Those who have Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) often have trouble maintaining relationships. Though not every relationship will go through these stages and the process isn’t always linear, there are six distinct phases they can go through (although each person is different). Those phases can include the following.
Idealisation
The first phase, often the start of the relationship, is the idealisation phase. Someone with BPD will shower their partner with affection, so the relationship starts out passionately. They may develop feelings fast, and they may mistake the initial feelings of passion as finding the person they’re going to be with forever. Those getting help for their mental health at a Borderline personality treatment center will learn how to recognise this phase in their relationships.
Fear of Abandonment
Once the relationship is underway, the person with BPD will end up watching everything their partner does carefully. The fear of abandonment is strong, so they end up worrying that there are signs that they will be left behind. If their partner doesn’t answer a text message fast enough, the person with BPD might feel like their partner is thinking of leaving them. This can put strain on the relationship.
Reassurance
At this point, the person with BPD will attempt to get reassurance that the partner isn’t going to leave. They might start arguments in an attempt to get the partner to prove they are willing to fight to stay in the relationship. This is often where relationships turn toxic, as the behaviour leads to more arguments and fights in an effort to get the partner to prove they’re serious about the relationship.
Distress
Because of the toxicity in the relationship, it will start to fall apart. The person with BPD will see this coming and start to feel like there’s no way to save the relationship. They’re may feel like they are empty, but they do not have a way to communicate this with their partner. The lack ofcommunication skills can spell disaster for the relationship.
Abandonment
The person with BPD is likely to be the first one to break up the relationship. At this point, it’s difficult if not impossible for the relationship to recover, even if the person with BPD realises what they’ve done. This ultimately creates the feeling of being abandoned, so they are likely going to feel like their fear is real and will be more likely to repeat these phases in the future.
Grief
The final stage is grief. They may end up blaming themselves for the relationship ending and can engage in self-harm or other destructive behaviours as a result. Some will turn to substance abuse or risky behaviours as they grieve the end of the relationship. Depending on the severity of BPD, the intensity of the relationship, and other factors, it may not take long to get from the idealisation stage to the grief stage, which can make going through this stage worse.
BPD disorder doesn’t mean that a relationship is impossible and not all relationships with them will go through these phases. However, this is a common way that relationships play out when one of the people suffers from BPD. Therapy and relationship counselling can help both people to recover and repair from any toxic relationship patterns.
Borderline personality disorder (BPD) affects people’s thoughts about themselves and others. People with borderline personality disorder experience extreme emotions. A person with this disorder is likely to have intense relationships with many ups and downs. Other signs of borderline personality disorder include impulsivity and changes in one’s self-image. Anger management issues and mood swings can both be symptoms of BPD. They could also fear being left behind or abandoned.
Sometimes, people with borderline personality disorder are also affected by obsessive-compulsive disorder or OCD. The person and their loved ones may find it challenging to cope with a borderline personality disorder. But borderline personality disorder is something that can be learned to manage. You can learn to manage borderline personality disorder with the proper professional care, self-help techniques, and coping skills and have a happy and successful life.
Coping mechanisms for borderline personality disorder
A borderline personality disorder is a condition that affects each person differently. Find out what works for you by taking your time. Everyone’s situation may be different, but by taking the actions listed below, you can cope with borderline personality disorder :
1. Engage in physical activities
Exercise may help you stabilize and regain emotional control if you have problems coping with BPD. Exercises like yoga, boxing, running, and cycling may be beneficial.
2. Take some time off for yourself
Although social isolation has adverse effects, occasionally removing yourself from other people might be a healthy coping mechanism for BPD. Spend some time alone, and rejuvenate yourself without the influence of others. Reflecting alone might assist you in readjusting if you are experiencing intense anger or feeling emotionally out of control.
3. Write emails or letters to people but don’t send them
This is a great way to express feelings and decompress. The effects are similar to keeping a journal, making it possible to express yourself without having your words negatively affect your relationships. By delaying sending the message, you can go back and read what you said after the initial emotions have subsided.
4. Take breaks
Feelings of rage and anger might be reduced temporarily by leaving a stressful setting and looking after yourself.
5. Keep yourself occupied as much as you can
Keep yourself occupied to divert your attention from your current feelings. Holding a fidget toy such as a slinky, helps keep your hands engaged and allows your mind to concentrate on the recent activity.
