We are a Vuelio Top 10 UK Mental Health Blog! 2018 Award

Today I got an email from the lovely people at Vuelio to say they have listed us as Top 10 UK Mental Health Blog.

We are number 8, alongside some incredible blogs and organisations such as the Mental Elf and Mental Health Foundation as well as blogger friends of mine- check them all out .

Thanks so much Vuelio! This award is important as it is about being influential in our industry so am so happy to recieve it.

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See the list here: https://www.vuelio.com/uk/social-media-index/mental-health-blogs-uk-top-10/

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Dealing with Loss: Losing Grandma

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(image of Lady of Shalott Roses : Pinterest)

This blog post is really hard for me to write.

Many of you know, that my beloved Grandma passed away last week after a long battle with Parkinsons disease and dementia. Both are horrible conditions and it was very difficult to see her suffering.

I am happy that she is free from the severe symptoms she experienced. Grandma was bedbound for over a year and her mind was taken over by the dementia too.

I have such wonderful memories of my Grandma- she was kind, caring, loving, beautiful, glamourous, with a huge heart. She gave so much love to her friends and family and to us grandchildren. She believed in us, motivated us and was a second mother.

I know part of her will always lie within me.

We are Jewish and have just come out of the week of mourning. This is called shiva and friends and family come to support the family.

It was very helpful but I still can’t believe shes not here any more. Grandma was a light in my world and I will always, always miss her. The only comfort is that she is at peace and has relief from suffering.

The above picture is of the Lady of Shalott rose. The poem by Tennyson-  The Lady of Shalott- was one of my Grandmas favourites that we read to her in hospital. I am named after my Grandmas Mum, Rose. Our family found these Lady of Shalott roses at Kenwood, when they got up from their week of mourning during a walk there- a special and comforting sign.

I will love my Grandma always and I know she will be there with me on my wedding day next year. I take comfort from the fact she knew I was happy and settled and my last conversation with her was about my engagement.

We are still grieving for her. It takes time. We are trying to be there for my Grandpa too- they were married for 66 years.

Grandma- I will love you always and forever. You will be in my heart and never forgotten.

 

 

Life Whirlwind: Mental Health Writing, Blogging and Speaking, Bipolar Disorder and a trip to Romania.

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(image: Pinterest)

The past few weeks have been incredibly busy- but exciting. This month has been a bit of a rebirth in many ways. My writing and blogging have truly taken off and been published in various different places- this month my story is in Happiful Magazine, two articles for Metro on mental health (www.metro.co.uk), I shared my story in the Jewish News here in the UK and online at STOP Suicide. It has been Time to Talk Day (about mental health), Childrens Mental Health Awareness Week and I have also volunteered this month with Jami (Jewish Association of Mental Illness) Mental Health Awareness Shabbat, which this year came to around 97 Jewish communities in the UK. I attended the panel event at a local community centre and discussion was had on mental health here in the UK, by experts including my friend Jonny Benjamin.

This month, I have also been asked by a friend to come in and talk to his work place about living with anxiety and what it means. So that is hugely exciting for me! I am also writing a mental health article for a top womens magazine- which is a dream of mine. I hope to share that with you when its published.  I have been writing sample chapters for a book too and am in the limbo phase of waiting to hear what editors think.

So, its been a total whirlwind really as I have also been running my blog here and sharing peoples stories (and last month this blog was nominated as a finalist for a UK Blog Award). I was also asked last week if a social media editor could turn my story into a video for her 200 thousand followers so that is in process too. I had not ascertained how much interest there would be in my story.

Professionally, a lot is changing and I have to be very much aware to look after my mental health, to get enough sleep and rest, to make sure I take my tablets on time, to eat well and do some gentle exercise and to see and speak to my friends (and boyfriend of course). I have to keep grounded and rested in order to function effectively. Last week, the Jewish News article came out and I know it has had a positive ripple effect in my community- as my Mum was stopped in the pharmacy for people to talk to her about it. So thats exciting.

I am a shy person at heart and I have written extensively on having social anxiety. When my JN article came out, i actually felt very anxious at first and wanted to hide away. Mental health stigma is still present in my community and I felt scared. But I needn’t have worried as the reaction has been very positive!

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I am still processing all thats going on and I am lucky to have a really good therapist and family/ boyfriend support network to help me deal with the changes going on. I am still adjusting to the financial side of being a freelance writer and pitching to editors at different places. My latest Metro article on child grief came out on Friday and you can read it here: http://metro.co.uk/2018/02/02/children-often-get-sidelined-when-a-family-experiences-loss-why-its-important-we-talk-to-pupils-in-schools-about-grief-7270002/

Over the weekend, I went with my Dad to Iasi, Romania (on the border with Moldova) which is where my great Grandpa and his family were from. It was an eye opening trip- the city is grand and full of culture. However, as Jews we had relatives who died in the Holocaust and found this out using the Yad Vashem Holocaust database when we came back. It was great seeing Iasi but also sad as some of our relatives were taken from there to be killed – but an eye opening trip.

