Hi you, yes you. You who have come here via my post on Rethink Mental Illness about having bipolar disorder.

Thank you for clicking through to see my blog about my little world of mental health awareness and life.

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With love and gratitude 🙂

I realised today that I havn’t spoken on my blog yet about one aspect of taking Lithium as medication for bipolar disorder. Blood tests, levels and toxicity.

Now I have been having my blood tested every few months since I was about 17. This is so they could check that my organs were functioning OK on my last mood stabilising medication, Carbamazepine (that I was on from aged 16-25). Carbamazepine is quite a mild drug and thankfully all was alright and I had very few side effects on it (other than the mental effects of depression because it didnt work over time).

When I left hospital as an inpatient in 2014 and began taking Lithium carbonate, my Drs on the day ward had to start me off slowly and build up the level of Lithium in my blood carefully week by week. This is because Lithium is an extremely strong medication and if there is too much Lithium in the blood stream, the body goes into a ‘toxic’ state and you feel really unwell and have to go to hospital for the physical side effects.

So over a period of about 2 months, my psychiatrist on the day ward slowly and steadily increased my Lithium dosage to a therapeutic dose. I also take Quetaipine, which is another mood stabiliser but the interaction means that in the worst cases, you can have heart problems. Thankfully, I have not had heart issues but I do have to go to have occasional ECGs at the hospital to check my heart rate etc.

Anyway, this morning I had a blood test so that the Drs could test my Lithium level (so its not too low or high in blood), kidney function and thyroid function. Lithium can effect both kidneys and thyroid negatively, due to the fact it is a strong salt, so its so important to have these tests.

I  feel extremely lucky to have the NHS and not to have to pay for  my treatment. Blood tests aren’t fun but thankfully as they are a little needle, I am now used to them.

Oh such fun 🙂

Quite a lot has happened since I last wrote here. I decided to give myself a break from blogging just to reflect.

The aforementioned job interview happened last week. I actually thought it had gone pretty badly, due to the fact the interview was very short and my interviewer didn’t give much away. So much so, that in what only can be described as a mix of determination and blind panic, I spent the following day sending out my CV, talking to recruiters, applying for volunteering posts and pretty much worrying myself to death about life and the fact I may not have a job or career I wanted from September.

Luckily,  my lovely friend Katie came to visit so we chatted for hours about life and everything in  between which made me feel so much better! Then, I went to sleep, still having not heard back from my interview and still feeling like I was in limbo and so far away from being where I actually wanted. I had spent the day checking and re checking my emails, looking for other opportunities and essentially being a worry wart.

Friday morning, I had breakfast and then got a call from the school. Who told me…. they wanted to offer me the part time job with early years children that I so wanted! I think I was in shock for the majority of the day.

But yes, due to a combination of determination, panic, nerves, various taxi rides to schools and an interview in 30 degree heat on the hottest day of the year- I got there in the end and will start at my new school in September. *wipes brow*

Still can’t quite believe it but there you go. Exciting developments ahead I hope…..

In other news, I have been catching up with and seeing friends and looking forward to my holidays in August. I will hopefully also have a blog published by a mental health charity and will post it when it is up.

Thank you again for reading my musings and for the support.

 

As I go to job interviews and I try to reach my goal, this quote speaks to my heart. It says- keep going and be fearless.

Even when all seems in limbo it reminds me to keep working towards my dreams in whatever way possible. Even if I can’t control the outcome, I must keep my souls dreams alive and keep working towards them. Fingers crossed…..

Sometimes in life, you feel anxious or down or tired or stressed or overwhelmed. Its times like this you must be kind to yourself and keep going through the turmoil of these feelings.

Today, I am feeling much brighter. I started some new therapy on Monday which was enlightening but left me very exhausted and a little overwhelmed as I opened up fully.

I am also trying to get back into work and to blog more. There may be an exciting project in the pipe line and I will let you know if the blog gets published.

Must always tell myself (and others) to keep going and to try to shine my light.

 

‘The Only Thing Constant in the World is Change……’- India Arie

In the same journal from 2011, I found a poem I had written about living life with the instability of depression and constant emotion. It is so interesting for me to look back on and I wanted to share this with you, to raise awareness of what it is like to go through despair, instability and the low feelings of depression or any hardship.

