(image: Kelly Sikkema: Unsplash)

In 2021, I was hospitalised for the second time in my life, due to an acute psychotic episode as a result of my then-recent diagnosis of Bipolar Disorder (Type One). Hospitalisation is one of the scariest, most unsettling periods of time but – a sometimes – necessary stage to recovery. I was so deep within my psychosis for the first week of my admission that I was quite oblivious to my surroundings and the people I was sharing the space with.

However, when my psychosis started to subside and I began to return to my true self, more free from delusions and mania, I was struck with a strong feeling of not belonging. I felt truly and utterly lost. 

My ward was made up of around fifteen other women, with varying diagnosis, in differing mental states and from different walks of life. Yet, somehow I still felt like an outsider.

At first I was trying to think why. Was it because I was a Northerner in a Southern hospital? Was it because I was one of few that was the same ethnicity as myself? Was it that I was younger than most? There were so many factors that could have been the result of me feeling at a loss and not finding belonging.

Ultimately, no one wants to feel like they belong inside a psychiatric hospital. However, I believe there is merit in feeling like you have a place and in finding a sense of belonging helped me to have grounding and a base that wasn’t initially there. 

Here are a few factors, of which helped me to find belonging:

1. Acceptance – A lot of my initial struggle was the complete denial, fuelled mainly by my delusional thoughts, that I wasn’t mentally ill and I was in the wrong place. The acceptance that I was a patient in a place that was designed to help me was a key turning point within my recovery. I belonged and thus was worthy of treatment and a future. 

2. Routine – Although I grappled with feeling like I was becoming institutionalised, I think sticking to the routine of the ward was really important. Asides from the benefits of attending meal times, having the structure meant seeing familiar faces, both staff and patients and having positive interactions. 

3. Involvement – Attending the therapy sessions that were available were so beneficial. My ward had a brilliant occupational therapist and other specialists that would come in to do structured sessions such as music therapy, cooking or yoga classes. Again, I got to see familiar faces and it brought with it a sense of community. 

4. Authenticity – One of my biggest struggles throughout both manic, and depressive periods, is finding it hard to connect to my true authentic self. Reconnecting to myself and allowing myself to just be me meant that I felt more relaxed and at ease.

Finding this sense of belonging in a place where no one wants to belong ultimately gave me the grounding to go forward and look forward to a brighter future. 

Katie is a freelance writer who lives with bipolar disorder in recovery and has courageously shared her experiences of being hospitalised here.