Today, I am feeling thankful and grateful for all thats going on and thankful for you who are reading and following and commenting- and enjoying my work.

With love, Eleanor x

We have won the Sunshine Blogger Award!

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Thank you to Sue at http://www.myloudbipolarwhispers.com for nominating Be Ur Own Light as one of their Sunshine Bloggers! Sue wrote, ‘I believe this great group of people and their blogs bring a lot of joy and sunshine and education into the lives of many people and I also pray these lovely people have a lot of joy and sunshine in their lives every day.’

Thank you so much Sue for this beautiful accolade and for paving the way in battling stigma against bipolar disorder and mental health in general! You are a star in a dark world 🙂

So these are the rules except I can’t think of 11 people to nominate, so I will do 4!

Rules for “The Sunshine Blogger Award”

  1. Thank the blogger who nominated you and link to them.
  2. Answer the eleven questions asked.
  3. Nominate 11 other bloggers. (I am doing 4)
  4. Create 11 new and different questions for them to answer.
  5. List the rules.
  6. Include the “Sunshine Blogger Award” logo in your post somewhere

    Sue has asked me to provide answers to the following questions:

    How old are you?  29

    How old were you when you were diagnosed with mental illness, or other type of chronic and/or invisible illness or grief?  Diagnosed with bipolar affective disorder at 16, lived with anxiety disorder from 17/18

    Where do you live? London, UK

    What makes you happy? Sunshine, sunflowers, autumn leaves, chocolate, Reading books and of course my boyfriend, friends and family.

    What makes you angry: War, refugees still having to flee, terrorism and mental health stigma

    When was the last time you experienced mental illness stigma or any other type of stigma or discrimination? A few years ago when someone refused to set me up on a date with someone they knew due to my illness being disclosed.

    What is your favorite kind of candy?  Cadburys chocolate

    What is your favorite season and why? Autumn (Fall)- because its so cosy and I love fairy lights, hot chocolate, snuggling in blankets, autumn leaves etc.

    How long have you been blogging? Here on WordPress for almost 2 years and before that on Blogger and elsewhere for 2 years. I am a writer so am always blogging.

    Do you prefer a sunny or a cloudy/rainy day? Usually sunny but there is something very cosy about watching the rain from inside.

    I nominate the following because they are rays of light in the blogging world, sharing, writing and wearing their hearts on their sleeves. They sparkle in tackling mental health stigma and I am so proud to have them as Followers of my blog.

    Alexis Rose-  https://atribeuntangled.com/

    Paul McGinley- https://paulmcginleymentalhealth.wordpress.com/

    Christina at Sea of Words- https://seaofwordsx.wordpress.com/

    Happiness Hunt Blog      https://thehappinesshunt.wordpress.com

    These are the following questions they must answer:
    1) Why did you start your blog?
    2) How long have you been blogging and what is your passion?
    3) Which country are you based and what is mental health care like there?
    4) What is your favourite movie?
    5) If you could chose one actor to play you in the film of your life who would it be?
    6) What has helped you on your recovery journeys?
    7) Where would you most want to travel to?
    8) What is your favourite food?
    9) Why do you like writing?
    10) Which song makes you smile?
    11) If you could pick a spirit animal who would you pick?

    Congratulations on the award !

The Anxiety Wheel: Lifes Voyage

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It has been a while- about a month since I have written about everything going on. This is because between the moments where I feel full of health and happy, I have been experiencing morning panic attacks at times again and I just didn’t have the energy to process it and write about it.

I have had morning anxiety for a long time, where I wake feeling overwhelmed and fearful about the day and I have had lots of therapy to try and help combat it. The only thing that seems to work for me a the moment is resilience and picking myself back up- but its not easy. After the adrenaline stops, I often feel embarrassed that I couldnt do a desired activity and I don’t want to let others down also. Its a catch 22.

I am doing a bit better this week but last week was tough. When I have breakthroughs, moments where I can socialise or go to work- then its excellent because it gives me confidence to continue.

Here is a diary entry I wrote in Starbucks the other day to make sense of the ups and downs of what I term the ‘Anxiety Wheel’:

In the past week and a half, I have been experiencing an increase in my levels of anxiety. It reminds me of a metaphor- that of running around a hamster wheel. Let me explain.

Sometimes it feels like I’m treading, treading, treading, trying to keep the wheel of life turning. Trying with all my might to function at a ‘normal’ pace. There are days when I can enjoy the running and everything feels enjoyable and exciting. There are days when I can take my feet off the hamster wheel and rest.