Thank God, I am now much better. This poem is dedicated to a friend of mine. I will also create a poetry page at the top to collate all my poems together. I hope this poem can help others if they are going through similar emotions or if they just want to understand a friend or loved one.

My Storm Clouds Shall Fade to Wisps-  (written 1st March 2011)
Woken up
Like the sky is going to crash
Like the sea is there to swallow me
Surges of emotions like the waves
Rocking my once calm and serene boat
This morning I am stormy
Maybe this evening I will be still
As a bird asleep in its mothers nest
Protected and warm
I will be tranquil
Teardrops shall not fall
I will be at peace
My storm clouds shall fade to wisps.              

(copyright: diaryofanearlythirtyyearold.wordpress.com)

The other day I was in my room and I found one of my journal notebooks from 2011. I have been journalling on and off since I was about 14 and have documented a lot of my life.

Why am I about to share this diary entry from 2011?

In 2011, I was suffering from bad depression and anxiety. I had to quit my job in teaching in April due to stress and depression and was waiting to begin  my masters degree at the Royal Central School of Speech and Drama in the September.  I eventually went on to complete my Masters, but ended up suicidally depressed (no exaggeration) afterwards- however I loved my degree even with my health challenges.

Anyway, back in 2011, I was on a mood stabiliser to even out my moods- Carbamazepine, that wasn’t holding my depressive moods at all. In truth I had been clinically depressed on and off since 2008 and my Doctors were begging me to try Lithium to improve my moods but I refused, being frightened as it is a far stronger drug and I was concerned about its side effects.
After my hospitalisation in 2014, I decided to try Lithium as it had worked for my Dad and my bipolar is far more under control. I wanted to share this message that I wrote about my bipolar at the time. It shows what having this illness is like and I hope will raise awareness or give others comfort that they are not alone.

2011 Entry

‘ If I was to describe how having bipolar disorder makes you feel- Its like having two yous. I mainly suffer from depression and so one me hides from the world, feels frightened and anxious, down, can’t do anything- go to work , see friends, walk down a road. And the other half of me is my bubbly happy self- seeing friends and loving theatre, music, nature, travelling and life.

I am, believe it or not, a people person. But then irrationality takes over me and I don’t know who I am. I become a scared child, who hides in her bed for comfort. I become someone that I don’t know. And I don’t want this anymore.

I don’t want to be so frightened. I want to live.

Part of this though is not bipolar disorder- its separate anxiety that bubbles up when I am under stress in my life. I feel a sickening feeling of fear in my stomach- gurgling away, palms sweat and mind replays the ‘fearful’ scene over and over. I isolate myself because I become scared of peoples judgement of me. Its irrational but the physical symptoms of fear feel very bad.

I know I can get better and rid myself of the symptoms. I know I can move forward and follow methods that will get rid of it. I just have to use all the advice I know and all the common sense I can to push forward. To keep challenging myself, because I can do it and I am going to get better.

I will be without anxiety for good.’

On Friday, 1st July, I turned 28. It was such a special birthday for me as two years ago I was too ill to celebrate and last year I was in Rome on holiday. It was the first year since 2014, that I could see my friends and loved ones on the day itself and I had a truly wonderful day. I was thoroughly spoilt by friends and family,  went out for a milkshake with my Dad, had two birthday cakes made for me and had two renditions of happy birthday ( cakes were lemon drizzle and chocolate), opened my cards and presents and had a lovely friday night dinner with my mum, step dad, sister, brother in law and his parents.

It was such a blessing- when you have known the depths of illness and despair, life is to be grabbed with both hands. I am so thankful for this birthday celebration.The night before my birthday I went to see Guys and Dolls with Katie and it was just wonderful! Such a funny, brilliant production with great casting and music.

As always, after a high I usually have about a day of a low… and this weekend I have just felt like I need to rest and rejuvenate and withdraw. I have been relaxing.

Please G-d the year ahead should be happy and healthy and more stable in terms of my health and work consistency.

Reflecting on a truly memorable birthday 🙂