As I go to job interviews and I try to reach my goal, this quote speaks to my heart. It says- keep going and be fearless.

Even when all seems in limbo it reminds me to keep working towards my dreams in whatever way possible. Even if I can’t control the outcome, I must keep my souls dreams alive and keep working towards them. Fingers crossed…..

Sometimes in life, you feel anxious or down or tired or stressed or overwhelmed. Its times like this you must be kind to yourself and keep going through the turmoil of these feelings.

Today, I am feeling much brighter. I started some new therapy on Monday which was enlightening but left me very exhausted and a little overwhelmed as I opened up fully.

I am also trying to get back into work and to blog more. There may be an exciting project in the pipe line and I will let you know if the blog gets published.

Must always tell myself (and others) to keep going and to try to shine my light.

 

‘The Only Thing Constant in the World is Change……’- India Arie

In the same journal from 2011, I found a poem I had written about living life with the instability of depression and constant emotion. It is so interesting for me to look back on and I wanted to share this with you, to raise awareness of what it is like to go through despair, instability and the low feelings of depression or any hardship.

Thank God, I am now much better. This poem is dedicated to a friend of mine. I will also create a poetry page at the top to collate all my poems together. I hope this poem can help others if they are going through similar emotions or if they just want to understand a friend or loved one.

My Storm Clouds Shall Fade to Wisps-  (written 1st March 2011)
Woken up
Like the sky is going to crash
Like the sea is there to swallow me
Surges of emotions like the waves
Rocking my once calm and serene boat
This morning I am stormy
Maybe this evening I will be still
As a bird asleep in its mothers nest
Protected and warm
I will be tranquil
Teardrops shall not fall
I will be at peace
My storm clouds shall fade to wisps.              

(copyright: diaryofanearlythirtyyearold.wordpress.com)

The other day I was in my room and I found one of my journal notebooks from 2011. I have been journalling on and off since I was about 14 and have documented a lot of my life.

Why am I about to share this diary entry from 2011?

In 2011, I was suffering from bad depression and anxiety. I had to quit my job in teaching in April due to stress and depression and was waiting to begin  my masters degree at the Royal Central School of Speech and Drama in the September.  I eventually went on to complete my Masters, but ended up suicidally depressed (no exaggeration) afterwards- however I loved my degree even with my health challenges.

Anyway, back in 2011, I was on a mood stabiliser to even out my moods- Carbamazepine, that wasn’t holding my depressive moods at all. In truth I had been clinically depressed on and off since 2008 and my Doctors were begging me to try Lithium to improve my moods but I refused, being frightened as it is a far stronger drug and I was concerned about its side effects.
After my hospitalisation in 2014, I decided to try Lithium as it had worked for my Dad and my bipolar is far more under control. I wanted to share this message that I wrote about my bipolar at the time. It shows what having this illness is like and I hope will raise awareness or give others comfort that they are not alone.

2011 Entry

‘ If I was to describe how having bipolar disorder makes you feel- Its like having two yous. I mainly suffer from depression and so one me hides from the world, feels frightened and anxious, down, can’t do anything- go to work , see friends, walk down a road. And the other half of me is my bubbly happy self- seeing friends and loving theatre, music, nature, travelling and life.

I am, believe it or not, a people person. But then irrationality takes over me and I don’t know who I am. I become a scared child, who hides in her bed for comfort. I become someone that I don’t know. And I don’t want this anymore.

I don’t want to be so frightened. I want to live.

Part of this though is not bipolar disorder- its separate anxiety that bubbles up when I am under stress in my life. I feel a sickening feeling of fear in my stomach- gurgling away, palms sweat and mind replays the ‘fearful’ scene over and over. I isolate myself because I become scared of peoples judgement of me. Its irrational but the physical symptoms of fear feel very bad.

I know I can get better and rid myself of the symptoms. I know I can move forward and follow methods that will get rid of it. I just have to use all the advice I know and all the common sense I can to push forward. To keep challenging myself, because I can do it and I am going to get better.

I will be without anxiety for good.’

On Friday, 1st July, I turned 28. It was such a special birthday for me as two years ago I was too ill to celebrate and last year I was in Rome on holiday. It was the first year since 2014, that I could see my friends and loved ones on the day itself and I had a truly wonderful day. I was thoroughly spoilt by friends and family,  went out for a milkshake with my Dad, had two birthday cakes made for me and had two renditions of happy birthday ( cakes were lemon drizzle and chocolate), opened my cards and presents and had a lovely friday night dinner with my mum, step dad, sister, brother in law and his parents.

It was such a blessing- when you have known the depths of illness and despair, life is to be grabbed with both hands. I am so thankful for this birthday celebration.The night before my birthday I went to see Guys and Dolls with Katie and it was just wonderful! Such a funny, brilliant production with great casting and music.

