Tag: Mental illness

Living with Uncertainty- Life and Journeys with Mental Illness

~ Eleanor Segall ~ Leave a comment

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*Trigger warning- talks about severe depression. Please be careful when reading*

There is so much I want to write on here that I havn’t yet written. Some topics  are too deep or painful for me to address- particularly surrounding certain aspects of previous hospitalisations. I hope one day I can share these with you. However, as a writer, I often get into the flow and just want to spill whats in my heart. So, this blog is about what living with mental illness can mean- its uncertainty and coming to terms with my own brain.

As most of you know, I was diagnosed with bipolar affective disorder, a mood disorder, as a teenager. I was poorly with depression and a mixed state in hospital when diagnosed and I don’t think fully came to terms with what the diagnosis meant until a few years later.

Being diagnosed so young instilled a lot of fear in me and a lot of avoidance. I decided not to drink alcohol or try drugs- as I didn’t know their effect on my brain and I was already  pretty anti drugs for many reasons. I knew my illness meant that the chemistry in my brain wasnt the same as everyone else without it- I had either too little seretonin causing depression, or too much causing hypomania and manic episodes. I felt often that despite taking mood stabilising medication and anti depressants and tablets to help PMS- that everything was uncertain. I had no idea when the next episode would strike- or if I would  be well enough recognise it.

I am lucky. My illness is very severe when it happens. Yet, I went 10 years without a manic episode or hospitalisation, though I suffered from acute depression that got truly so bad I didn’t want to be here anymore- which is quite a common side effect of being depressed. I was able to be supported at home and with my psychiatrist. I knew it was my depressed thoughts and not me- but this uncertainty  was incredibly stressful to myself and my family. I spent years being depressed and anxious and trying (and failing at times) to function- because my medication wasn’t holding me and my brain correctly.

Despite the uncertainty of so many things- dating, the effect of stressors in my life, work, etc- I am doing well at the moment. However, the uncertainty of the illness makes you worry that you could suddenly get ill again.

I practise a lot of self care- try to get to bed early, eat well, take my medication, tell my family or friends if feeling low etc. However, I always live with the knowledge that my Bipolar may pop up at different times in my life- and important times.

Due to having had this for 13 years- I am used to living with the chronic nature of my mental health condition. It can still be frightening and distressing and down right annoying. Yet, with the right support network and medical team, I know I can stay well for as long as my brain allows me- and I can get well and recover.

Recovery makes you stronger, Living through the pain makes you stronger, Surviving an episode makes you stronger.

You are not alone.

Full Circle- From Bipolar and Mental Illness to Recovery

~ Eleanor Segall ~ Leave a comment

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It was summer 2014. I sat on a sadly impersonal green NHS couch in a quiet side room , my feet dangling over the edge, holding my wordsearch book and counting down the hours until I could leave the Day Unit. I had been feeling exhausted from my new medication, wobbly, teary and lacking in confidence all day and I had just started taking Lithium as a therapeutic medication. As such I had weekly blood tests as the Lithium level in my blood fluctuated between 0.4 and the optimum dose of 0.8, where you start to feel much better.  Lithium has to reach a certain amount in the blood to work on your brain (where it stops or tames mania and mood disorders).  They also had to check it didn’t become toxic in my blood and so weekly tests were needed which were exhausting at the time.

I had just received test results that day informing me that I was feeling a bit fragile because the Lithium was only at 0.4 in my blood. All I wanted to do was hide away from the rest of the therapy group in that little room, peacefully colouring in photos and doing wordsearches to keep me occupied. All I really wanted to do was go home, to where I felt safe and I didn’t have to face the reality of being ill.

This was at the beginning of my recovery journey in 2014. I had left hospital as an in patient after a manic episode and was a voluntary patient at an Acute Day Unit specialising in group therapies. Eventually, I grew to love it and the other people there- although I always wanted to leave faster than the Doctors thought I was ready! I stayed there 3 months in total and some people stay there 2 weeks. I very much needed the healing nature of the therapies even though I didn’t feel it at the time.

