Category: Loneliness

Guest post: Loneliness at Valentines (by Eugene Farrell, AXA PPP)

~ Eleanor Segall ~ 4 Comments

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Valentine’s Day. For some, it’s a day full of romance and spending time with loved ones, yet for others, this focus can make them feel more isolated and alone.

According to the Office for National Statistics, Britain is the loneliness capital of Europe, with many Brits unlikely to know their neighbours or feel they have friendships that they believe they can rely on in a crisis.

Research by the charity, Relate, found that 9% of Brits of all ages don’t have a single close friend, while separately, a study by AXA PPP healthcare that British adults aged 18 to 24 are four times as likely to feel consistently lonely than those over 70.

 “The build-up to Valentine’s Day and the day itself can be quite intense, which is difficult for those who are already feeling isolated or lonely,” explains Eugene Farrell, Head of Trauma Support Services at AXA PPP healthcare.

“Although loneliness is often associated with the elderly, it’s actually an issue which can affect the physical and mental wellbeing of people of all ages.”

“In fact, studies have found that loneliness can increase the risk of high blood pressure, and have an impact on cognitive decline, dementia and depression. While addressing your experience of loneliness may take time, taking steps to build new and improve existing connections will help to improve your overall wellbeing.”

Here, Eugene gives his top tips on how to overcome feelings of loneliness:

1.     Making new connections can be an obvious way to combat loneliness and yield positive results, for example joining a group or class you are interested in will increase your chances of meeting like-minded people to connect with. Increasingly too we are turning to the internet for companionship, with community groups existing in almost every niche interest group you could imagine.

2.     Be more open. If you feel that you have plenty of connections but don’t feel close to any of them, the underlying issue may be that you need to open up to them more to deepen your connection, as an example letting the friend or acquaintance in on a vulnerability felt or your honest opinion about an issue.

3.     Stop comparing yourself to others. The desire to ‘keep up with the Joneses’ is not a new one, however the rise of social media has only exacerbated the problem by giving individuals the chance to constantly compare themselves to others. If you’re already feeling lonely, the idea that everyone else’s life is more idyllic than yours can make you feel even more isolated and alone. This can lead us to ‘compare and despair’ – which further exacerbates our negative experiences. Remind yourself that people only share what they want others to see about their lives. Don’t form unrealistic expectations about life and friendship based on what you see online.

4.     Keep all lines of communication open. Having a chat with a friend or relative over the phone can be the next best thing to being with them. Or you can stay connected with loved ones online. Video chat, exchange photos and keep up to date with the latest news from friends and family with Facebook, Instagram, Snapchat or simply keep in contact by email.

5.     Volunteering is also a great way to meet new people and feel good about helping others. It will not only allow you to give something back to your community but will also help you to feel more connected, involved and needed. There are lots of volunteering roles that need your skills and experience. It can also have a positive effect upon your mental health through helping others.

6.     Pride comes before a fall. Don’t be afraid to reach out to people and ask for help, companionship or just a chat. They may be feeling lonely too!

7.     Take it slow. If you’ve felt lonely for a while, or experience anxiety around new social situations, throwing yourself in at the deep end could only act to exacerbate the problem. Instead, dip your toes into the water first by going to a local café or sports event where you are surrounded by people, and just enjoy sharing their company. Or try a class where you can dive into the activity itself to distract you from the pressure of introducing yourself to people straight away. With loneliness, slow and steady often wins the race.

If you think you might be struggling with symptoms of loneliness, find more tips and advice at AXA PPP healthcare’s Mental Health Centre.

Guest Post by Adar: Relationship Abuse and PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder)

~ Eleanor Segall ~ 2 Comments

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Adar talks about the relationship abuse and PTSD they have suffered and how they are near recovery, with a combination of therapies including EMDR treatment. 

PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) and I have been in each other’s lives for past 10 years. Yet, up until 3 years ago, it was my secret…that I had no name for.

