Where do I begin?
As always, with my bipolar, when I think I am doing fine and coping OK, when I don’t feel fragile and I start to gain inner strength, I tend to have disruptive ‘blips’. These blips are often in the form of anxious thoughts and emotions, leading to morning anxiety and panic attacks.
This week, I have not been able to go into my work place as I wake up in flight or fight mode. This means that I wake up and think the day will be OK and manageable, then as I begin to wake up, the adrenaline and cortisol wakes up. All I then want to do is run away, avoid the situation because it feels so threatening and scary.
Now, I know this is irrational. I love my job and my work, I love the kids and I love my colleagues. However what has happened is I was out of routine due to the school holidays and meaning there was a gap for the anxious thoughts to be woken up and pour in.
Usually, the night before I will lie in bed feeling anxious and trying to distract myself by listening to the radio, reading books etc and journalling if the thoughts are too strong. However, I wake up in the morning and panic. I don’t know at the minute if it is social anxiety about having to go out in the world and work- or if its a change in routine or other insecurities or factors.
Yesterday I saw my wonderful counsellor who gave me a pep talk and some advice regarding my anxiety. Hopefully I will master it and keep going instead of avoiding and running away.