I realised these past few weeks how far I have come in my journey- from ill service user needing the support of my psychiatrist, nurses and OTs, to not needing that support currently (on 6 monthly psychiatrist meetings) and helping others in a similar setting in my new job.

I really have come full circle. There may be times when I am ill again in the future or not feeling at my best. I may need more support again. I may get panic attacks or mania or depression. However, for now I am feeling positive and hoping I stay well for a long time on my medication.

Recovery is possible. I am so thankful to all who have helped me on my journey and continue to provide guidance and love.

We are a Top 30 Social Anxiety Blog- Our first Award!

~ Eleanor Segall ~ Leave a comment

Today we at Be Ur Own Light woke up to the fantastic news that http://www.feedspot.com have listed us as one of the Top 30 Blogs for Social Anxiety information on the internet!

This is hugely exciting to be considered No 14 on the list, after Google and other important websites.

We are so grateful for this, our first award!

You can see us in the list here:  http://blog.feedspot.com/social_anxiety_blogs/

Thank you FeedSpot!

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Be Ur Own Light is One year old!

~ Eleanor Segall ~ 4 Comments

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I can’t believe my blog, Be Ur Own Light – started on March 1, 2016 is 1 year old today.

My journey with blogging has been so exciting, inspiring and wonderful. It has reached every part of the world and a huge number of countries in UK, Europe, USA, Canada and South America, China, India and other Asian countries, Africa, the Middle East and Australasia. It is such a blessing to be read world wide!

When I began this blog it was a diary to explain and help recover from my anxiety disorder. However, over time it has evolved into so much more!

As I grew in confidence and found other kindred spirits in my writing, I began to write for other organisations and also receive and upload guest posts on mental health topics.

This year I have written blogs for Rethink Mental Illness, Time to Change, Bipolar UK, Self Harm UK, Phobia Support Forum, Counsellors Cafe, Monologues Project and the Bossing It! Academy. I have written 4 blogs for Rethink and have loved collaborating with each charity and organisation. Special mention to Louie Rodrigues at Rethink.

I have also received amazing guest posts from these wonderful charities and writers who shared their hearts in order to battle stigma. Thank you:

– Breathe Life
-Ashley Owens at Generally Anxious
– ISMA stress management
– Stephanie at Making Time for Me
– Adar (PTSD)
– Deepdene Care
– Joshua (bipolar article)
– Michael J Russ
-Richie at Live Your Now
– Megan at the Manic Years
– Quite Great Music psychotherapy
-Lystia Putranto and Karina Ramos
-Eugene Farrell at AXA PPP
-Marcus at Psychsi
– Paradigm Centre San Francisco

I can’t wait to receive more guest submissions over time!

In the past year Be Ur Own Light has grown into a #lighttribe of thousands. On Twitter we are now 2,287 , Facebook 265 of my friends and family, Instagram is 2156,  and we have 127 dedicated WordPress followers. Thank you to each and every one of you for following, commenting, sharing and reading and for helping fight stigma through talking..

This blog has also raised money for Jami mental health charity and I am excited to be starting work for Jami soon.

Its been an incredible year of sharing, writing and breaking down barriers. Its OK to talk about mental illness and mental health. Its alright to feel lost or broken or ill. Seek support for recovery and you can get better. You are not alone.

With gratitude and love on our first birthday 

Reflections- Being Bipolar is not the end.

~ Eleanor Segall ~ Leave a comment

This blog post was prompted by a blog I had written a few months ago for Rethink Mental Illness about living with Bipolar 1 disorder. I received a message from a mother whose teenage daughter was suicidal and very unwell and was receiving treatment from CAMHS child and adolescent mental health service . This same mother has stayed in touch with me and updates me with her daughters progress.