As always, after a high I usually have about a day of a low… and this weekend I have just felt like I need to rest and rejuvenate and withdraw. I have been relaxing.

Please G-d the year ahead should be happy and healthy and more stable in terms of my health and work consistency.

Reflecting on a truly memorable birthday 🙂

 

 

 

Today, I had my job interview at a primary school. I had to read a book of my choice to a group of 5 children and ask them comprehension questions. I chose ‘Mog the Forgetful Cat’ by Judith Kerr and brought with a cat puppet that looked like Mog, to help bring the book to life. Then, I had a panel interview with the Year 1 teacher, SENCO and another staff member.

I hope it went well. The most important thing is that I went to the interview despite feeling nervy, I didn’t wake up and have a panic attack. I kept telling myself how important it was to go and I went and did it.

What helped me?

– Deep breathing (I did this in the cab on the way there).
– Preparing everything- book, resources, reading school website
– Making sure I got washed and dressed quickly so I didn’t have time to panic hugely.

Today is also the last day of me being 27, as tomorrow I turn 28 🙂 my birthday! Tonight I am going to see the actress Rebel Wilson play Miss Adelaide in Guys and Dolls, with one of my best friends Katie. Its an old musical that I have never seen, although I know a lot of the songs as they are very famous. I am going with a friend, as a birthday present from my dad, and I am very excited.

This year has had many ups and downs, but I am so proud of all I have achieved. I have worked in two schools and thought about building my career as  a teacher, I went on holiday to Italy and am hopefully going to Prague in August, I have fundraised, met new people, been on dates and looked towards the future. This year I have celebrated two of my cousins weddings (one in Cambridge), visited the Cotswolds and Leicestershire,  been to Harry Potter world, Ronnie Scotts, seen Matilda, In the Heights, Thriller and Motown musicals, saw some brilliant films at the cinema, read some books that challenged me and most importantly have tried to live and build my life again.

Life is not always easy. There are times when I feel low but today I am excited for my birthday and going to the theatre tonight. Even if I don’t get  this job, I am proud of myself for trying.

 

Recovery is an interesting word because it encompasses so much. Either, you can be completely healed from something or you have to manage it, in order to move forward and achieve the goals you have.

I would say that in terms of my bipolar- it is well managed on medication but in terms of my panic disorder- that is still a work in progress. I think that I will try some new kind of therapy to help with it as I get really bad morning anxiety at times. I know some of the triggers.

This week, I was offered a job interview at a school which is positive. I just hope that by me being determined and resilient, I can override any worries and anxiety. After all, panic is just nervous energy and I have faced this before with a positive outcome.

I want to be determined and keep fighting. It is not always easy. The road is not always smooth- and sometimes you hit pot holes. But if you get back up after a fall- you are one step closer to success.

Don’t get me wrong there are days when I am miserable and want to hide. But then there are days when I am positive and determined. You learn resilience. If I give up, no one else can fix it for me. So I have learnt to keep going even when there are setbacks. When, I was depressed in the past (and we are talking so low I would stay in bed all day- this was maybe 3/4 years ago) it was so hard to function but now my medication holds me, I am not depressed and I can do things. I just have to learn coping tools for my anxiety.

Recovery is very much a self-lead thing whilst working with a supportive medical team (and of course family and friends). You can get better. You may have setbacks. But these will make you stronger. I still have days where I don’t feel I can fight any more. Yet you have to keep going.

One tool that helped me so much is prayer. Sometimes saying the shema or tehillim (book of psalms) makes me feel closer to G-d. If you aren’t religious, pray to the universe- I really do believes it helps and it brings me so much comfort.

Just remember even when you are at your lowest- This too shall pass. There were days in my past, when I felt low and suicidal (during a depressive episode). There were days when I found it challenging to wash or to talk to people and I slept to get through the day. Thankfully, now, these days are behind me…. but you learn to love and appreciate life when you can live it.

So to anyone reading this going through any similar thing – keep fighting. Thank you for sharing your stories with me.

 

This week, more than any, has shown me the immense kindness of the beautiful friends in my life. I am so lucky to have friends that stand by me and show me so much love.

Earlier in the week I was feeling anxious and my friend not only dropped round anyway to check I was ok and get me to come out, but also gave me lifts there and back and made me feel safe and secure.

Then, I saw another friend on Shabbat (Saturday)- I invited a friend to come over. This friend not only brought me themselves but chocolate buttons, 3 girlie mags and 2 girlie books to read, to cheer me up and make me feel better.

I can’t tell you also the supportive and wonderful messages I received to my inbox about my blog and what I am sharing… and to all who called and texted.. and continue supporting me.

So much love to you. Thank you, Thank you, Thank you.