I am very close to my recovery (yes, recovery), which is why I feel I can write this blog now, to highlight the following:

A. I was 18 when my abusive relationship started, he was also 18, and yes…he was Jewish, and known within a circle of Jewish people (I am Jewish). Abuse can happen to anyone, at any age, of any race.

B. PTSD: Because I have it now, doesn’t mean I will have it forever. I am getting the help I need to treat it, and my PTSD isn’t triggered 99.9 percent of the time. Be kind to everyone you meet, as that person may be going through a secret struggle.

C. There are varying degrees of PTSD, yes some people are affected enough to not leave the house. I am fortunate enough this isn’t my case, but a lot of people can get out, everyone’s triggers are different, and everyone reacts differently when triggered.

D. My message to anyone with PTSD: please please please get help, or please put a close one in touch with help. The treatments work, you can get the treatments on the NHS (and maybe even through your work), and via Private facilities. I have put two links below to two very helpful websites:

http://www.nhs.uk/Conditions/Post-traumatic-stress-disorder/Pages/Treatment.aspx

http://www.ptsduk.org/

So, here is my story:

I was in an abusive relationship from the age of 18 for 3 years. If you google abuse, you will find five types; I experienced four- emotional, physical, religious, sexual…and I assume if my relationship had entered into marriage…financial.

When it comes to expressing my feelings about what happened to me, I became the master at making people think that everything was ok. But behind closed doors, I was in shock, mentally and physically… for years.

Friends that were around at time, had no idea what was happening to me, and neither did my own parents. In the aftermath, I buried everything, out of protection for the people around me, and because I was still trying process what had happened me. Physically, I was already showing signs of my mental state; being diagnosed with a lung condition because acid had mysteriously tipped into my lungs (looking back, potentially caused by the fight or flight, cortisol/stress, or something similar).

During all of this, I somehow managed to completed 2 degree’s (to a high standard), completed a summer on Camp as a leader in America, and Produced a year-long theatre production ….however, I was secretly drowning, and I couldn’t find a way to swim back to shore.

Fast forward, and 3 years ago, I started having panic attacks (4 years after I was well clear of the danger). At first these happened during the day, then started happening during my sleep. At times, this also came with an inability to speak, which there no physical explanation was for. It culminated in a trip to A & E, as my brain basically broke down. Before all of this, I had never had a panic attack, and I was not an anxious person.

A few months later, I was formally diagnosed with PTSD by my consultant, and after a wait, because of a bipolar 2 disorder diagnosis at the same time, I started EMDR treatment.

EMDR is AMAZING. FULL. STOP. It works by processing traumatic images that are stuck on one side of the brain, which couldn’t process themselves. When triggered, these images are like reliving the trauma (the image pops back up in your head). My therapist grades my disturbance on a scale of 1-10, and then uses my eye movements to process the images (by waving her fingers in front of my eyes). The idea is that the disturbance level decreases each time/ over time. It seems to be working for me; my therapist went over the list of problems I came to her with 2 months ago, and we checked a lot off the list! J

My therapist has also cleared up something important for me, which I want to pass on. I walked around trying to understand why I froze…why I just froze. My therapist said:

‘When things we cannot process at the time are happening to us, there is a survival instinct that makes us freeze…. After years of trying to figure it out, why someone so strong natured…just froze… now I understand. I hope that thought helps someone else out there, still trying to understand. We were trying to survive.’

With all the help I have been given, and the support of everyone close to me, I have managed to find a way to forgive my abuser, not for his sake, but for mine. I was carrying around a lot of hate and anger, and it was taking me down, from the inside. I am not suggesting this will work for everyone, but it has for me. I can move on now knowing that karma will one day kick in…and God is watching everything.