I was the same age as her daughter is now when I became unwell. I was only 16, still a child but on the brink of adulthood, at a time where teenage life can be confusing, even without a mental illness!  Being diagnosed at 16 changed my life in many ways. I had to come to terms with having a chronic illness, with being ‘different’, with taking medication daily for the rest of my life, with not drinking alcohol, with feeling insecure about my own mind and self for a long time. Its a lot to take in, at that age in particular.

Being Bipolar is not the end. Yes it can cause havoc and play with your sense of self, cause insecurities about your mind, make you psychotic or manic/ hypomanic, make you depressed and suicidal, make you anxious and terrified and many other symptoms. But it is not the end. With help from support networks and professional medical teams, you can recover. You can get better. You can achieve.

What changed everything for me was taking Lithium. It has stabilised my moods and they don’t fluctuate as intensely, so I am not symptomatic. It was a gamble taking it, as is taking most psychiatric medication, its trial and error. But, as Bipolar runs in my family, I knew having the right chemical balance was key because my moods were all over the place.

I still have bad days and panic and anxiety from time to time. However they are no way near as bad as when I was on the wrong medication.

At 16, I had a very uncertain future. The Doctors told my family I wouldn’t get my A levels (despite having got good grades at GCSE) or go to university. I proved them wrong. I went to university and got my BA, I went travelling to India and Ghana where I volunteered and I went to drama school to do a Masters degree which I attained, despite the difficulties in my mood and the stress it did create. This wouldn’t have been possible without the support network and amazing family in my life. And of course, my need to do things despite the illness!

Achieving these things made my self esteem increase. There are times when I am not confident but having a severe mental illness is not the be all and end all. You can live with it, there are times which can be hell- but these make the sweet times better. I am back at work as well after being in hospital in 2014 and have tried to rebuild my life.

So today I am thinking of the teenage girl who is currently unwell at 16 and her family. And praying for her as we go into Shabbat (Jewish Sabbath).

Guest Post by Adar: Relationship Abuse and PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder)

~ Eleanor Segall ~ 2 Comments

Adar talks about the relationship abuse and PTSD they have suffered and how they are near recovery, with a combination of therapies including EMDR treatment. 

PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) and I have been in each other’s lives for past 10 years. Yet, up until 3 years ago, it was my secret…that I had no name for.

I am very close to my recovery (yes, recovery), which is why I feel I can write this blog now, to highlight the following:

A. I was 18 when my abusive relationship started, he was also 18, and yes…he was Jewish, and known within a circle of Jewish people (I am Jewish). Abuse can happen to anyone, at any age, of any race.

B. PTSD: Because I have it now, doesn’t mean I will have it forever. I am getting the help I need to treat it, and my PTSD isn’t triggered 99.9 percent of the time. Be kind to everyone you meet, as that person may be going through a secret struggle.

C. There are varying degrees of PTSD, yes some people are affected enough to not leave the house. I am fortunate enough this isn’t my case, but a lot of people can get out, everyone’s triggers are different, and everyone reacts differently when triggered.

D. My message to anyone with PTSD: please please please get help, or please put a close one in touch with help. The treatments work, you can get the treatments on the NHS (and maybe even through your work), and via Private facilities. I have put two links below to two very helpful websites:

http://www.nhs.uk/Conditions/Post-traumatic-stress-disorder/Pages/Treatment.aspx

http://www.ptsduk.org/

So, here is my story:

I was in an abusive relationship from the age of 18 for 3 years. If you google abuse, you will find five types; I experienced four- emotional, physical, religious, sexual…and I assume if my relationship had entered into marriage…financial.

When it comes to expressing my feelings about what happened to me, I became the master at making people think that everything was ok. But behind closed doors, I was in shock, mentally and physically… for years.

Friends that were around at time, had no idea what was happening to me, and neither did my own parents. In the aftermath, I buried everything, out of protection for the people around me, and because I was still trying process what had happened me. Physically, I was already showing signs of my mental state; being diagnosed with a lung condition because acid had mysteriously tipped into my lungs (looking back, potentially caused by the fight or flight, cortisol/stress, or something similar).

