this (haha) please do get back in touch!

But seriously- sometimes fear and anxiety stops us from doing what we most want to do but are too frightened to do. I still feel scared to give talks about my kids book. I look at others on Instagram who are Sunday Times Bestsellers and have agents and I think to myself….will I ever get there? Unfortunately social media comparisonitis at age 36 (i know I am still young) is still rife.

I think I have to remember that its OK to feel like this, as my friends have told me, so many creatives do. And its ok to take my time, work hard and see where it lands. It’s also OK to take other jobs while being a writer isn’t paying a main income too. I feel imposter syndrome in other areas of my life too but thats a blog for another day.

Do you feel imposter syndrome?

Thanks for reading,

Ellie x