Today has felt like a total rollercoaster and sequence of events.  I had a job interview and so was up at 6am to get up, prepare and leave the house to go to Starbucks. I handwrote some of the following before my interview, I decided to include it to give you an insight into the mind of someone with anticipatory anxiety.

7.41am Starbucks

This morning I woke up and didn’t panic but was able to get out the house early thanks to feeling the fear and doing it anyway as well as the support of my family and friends. I was determined not to give up this opportunity to go for the job I wanted, whether I got it or not.

I am now sitting in Starbucks preparing, people watching and watching the world go by. I have my drink, my pen and a warm place to watch the world.

There has been a lot of change and upheaval in my life of late. My confidence has been knocked. Either way, now is the time to nurture myself, try and build a career again  and most importantly build that confidence back! I have been through a lot in the past few years….so much that in times of stress my anxiety gets worse.

So what has helped me manage my panic? Often my therapist has said to me if I want something to happen,more than the panic, if something is really truly important to me then I will find a way to do it. So far this morning my body has not yet had the anxiety instinctive fight or flight response. Yet I have butterflies and want it to go well

10.20am Coffee house near prospective employer

I am now in my second coffee house of the day….but not drinking coffee as the caffeine makes my nerves worse. It is a quirky, artsy independent shop..a good bolt hole. So how am I feeling?

My interview is soon at a school. I am alright but have slightly heightened anxiety and am feeling hot and sweaty. I have prepared as much as I can and now I shall feel the fear but do it despite the fear. And breathe….

Result! I went with the nerves and the interviewers put me at great ease. I felt relaxed there. I answered all their questions and they told me that they would call me later that day.

And I can very happily report that they called and it was positive news! So happy and will write more once all is finalised.

I am now very very tired though! Hi to any new readers…do give me your thoughts.

I have decided to keep posting in the hope that one day this will become a tool to help other people through what I go through on a regular basis. It is also so therapeutic to write and who knows maybe this will help someone somewhere one day!

So- at the end of last week I was unable to attend my job interview. I had felt panicked and stressed and sweaty, with constant anxious thoughts and was tired from lack of sleep. However, I was able to contact them and let them know I would reschedule which I have for tomorrow morning. This is what I shall name ‘the anxiety low‘. Aka- I gave in to it and wasn’t able to push through it.

Of course, this then dented my confidence and meant I cancelled an arrangement with a friend for lunch the following day. Yet, the most surprising part of my  weekend was that I felt able to go out to a comedy gig with my siblings and I didn’t panic or feel overly anxious. Then the following day, despite having anticipatory anxiety beforehand, I was able with the help of friends to go to a close friends baby shower party. Which was so much fun and I didn’t have any form of panic attack!  (The anxiety win/high).

It was so lovely just to be around friends and smiling and enjoying myself, and celebrating something so wonderful. So going out both days without panicking has given me a confidence boost which I hope and pray will help me get through my interview and eventually go on that date I cancelled. But one thing at a time.

Having an ‘anxiety win’ is sometimes the best thing of all 🙂 – especially when you have had a horrible time. My real test will be tomorrow. Fingers crossed it will go alright!

I have decided to make the focus of my blog the struggle with anxiety and how it impacts on my life. For me, it can be the most frustrating experience trying to cope with it and what it brings to my life. Writing is I suppose a form of therapy but I also wanted to share my experiences in the hope it will help someone else struggling.  (Hi if thats you!)

Put simply, when people go through traumatic events and are prone to anxiety, it comes back with a vengeance. Today I was meant to have a job interview and was tossing and turning in bed for hours last night. I had prepared and researched the day before, I laid my clothes out the night before, I had a warm bath to relax, I had read policies relating to the school post I was applying for. And I woke up this morning in a panic, and postponed going until next week.

Morning anxiety can be a real problem for me. It is something that I was taught I should just get up, washed and dressed and have breakfast and deal with the anxious thoughts through positive mantras or distraction techniques e.g. colouring, looking on the internet, TV- whatever helps. You have to push through it yet some days I really don’t feel like I can. I know other sufferers feel the same.

How does giving into anxiety make you feel?

– First, you have the relief that the feared event is not going to impact on you that day. You are ‘safe’ in your mind, your physical symptoms begin to ease and you can rest.

– Then you have the guilt- I should have gone to that interview/ party/ date/ seen my friend, ‘what am I doing?’ ‘why is this happening?’.

– If you are like me, you berate yourself for what happened – but you must be kind to yourself- its not your fault if things get too overwhelming. It is about striking the right balance and doing what is achievable, as my sister always reminds me.