During all of this, I somehow managed to completed 2 degree’s (to a high standard), completed a summer on Camp as a leader in America, and Produced a year-long theatre production ….however, I was secretly drowning, and I couldn’t find a way to swim back to shore.

Fast forward, and 3 years ago, I started having panic attacks (4 years after I was well clear of the danger). At first these happened during the day, then started happening during my sleep. At times, this also came with an inability to speak, which there no physical explanation was for. It culminated in a trip to A & E, as my brain basically broke down. Before all of this, I had never had a panic attack, and I was not an anxious person.

A few months later, I was formally diagnosed with PTSD by my consultant, and after a wait, because of a bipolar 2 disorder diagnosis at the same time, I started EMDR treatment.

EMDR is AMAZING. FULL. STOP. It works by processing traumatic images that are stuck on one side of the brain, which couldn’t process themselves. When triggered, these images are like reliving the trauma (the image pops back up in your head). My therapist grades my disturbance on a scale of 1-10, and then uses my eye movements to process the images (by waving her fingers in front of my eyes). The idea is that the disturbance level decreases each time/ over time. It seems to be working for me; my therapist went over the list of problems I came to her with 2 months ago, and we checked a lot off the list! J

My therapist has also cleared up something important for me, which I want to pass on. I walked around trying to understand why I froze…why I just froze. My therapist said:

‘When things we cannot process at the time are happening to us, there is a survival instinct that makes us freeze…. After years of trying to figure it out, why someone so strong natured…just froze… now I understand. I hope that thought helps someone else out there, still trying to understand. We were trying to survive.’

With all the help I have been given, and the support of everyone close to me, I have managed to find a way to forgive my abuser, not for his sake, but for mine. I was carrying around a lot of hate and anger, and it was taking me down, from the inside. I am not suggesting this will work for everyone, but it has for me. I can move on now knowing that karma will one day kick in…and God is watching everything.

To conclude, yes, sometimes I feel like a ticking time bomb, and yes, I have to be vigilant of potential triggers right now, (I carry a bottle of cinnamon with me, in case I feel overwhelmed: using a sense to distract the brain), and I think I will always struggle to tell my friends what really happened (but they have been amazing), but I can see the light at the end of the tunnel.

I didn’t think I’d be able to say this 3 months ago, but bring on my knight in shining armour…ok ok…. maybe just a date, with a nice boy…in Nandos restaurant and a life full of my fulfilling dreams. Bring.it.on.

‘Back from the edge, back from the dead

Back before demons took control of my head

Back to the start, back to my heart

Back to the [girl] who would reach for the stars’

– James Arthur

Guest Post: Teens and Internet Addiction. 4 Positive Strategies to help recovery

~ Eleanor Segall ~ Leave a comment

This article has been written by Paradigm Treatment Centers in USA who specialise in helping vulnerable teenagers with mental health issues.  Paradigm San Francisco is a small, residential treatment programme. The adolescents who come to them for treatment  have issues they need help with including but not limited to Anxiety, Depression , ADD, Grief, Trauma,  Addiction, Substance Abuse, Eating Disorders and any number of Mental or Emotional health concerns. For more information please see: http://paradigmsanfrancisco.com

Parenting a teenager today means navigating through what feels like uncharted territory because of the influence of technology. In the past, parents had to worry about the dangers of drug and alcohol addiction, but at least those were fairly simple to keep out of their home. Now, the internet is found everywhere, from libraries to schools and your teen’s phone. With such easy access, it is easy to see why internet addiction has become a thing, and you can use these strategies to help your child learn how to manage their screen time.

Recognize the Signs

Internet addiction starts subtly with teens simply spending more time online. At first, you may just think that they have found a new group of friends or are passionately researching a recently acquired interest. Over time, however, the signs that it is interfering with their life will slowly start to appear. As your teen’s addiction to the internet begins to get serious, you may start to notice the following signs.