(image: Unsplash)
Is obsessive-compulsive disorder related to borderline personality disorder?
BPD is thought to be fundamentally linked to obsessive-compulsive symptoms. These symptoms are intense, and BPD patients who experience them often exhibit poor insight, resistance, and sometimes obsessive control in interpersonal interactions.
A 5% prevalence of borderline personality disorder (also known as BPD) has been seen in OCD patients. Additionally, these patients with BPD and OCD had greater rates of anxiety, mood, and eating problems. These examples of co-occurring BPD and OCD have been linked to motor impulsivity, mental compulsions, and compulsions involving interpersonal domains.
How is OCD treated?
Treatment for obsessive-compulsive disorder may not provide a cure, but it can help keep symptoms under control so they don’t interfere with your everyday life. Some patients may require long-term, continuous, or more extensive treatment depending on how severe their OCD is. Psychotherapy and medicines are the two essential OCD treatments, and treatment is frequently most successful when these are used in conjunction.
How can you cope with OCD?
Below you’ll find mechanisms that will help you cope with obsessive-compulsive disorder:
1. Acknowledge your OCD’s existence
Like the monster you used to think lived beneath your bed as a child, OCD can seem like an uncontrollable power waiting to strike. Give your OCD a name and a shape rather than letting it be a faceless villain. It might benefit kids and adults to view OCD as a distinct condition. Remember, OCD is not your fault, and there is no need to feel ashamed.
2. Maintain an OCD journal
An OCD journal serves the same purpose as the food journals that some people use to record their daily dietary intake when on a diet. You can keep note of your triggers in an OCD journal, discover new ones, and evaluate the general state of your OCD. Keep an OCD journal with you at all times, and write down what happens when you perform a compulsion. After reading through your diary entries at the end of the day, ask yourself the following questions.
● Why did these circumstances make me OCD-prone?
● What would have occurred if my resolutions hadn’t been carried out?
● What proof is there that what I feared would occur?
3. Use Exposure and Response Prevention (ERP) techniques
ERP is a popular method for addressing and maybe easing OCD. When adopting ERP, a person exposes themselves to a circumstance that causes an obsession and then refrains from acting on their compulsion. Try creating an OCD ladder by ranking your triggers and associated anxieties on a ten-rung ladder from 1 to 10 in terms of their seriousness. You should start with a low-level trigger when you initially start ERP, and after you’ve faced it, wait 10 seconds before acting on your urge. Increase the amount of time you go without gradually employing your compulsion until you can handle the task or scenario without it. As you master your triggers, climb the OCD ladder.
4. Redirect your focus
If you have OCD compulsions or obsessions or feel one coming on, try diverting your attention from the problem. You can either mentally or physically refocus your attention. Try repeating the program if, after the period of refocusing, you still feel the need to finish your obsession.
5. Keep your stress levels down
OCD is difficult to live with, and stress can make these tasks even more difficult. Keeping your stress level low is essential because it has been demonstrated that stress dramatically increases OCD in people. Make sure to arrange some time each day to relax. Finding an hour each day to decompress, watching some TV, reading a book, or going for a run, can be pretty helpful.
Final thoughts
You can learn coping methods and healthy lifestyle choices without allowing the illnesses and symptoms to define you. Finding strategies that work for you is critical. You should also be open and honest with close family members about your needs. For example, you should tell family members how to help you if you feel angry or emotional. You are not defined by your illness and you can learn to cope- reach for support.
About the Author: Dr. Joann Mundin is a board-certified psychiatrist who has been in practice since 2003. She is a Diplomate with the American Board of Psychiatry and Neurology and a Fellow with the Royal College of Physicians and Surgeons of Canada. Currently associated with Mindful Values, she provides assessments and treatment for patients with severe mental illness.
There are many misconceptions about having Borderline Personality Disorder/Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder.
I do not say that lightly, and I am more than a little convinced that most people who have BPD would agree with me. Personality disorders in general suffer under the stigma of being completely misunderstood by the majority of the general public. Hell, I completely misunderstood personality disorders until being told that I had one.
‘Ah’, said I. ‘That explains a lot. But not everything.’
And it did explain a lot. I thoroughly enjoy (in a very, very weird way) telling people that I am emotionally unstable. Diagnosed. Got the paperwork. Makes them quite uncomfortable, makes me cackle like a little pixie. Obviously, I don’t just go around telling strangers that, it’s always in context of the situation. But for some reason, although the people I love are more than happy to discuss depression and anxiety, when it comes to personality disorders they start ‘shuffling’.