To conclude, yes, sometimes I feel like a ticking time bomb, and yes, I have to be vigilant of potential triggers right now, (I carry a bottle of cinnamon with me, in case I feel overwhelmed: using a sense to distract the brain), and I think I will always struggle to tell my friends what really happened (but they have been amazing), but I can see the light at the end of the tunnel.

I didn’t think I’d be able to say this 3 months ago, but bring on my knight in shining armour…ok ok…. maybe just a date, with a nice boy…in Nandos restaurant and a life full of my fulfilling dreams. Bring.it.on.

‘Back from the edge, back from the dead

Back before demons took control of my head

Back to the start, back to my heart

Back to the [girl] who would reach for the stars’

– James Arthur

My article for Self Harm UK- ‘I don’t want to hide anymore (about stigma)’

~ Eleanor Segall ~ Leave a comment

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I am delighted to announce a blog collaboration with the amazing charity Self Harm UK (a part of Youthscape).

I have written a blog for them on my experience of mental health stigma as an ill teenager and what made me speak out further. In the past, I have had self harming thoughts and I myself like reaching out to teens and young people who are suffering out there- so they know they are not alone. I am so pleased to collaborate with Self Harm UK on this and my article can be found here:

Click here to read my article:

https://www.selfharm.co.uk/articles/i-dont-want-to-hide-anymore

Who are Self Harm UK?

From their website selfharm.co.uk:

‘ SelfharmUK (formally selfharm.co.uk) started out of the work of Youthscape, a local charity based in Luton, Bedfordshire, UK. Since it’s beginnings in 1993, the charity has developed a strong and professional reputation for delivering caring, child-centred work, which focuses on the emotional and social needs of all young people. Youthscape works alongside all young people, regardless of race, background, or faith.

By 2004, Youthscapes’s work increasingly involved young people engaging in self-harm. It wasn’t long before a plan began to form to try and reach them them, starting with the provision of informal support groups in local schools. With the help of funding from BBC Children in Need and other grant-making Trusts, the project was able to appoint a specialist staff team in 2005 and develop a more coherent provision that included art projects and therapeutic group programmes. Training and advice for parents and professionals soon followed, in conjunction with the Local Authority and local schools.

In 2008, Youthscape responded to the growing number of enquiries for support and advice coming from outside Luton by beginning to plan for a national project that could support young people from all over the UK. Further planning and fund raising led to the establishment of SelfharmUK later that year and the appointment of a Project Manager

The development of a website was a key part of our initial vision… to have a safe online space available to inform and support young people who self-harm, as well as cater for the needs of their siblings, parents and friends. We also wanted to provide information and training for professionals like youth workers, teachers and social workers.

We wanted to create a safe, pro-recovery site for people to use to communicate with others and express their experiences through the use of blogs, stories, poetry and art. Our next goal was to develop an online group programme – Alumina – which has enabled young people from all over the UK to engage with our staff in real time in order to explore the deeper issues surrounding self-harm. For some it had been the catalyst needed to reduce or stop their harming behaviour, while for others it has proven empowering, enabling them to seek further support in their local area.

We already have a multimedia training programme available to professionals in the UK. Our ongoing vision is to see this rolled out more comprehensively; to serve every part of the UK in supporting and nurturing young people who may be experiencing difficulties with self-harm.

There remains much to be done but we remain committed to improving the lives of anyone impacted by self-harm. Providing effective support for parents and siblings will be a major goal in the near future.

For now, the project remains part of Youthscape as a separate element of this registered charity.’

 

Guest Post: Inner Self Talk The 7 Words that hold you back

~ Eleanor Segall ~ Leave a comment

Michael J. Russ- Author and Adversity Coach
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Your inner conversation, also known as self-talk, exerts more influence over your attitude, achievement, time, success, happiness, relationships, and overall prosperity than you can imagine. Self-talk is best defined as the thoughts and words you use to describe you and what you are doing.

Regardless of whether your inner dialogue remains in your head or is expressed in conversation, there are seven words that can hold you back. These words are: hard, difficult, tough, impossible, can’t, try and never, and usually make an appearance when referencing current and future actions, especially those related to adversity.