  •  Preoccupation with the internet such as anxiously awaiting their next online chat session or constantly checking their social media accounts

    • Need to be online for increasing amounts of time to maintain the same level of satisfaction

    • Withdrawal symptoms such as moodiness and depression when they are forced to cut back on their screen time

    • Accidentally staying online longer than expected such as staying up all night or missing an important event due to their internet activities

    • Drop in academic performance

    • Decreased personal hygiene, although an increased interest in appearance also occurs if a teen is involved with video chatting

    • Lies about how much time they are on the internet



  • Seek Professional Support


As with any addiction, early recognition of the symptoms means that treatment can begin before it gets worse. Typically, teens with an internet addiction struggle with seeing how their time online is affecting their lifestyle. This is because they may feel as though they have more friends than they ever did before, or they may try to justify their actions by believing that researching online is a learning opportunity. Your teen may also claim that they could be doing worse things such as drugs. Since they are usually sitting safely within their home, teens with internet addiction often take longer than other teens to admit that there is a problem. For this reason, professional therapists often begin treatment by helping teens see the negative effects of their addiction. For example, learning that being online all night is contributing to their bad grades helps them get on board with ending their addiction.

Treat Coexisting Mental Health Conditions

Teens become addicted to the internet for a variety of reasons. For some, it offers a way to meet other people despite having social anxiety. Other teens may use the internet as a route to escape the pain of grieving or the apathy of depression. Figuring out your teen’s triggers for using the internet will often reveal other mental health conditions. Treating these conditions is critical for helping your teen successfully beat their addiction.

Encourage Healthy Recreational Opportunities

Once your teen has completed their treatment for internet addiction, they will need your help finding ways to fill their time. In their program, they learned how to utilize their interests to find recreational activities such as acting in a play or hiking in the mountains that reduce their drive to go online. Encourage your child to continue to explore their new interests, and plan special activities to keep them on track. For example, enrolling them in an art class or planning a family camping trip will help your teen remember that offline experiences can be even better than anything they can find online.

The internet brought to the world wonderful ways to connect and learn. Yet, many teens are falling prey to the vices of internet addiction. When you suspect there is a problem, it is important to go with your instincts and seek help because this type of addiction quickly spirals out of control. By recognizing that internet addiction is indeed real and seeking support, your teen can learn to manage their impulses through healthy activities that support their development.

 

My time recovering in the Acute Day Treatment Unit

~ Eleanor Segall ~ 9 Comments

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(my art therapy)

As I have previously written, in 2014, I suffered from a very acute period of mental illness- a manic bipolar episode. I had to stay in hospital for 3 months before I began my recovery process at home. Part of that recovery process was being referred to an Acute Day Treatment Unit (ADTU).

ADTU is effectively a hospital day therapy ward- where groups are run on things like anxiety management, recovery techniques, anger management, assertiveness, relaxation/ meditation to music, arts and crafts and groups such as playing games eg table tennis or quizzes. It is there as a short stay intervention. Some like me had been in hospital already very unwell and some had been referred to ADTU to stop them having to go into hospital and to get them better through therapies.

People are referred there with all kinds of illnesses- depression, bipolar, schizophrenia, eating disorders, drug, alcohol and gambling addictions, psychosis, acute anxiety disorders eg PTSD/ OCD and more.

As well as the therapy groups with occupational therapists, the ADTU has psychiatric nurses, psychiatrist and therapists who support you during your stay. I was there largely because I had been through a very traumatic period of bipolar illness and also because I had decided to change medication to a new mood stabiliser- Lithium.

This meant that as well as the therapy sessions, I had to get used to a new medicine regime and weekly blood tests to determine my Lithium level. When you start Lithium, the level in your blood fluctuates- if it goes too high your body can have a toxic reaction. Luckily this never happened to me but there were times when I was quite low and depressed as the Lithium level was too low. So for about 8 weeks, I had regular blood tests.

In ADTU, you get given a key worker- an occupational therapist or nurse who works with you through your stay and acts a bit like a therapist- they are your support team for when you are there. At ADTU, I lived at home and went in every day 5 days a week. It was challenging as there were constantly new people coming in and out- some very poorly. However I made some incredible friends.