Yet, sometimes in my rest times, I can be overwhelmed by the anxious thoughts of lifes spinning wheel. It all feels too much and then I freeze, I hide, I go into fight or flight. I metaphorically hide and sleep in my safe cage, before I pick up the courage to turn lifes wheel again.

Today I am taking back control of my life and spinning the wheel slowly and cautiously before I get back into the full groove again. Picking myself up after panic attacks is not at all easy,. However, with support, resilience and inner strength, I can do this. I will feel safe and comfortable.’

Psychiatric Medication and Weight Gain- a Journey to taking back control.

This post is intensely personal for me as it encompasses 3 years of recovery from  a severe bipolar manic episode that left me hospitalised. Weight gain is a side effect from more than one of my medications and in this article I will explain my journey and why now I want to take control back.

I have (up until the past few years) always been tall, slim and curvy and never had to worry about my weight. It simply didnt register to me that I couldn’t eat carbs or ice cream or pizza (or my favourite food in the world- pasta)- my height, at 5 foot 10, meant I could carry my weight more than the average short person.

The first time I put on significant amounts of weight due to psychiatric medication was after going on the anti psychotic Olanzepine, aged 16 after an acute episode of depression. I ballooned in weight (due to cravings) and put on maybe 2 stone (not sure what that is in kilos)- but at the time as I was a teenager with a fast metabolism, I was able to lose the weight once I came off the Olanzepine and go back to being a size 12 . My first mood stabiliser- Carbamazepine, that I was on for 10 years didn’t cause the weight gain I have now seen and I went back to being slim.

Over the years as I was put on different anti depressants and experienced suicidal depressions and social anxiety, I comfort ate- pasta, chocolate, cheese to take away the pain of the depression. Still, in 2013, I was maybe only a UK size 14-16 (having been an average 12-14). As mentioned, my tall frame meant I didn’t look big.

Then, in 2014, I was hospitalised due to mania and psychosis and given many medications for psychosis and anxiety- Haloperidol, Benzodiazepines, Upped dosage of Quetaipine in addition to my mood stabiliser and anti depressants . Also during the mania, my mind was so busy that I constantly craved food and snacks and couldn’t regulate my appetite. So weight gain was inevitable.

I put on a lot of weight over my time in hospital, day hospital and at home when recovering afterwards- I wasn’t working, was very anxious and low and the comfort eating began. Add to the lack of exercise- I became overweight and unfit fast. I also found that my new stabiliser Lithium, plus the Quetaipine and anti deps, meant I had bad sugar cravings and became addicted to sugar. I still am, but I am trying to regulate it. This meant I was drinking a lot of juice and eating chocolate.

This week I went to the Doctor and was weighed. I have put on 5 stone in 3 years since Ive been unwell. This was a huge wake up call. The Doctor told me that reducing the Quetaipine would help my weight loss as it causes increase in appetite.

I have bought the Slimming world cook book and Exercise DVDS and really need to find the willpower to just start my diet and exercise regime. Being the size I am- I need to lose weight for health reasons and this is what is spurring me on to begin.

On Pacing Myself

pace1I am very much enjoying my work at the moment- however one thing has come to the forefront and that is balancing my work and social life. I have learnt how important it is to pace myself and take things at a slower pace in order to achieve what I would like. Also, my anxiety becomes triggered if I do too much and all at once and so its really important for me to have down time to balance out the other parts of my life.

My anxiety can strike randomly and I have to cancel arrangements, which I hate doing, but is sometimes essential. I try and do too much- so this is a reminder for me to be kind to myself and take things at the right pace for me.

I think this should be applied as a general rule. I can’t be everything to everyone. I must take time to breathe and slow down and appreciate. For only then can I be truly and optimally happy.

My Blogging Journey: An Update

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All has been so busy here at Be Ur Own Light of late that I havn’t often had time to sit down and just breathe and be. I started this blog back in March time as a personal journal and a way for me to speak to friends and family about my struggles with bipolar and anxiety.

Since then, it has been read on almost every continent excluding the Poles (thank you), gained a larger following here on WordPress and on social media and led me to collaborate with a variety of mental health writers and bloggers, campaigners, charities and  health campaigns.

From there, I have also started blogging for the Huffington Post Lifestyle under my real name and am hoping to collaborate with many others. My dream would be to have a feature in Glamour UK Magazine, Stella Magazine or Grazia. I hope that by putting it out to the universe that this will happen!

I would also like to write my own Mental health book and memoir and become a published author and raise more money for charities.

Thank you so much for reading and being a part of my writing journey. Thank you for your likes, follows, comments, guest posts and Tweets/ Insta messages. Thank you for reading from your corner of the world.

I hope to make Be Ur Own Light a big magazine style blog, reaching as many people as possible. For now though, I am humbled by the love and support I have received so far. If you want to collaborate with me just email beurownlight@gmail.com or Tweet me. 

With gratitude and love x