A Tale of Two Days….

Life with an anxiety disorder often means that irony comes into play. One minute, you are doing fantastically, able to meet lifes challenges and also its mundanity. Then, the next day you are plunged back into anxiety. That is what has occurred over the past two days.

I had planned to write a really positive upbeat post yesterday about how my life had turned around. This is what I had written in my notebook to write (and then I will compare that to today!).:

Monday April 4th: ‘Look how far you’ve come’ 

‘This morning I was walking around the house, about to leave for work, when I looked around and saw I was by myself in the house and wasn’t having a major panic attack about going to work. This is progress.

Only a year and a half/ two years ago, I had come out of hospital after an inpatient stay and was too frightened too even sit still. I could only focus on colouring in a picture as the change in environment and hospital stay had left me traumatised. I experienced things like rapid heart beat, inability to focus or sit still. I was really ill but did get better.

Today I feel anxious. Maybe because its Monday and I am tired and getting to work is a process where I am constantly around or sitting next to people. I get slightly claustrophobic/ socially anxious at times.

I am now in the safe,welcoming confines of the coffee house near work, with its exposed brick, art on the walls, cosy chairs and lovely bolthole atmosphere.Work calls!’

After this, I walked to work and I was fine, I still didn’t really want to be out the house and doing, but I did it and was fine even though I did feel very exhausted by the end of the day. I find that I can’t do everything at the moment and have to pace myself- as getting to work by public transport, work itself and then trying to do domestic chores on top is really hard for me right now. Hopefully it will get easier.

So last night I got in my pyjamas early and chilled out- but I was surrounded by mountains of washing and feeling so tired and overwhelmed. I set my alarm for work, listened to LBC on the radio and went to sleep. Yet, when I woke up- I felt panicky and stressed. Stressed more than anything. I longed for a day of sleep. I didn’t feel like I could go in and had a mini panic attack- as mentioned I often get morning anxiety.  I feel guilty as I am needed at work but I also needed a day to just be.

As I said, a tale of two days!

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