My first important friend I met on my first day! We both began at ADTU at the same time and started our induction. She also has bipolar disorder and we were quite similar- both loving all things girly, glittery and of course- unicorns! We got on well from the beginning, sat with each other in therapy groups, where we both regularly fell asleep in the relaxation to music sessions. She is an amazing and brave woman- who I am honoured to call a friend and we are still in touch today!

I made other friends as well, from sitting in the lounge and chatting in the mornings. One of these was my friend who loves sport and we would chat about what she was doing on her degree. She is also another amazing one who I am still in touch with!

ADTU is meant as a short stay intervention but due to my acute illness and change of medication I was there longer than almost anyone else. This became frustrating as I kept seeing people being discharged and I was still there. In the end after 12 weeks where I became used to all the staff and therapy groups and felt a bit like a veteran (some people are only there for 2 weeks) I emerged still fragile but stronger than I had been.

I owe so much to the wonderful staff- especially my occupational therapist key worker and the therapist running the arts and crafts and recovery groups. The staff were so supportive and kind.

In the UK, there are now only two ADTUs in the whole country as funding has been cut. However, I can honestly say that without the staff there and my new friends- I would have found life so much harder. I owe them so much.

Here are  some of my photos from the therapy folder I kept.

This blog is dedicated to my friends from ADTU who are making amazing strides- my 2 closest friends are now studying for Masters Degrees!

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Fighting mental health stigma: a personal journey

~ Eleanor Segall ~ 2 Comments

I have had bipolar disorder for almost 13 years, along side depression, anxiety, psychosis, hypomania and manic symptoms- which ebb and flow and fluctuate. Now that I am on the right medication these bipolar symptoms are kept under control. For most of these 13 years, I didn’t feel I could speak out about my conditions.

My family and close friends have always been very supportive but I felt ashamed. Ashamed of where my brain could go to when unleashed and its chemistry got confused. Ashamed of why I was either suicidally depressed or hyper and manic to a point of having to be sectioned to a psychiatric ward. Ashamed of my illness, confusing my identity with the illness, which made me worried about others judgement of me.

I was diagnosed at a very vulnerable age- 16 years old and as we know teenagers can be cruel. Although I experienced a lot of kindness and empathy, after a hypomanic episode abroad where I was disinhibited, I experienced a lot of cruel rumours from other teens I knew. Rumours that were stupid but that called me many names and compared me to evil things that I do not want to repeat. What was at the most basic of these insults? In my opinion, fear.

People fear what they cannot see and cannot understand.

People in their teen years do not want to be different- and I was the embodiment of difference.

If people can’t comprehend something and it is threatening- they judge or use name calling to feel better.

At 16, I represented a world of chaos at which many could not understand. Perhaps now they will.

I have spent a long time coming to terms with my illness and what it means, finding the right treatment and medication and the right support networks around me. I have incredibly supportive friends and family.

So what does the above treatment boil down to?

Stigma.

Stigma is according to an online dictionary- ‘ A mark of disgrace associated with a particular circumstance , quality or person’

For so long, I felt this ‘mark of disgrace’ and until I was 25, although close friends and family knew about my illness, I didn’t write blogs the way I do now. This was because I wanted to hide this illness that lodged in my brain chemistry.

I don’t want to hide any more and neither should I.

In 2014, I was hospitalised and sectioned for a severe manic episode encompassing psychosis, delusions and hyperness/ disinhibition.

It was shortly after going through the most traumatic experience of my life that I realised. Life is short. I need to help others. If I can break down the stigma and help others through my writing and other work then I will.

Mental Illness must no longer be a ‘mark of disgrace’ but must be seen as a partly physical illness in the brain, deserving and worthy of good treatment and empathy from others.