But I’m not about to shy away from talking about BPD and my lived experience of it, because it’s only through understanding other people’s experiences that we learn anything.
I came here today to bust through one misconception in particular. One that I definitely held for a long time, and one that I only dropped when I read more about Borderline Personality Disorder and how it can manifest in different people.
Most people think of BPD as the person ‘acting out’.
They think of the disorder as being very outwards and visible. There’s horror story after horror story sensationalising the ‘classic’ borderline personality disorder on the internet – all written from the perspective of someone who doesn’t actually have it. But knows someone who does. It’s horrendous, and it’s awful, and it taints many people’s perceptions of what BPD actually is.
My lived experience is very different, and it wasn’t until I came across somearticles on The Mighty detailing what ‘quiet’ BPD is that I truly began to understand how my brain works, and how my BPD manifests. This is not to say that it’s any ‘better’ than classic BPD.
This is just to say that nobody has the same lived experience as everyone else, and that’s why we need a mix of stories and voices all telling their own unique stories about the same disorders. That new coat of fresh paint on the same topic adds something to the narrative.
This is my lived experience.
For me, my BPD manifests itself internally. On the outside, I look reasonably ‘sane’ and ‘put together’. The inside is a maelstrom of thoughts and emotions that are hard to understand, hard to deal with, and consistent. Honestly, if I could crack my head open and let all the thoughts that are constantly throwing themselves around my brain out, everyone I know would be shocked.
I still have the same impulsivity, self-injurious behaviours, fears of being abandoned, mood swings, and black and white feeling that people with classic BPD have. But instead of ‘acting out’, I ‘act in’.
I often describe BPD as having no emotional skin. Where something might affect you slightly, it affects me completely. Like touching an exposed nerve ending, every feeling is intensely strong and always too much. It’s exhausting to always feel everything to such an intense level.
It does make relationships hard. But I don’t lash out at the person, I lash out at myself. It’s self-destructive in a way that nothing else really is. I’ve had to work very hard to keep my thoughts and feelings internal in the fear that if the people I love knew how I truly felt, they’d leave me immediately. My life is a constant whirlwind of convincing myself that everyone hates me, that everyone is going to leave, and then finding a rational moment and remembering that people don’t hate me.
I’ve been told enough times.
I want to believe I am a good person, but I don’t yet know if it’s true. Quiet BPD is just as hard to deal with as classic BPD, but you probably wouldn’t know it from the outside. I would never take out my feelings on people I know, because that’s just not me. I will, however, take them out on myself. I will distance myself from people without them realising why. I will be trying, 90% of the time, to please people to make them like me.
It’s hard to admit what’s going on in my head. But it’s because it’s so hard that I do it, and I continue to push through and talk about the really difficult bits of mental illness. Without these conversations, none of us would know what people go through – and then we’ve got a problem.
This article was written by Cordelia Moor for Time to Talk Day 2019. Cordelia can be found at www.cordeliamoor.com
I have bipolar disorder and four years ago I was hospitalised for a severe manic episode.
Without the love, kindness and support of my friends, I definitely would not have recovered as well.
Their support reminds me I am not alone and helps me to feel loved and safe. But mental ill health can be frightening for those who do not understand it, and sometimes friendships can be lost when one person experiences a mental health condition.
Some people may find it hard to cope with symptoms of a friend’s illness and, as such, cut ties or back away.
Jessica Valentine, psychologist at the Brighton Wellness Centre spoke to Metro.co.uk. She says: ‘Sometimes having a friend with a mental health illness can be draining. ‘On the other hand, it’s good to experience the journey of mental health; the ups and the downs, from a personal level. ‘You really get to ‘feel’ your friend come out of the depression. And, it somewhat makes you feel that you are living it too, side by side, helping them.’
The Mental Health Foundation explains that friendship can ‘play a key role in helping someone live with or recover from a mental health problem and overcome the isolation that often comes with it.
It advises that many people who manage to hold onto friendships while experiencing a mental health condition can see those friendships become stronger as a result.
I wanted to see the role of friendships in other peoples’ lives, either when they were coping with a mental health condition, or when they had witnessed a friend in crisis.
beurownlight.com 