Why should you stop using these seven words? Aside from focusing on the negative, they generate unnecessary additional mental adversity and sow seeds of doubt that prevent you from fully committing.

Do you occasionally find yourself saying, this is going to be hard, it’s tough for me, or I will never finish this? Is there some rule that says something will be hard, tough or difficult, or that you will never get something done?

Have you ever heard a coach tell their team a game will be tough, difficult or impossible to win? Of course, not. A coach would never plant such a thought virus into the heads of their players.

When you approach tasks, goals, and intentions, use self-talk that affirms and supports what you want to happen, instead of what you do not. Thinking and saying, I can do this, is a great example of affirmative self-talk that opens pathways to producing your best effort. The phrase is simple, yet very empowering!

Right about now, you are probably wondering what I suggest you think and say in place of the seven words I recommend you drop from your self-talk vocabulary. In my view, simply referring to a response or future action as a challenge is more appropriate because it does not generate additional mental adversity. Examples of its use would be, cleaning this garage is going to be a real challenge or my health is my greatest challenge. These statements position you for what you must accomplish on the road ahead—igniting strength, will, creativity, and inspiration, as opposed to mountains of negative feelings and emotions that hold you back.

Framing actions as challenges might seem trivial, ridiculous, or even uncomfortable at first. What you will soon experience, however, is a noticeable difference in the way you
think and feel. Viewing actions as challenges sets the stage for mental clarity, optimism, possibility thinking, inspired actions, and miraculous aha moments.

Establishing clear goals and intentions and then crafting an inner conversation that supports them is crucial to making self-talk your most important resource and greatest ally for achievement and designing the life you envision. If you find it too great a challenge to keep the seven words I mentioned unsaid, remember this sage advice, if you can’t say something positive, don’t say anything at all.

About the author:
Michael J. Russ is an international bestselling author, inspiring speaker/trainer, and the founder of Zero AdversityTM Coaching & Training. This article was adapted from his international bestselling book, Zero Adversity: 3 Practical Steps to Freedom, Fulfillment, and Creating an Authentic Life, where he outlines a practical 3-step method everyone can use to experience balance, freedom, and prosperity in their life. Michael can be reached via email at inquiry@michaeljruss.com. http://www.michaeljruss.com

Breathe Life Initiative- Tackling Loneliness through Kindness

~ Eleanor Segall ~ 7 Comments

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Here at Be Ur Own Light, we support many charitable initiatives. We were contacted by ‘Breathe Life’, an amazing UK charity campaign to combat loneliness in the elderly and wanted to tell you about them so you can get involved wherever you are in the world!.

The campaign says,

‘Every day huge numbers of older people are dying from loneliness. Research has proven that the effects are as bad as smoking 15 cigarettes a day. In the UK alone, one fifth of older people feel lonely. …. We believe small acts of kindness can help loneliness‘ (Breathe Life)

This is sadly not just an issue in the elderly as 53% of those aged 18-34 have felt depressed due to loneliness. As more and more people live on their own, this affects millions of people in UK society alone.

Its time to reconnect with our elders and Breathe Life seeks to do this. Never before have we lived such separated lives from our loved ones, only connected by technology.

To combat loneliness in our society, Breathe Life partnered with Life Links Cheshire have selected 5 Elders- men and women from Cheshire in the North of England with a wealth of widsom, joy and resilience to share to people of all ages. You can email them for 30 days, important questions you want answered and they can share their knowledge with you (and in turn make connections to combat isolation and loneliness).  As the campaign states,

‘Together, we hope to give older people regular mental stimulation and a visceral sense of self worth by actively creating connections for them in which they feel they are offering something of value to society. We might restore a sense of pride that breaks the deadening effects of loneliness.’

For more information about the Elders, the Breathe life Campaign and how you can get involved:

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