This post is dedicated to those friends who asked me to write on this and all my friends for their love and support

Life is Possible: Guest Post by Megan

~ Eleanor Segall ~ Leave a comment

Megan is a blogger at http://www.themanicyears.com and writes about mental illness and bipolar disorder. She shares with us her positive outlook on life after overcoming adversity. 

I recently got asked a question that I have been asked quite a few times in my life before now. This question was asked by a distant acquaintance of mine; a person who was – until the past couple of months – previously a stranger to me.

The question was this;

“If you had the chance to go back in time, to redo any of your past choices, what would you change and why?”

I have thought about this in passing, at various points as I have progressed throughout my adult years. Usually, I shrug the question off with a   – ‘Yes, there’s probably lots of things I would change’ – without consenting to deeper reflection and proceed to let the thought slowly slip from my mind, like a shallow pool of water that gently drains through the gaps in my fingertips when I attempt to cup it in my hands, leaving its damp trace as a reminder to be embraced again at a later time.

In this occurrence, something about the flow of the conversation between me and this person, made me pause and take the time to delve deeper in to my  introspections, generating the need to deliver an open, raw and honest answer.

I looked back, escaping the present moment by retrograding through a virtual journey within my memories, my life, my youth, the relationships that I’d built and the ones that were torn down. And in that first instance; all I saw was pain.

Up until 2013, I endured a heart-wrenching and debilitating conquest to seek the right kind of help for my issues, and was finally diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder. After the herculean efforts that resulted in this conclusion, I couldn’t quite decide if I had been awarded with a victory badge, or had my autonomy snatched away from me and handed down a stigmatised label of shame.

I had always been a painfully anxious and emotional child, but my first ‘real’ symptoms began when I was 12 years old; I started suffering from psychotic breaks and harmful thoughts. As far as my fragmented memory takes me, I understand this came about as a result of my mothers illness and attempted suicide . It was an attempt for which the blame was placed on me, when I’d packed up my things and left home one day through the impact of her own mental illness. What once were just about manageable emotional waves, became uncontainable storms.

My teenage years to follow were a struggle. Inevitably withdrawing from my peers, I lost myself in my pain and in the midst of it all and I made a lot of wrong choices. By the age of 18, I had turned to risk taking and harmful behaviours in an attempt to seek some sort of alleviation and my mood swings were wildly out of control. The relationship with my mother, even with my friends, had turned in to a wreck of nothing but dysfunctional scraps. Connecting with others was a difficult task, especially when I went back to my studies. A slow withdrawal from society will eventually disconnect you completely from other people. It puts you in a glass box placed high upon the shelves of the unwanted. In those classrooms, I disappeared. I was invisible, slowly degenerating in to the ashes of battle that I had lost a long time ago.

For the last ten years of my life, I feel that I have lost and wasted my youth. Did I choose to turn my back to my own self worth, to my recovery? Did I make a comfy home in the land of unforgiveness in the attempt to punish myself? Did I regret making these – I could argue – deliberate choices?

But when I look back from this day, I find myself understanding the result and my reasoning to that fateful question. And my answer to the question is; I would not change it one bit.

In this moment, I see the value of what I have in my life now, as a result of what lead me here. I now see that I can thank myself that I did not give up on my studies, turning my hurt in to a driver to fuel my career – a notion that I did not realise at the time. I now see, that those people I distanced myself from who walked away, are those people which I’d unconsciously sifted out from the small circle of treasures I am blessed have in my life and who I call ’true’ friends. I now see, that although forever present, these scars that trace through my whole body have toughened and healed. I now see the infinite possibilities and the beauty of life within the depths of my child’s eyes, and I see a reflection of my own growth in there.

If I had not endured my past at all, would I have been in the place that I am now? Would I even dream of risking all the wealth that I have in my life in this moment in time?

I now see, that I won the battle all along. I now see, that life is possible.

On paper, I may be just an ‘unfortunate’ label of a chronic and debilitating mental health disorder, who drew the bad hand in life. But behind the diagnosis, behind the long term medication, hides an unbelievable journey that led me to this present day. And I wouldn’t change any of it for the world.