In truth I am feeling fragile after a bad work experience and so things are harder for me at the minute but as I have had anxiety for years, you just have to get through. Which I will try to do this weekend! Fingers crossed 🙂

 

Dear Reader and Friend,

If I have given you the link to my little blog here :), it is because I am working on this as a therapeutic project- one where I can write my heart without feeling ashamed and one where I can share what it is like to live with mental ill health at times. This is something that has been a part of my life since I was 15 years old and I will be 28 this year. It doesn’t feel like 13 years have passed since I first got sick, but its true that time definitely passes quickly.

I decided to start writing this after I had to leave my job, which is a difficult event for anyone. For me though, it has proved to cause a dip in my confidence levels, which has provoked my anxiety disorder once more. Although I have never been formally diagnosed with social anxiety disorder, it has been recognised by many Drs and therapists I have seen, so for all terms and purposes, it is present in me and I have sought treatment for it

So what is social anxiety disorder?

Many of you would be slightly surprised to hear I have this as I can be bubbly and friendly, have some loving friends, am at times able to work (albeit part time) or study or go on holiday and go to parties or on dates, which most people take for granted. However, when I am feeling at my worst, when I am tearful and the adrenaline is pumping through my veins, wanting to hide from the world becomes the only way out.

I digress- social anxiety disorder is the general fear of having to interact with people, for fear of negative judgement or outcome. It can make a trip to the shops feel like the most insurmountable mountain, or going on a date feel like the most scary, terrible thing in your life, for fear of negative outcome- eg what if he thinks this/ that about me? what if I feel on show and have to get dressed up when I really want to hide? . As mentioned, when I am feeling well, the anxiety can be kept more at bay.

Social Anxiety is characterised by limiting, negative beliefs about the world or one self and is of course, an irrational disorder. Our bodies are programmed to ‘fight or flight’ and the adrenaline is there for really fearful situations eg when we were cave men and we had to flee from a predator. Our brains and our bodies have not caught up to modern times and still thinks we live in caves (except now the ‘predator’ is a fearful situation in our heads). The adrenaline and cortisol (a hormone) can cause a build up of stress in the body and our emotional reactions eg hyperventilation, painful chest, sweating, hot flushes, shaky etc.

However, what I have learnt about SA is that if you wait 40 or so minutes for this to pass and you keep telling yourself in mantras- ‘this will not harm me, this will go away‘, it does go away. You are meant to quite literally ‘ride the anxiety wave‘ and ‘see it out’ so it goes and your body returns to normal. This is obviously easier said than done and something that when I am fragile, I find hard. As when you feel like this, the natural instinct is to cancel the feared event so that your body and mind returns to normal. Many of you will have been a victim of my cancelling. This is why.

So where am I now? Well the reason I am talking about SA in addition to my bipolar (they are linked, when in low mood, the SA becomes stronger), is because that is what is affecting me right now…..

Sometimes I fear going out to typically anxiety provoking places. This week I cancelled going on a (half blind) date three times (!) because I was so scared to meet a new person and have to ‘show up, dress up, however I felt’. This is not so easy for us SA sufferers. However, I have been achieving in the past few months and been working, going on dates and out with friends. Its just at the moment when my confidence and self esteem are lowered that its really tough going. I call myself and other sufferers ‘anxiety warriors’ because when you have this, its like going into battle with yourself.

I have a job interview this week and my brain has already been processing the potentially scary and anxiety provoking scenario. I feel like this anxiety disorder is something I and many others, will just have to live with.

I have tried Cognitive Behavioural Therapy three times (where you unpack your thoughts and limiting beliefs in thought records with a therapist and at home). I have had talking therapy with a psychotherapist/psychologist and group therapy about anxiety levels with an occupational therapist. I have tried Charles Lindens brilliant ‘Linden Method’ anxiety programme- where he encourages you not to give in to the anxiety through going out and ‘exposure therapy’ and has been anxiety free for years as a former sufferer (his condition was far worse than mine). When I have been particularly bad, I have taken anxiety medication including benzodiazepines, which make me drowsy but do help with very acute anxiety. I dont take any SA meds currently, although my bipolar meds help with this. I have tried relaxation CDS, deep breathing etc but I feel that a lot of this doesnt help with SA, rather general anxiety.

I wish there was a treatment developed other than exposure therapy that could help- but it seems if I want to help myself, I have to literally walk out the front door, by myself into an anxiety provoking situation.

So thats where I am at almost 28.

I hope this sheds some light on this disorder that not many people understand. For help with it, check out Raj and his date in the Big Bang Theory. They communicate by text in public. This thank god has never been me but it shows the extent that the condition permeates our psyche. I cant currently remember the characters name, but in scenes, she also cancels dates and won’t go to parties out of extreme fear and embarrassment.

I am trying to get better again and so thankful for all my wonderful supportive friends (and of course medical team around me). Thank you for reading my first blog.

PS- I will be fundraising for Jami in the future so if you would like the link to my justgiving page, let me know!