Smiling through the rain: Early morning anxiety and life with bipolar.


Its been almost a week or so since I have written a blog and thats because life has been hard lately. Due to my early morning panic attacks and increased anxiety about leaving the house at that time, I couldn’t get in to work. Luckily, I can do online work on home doing social media and writing, so that is one major plus point. However, currently I am seeking extra support about my morning anxiety and fears.

I have lived with my anxiety disorder for most of my life- it comes in times of stress or times when I get triggered by something I can’t always explain- having to get up early and achieve, having to show up in the morning despite feeling so quivery and vulnerable, having to feel like I can cope- when inside I feel so scared. For reasons I can’t always pinpoint.

I have tried so many therapies and I would say with me, I have to use things in combination like breathing techniques, meditation, distraction, colouring and exposure therapy. However, now I would very much like  to find a psychological therapy that works for me. I have had 3 lots of cognitive behavioural therapy, which for me doesn’t seem to take away the fear. It is helpful for understanding limiting beliefs  like ‘I’m not good enough’  or ‘ I can’t do this, I will mess up’  and then understand where these fears come from and how they impact on life.

Briefly I will explain that I believe these limiting beliefs have come about because of trauma. The trauma of being hospitalised a few years ago for my bipolar disorder and having to learn to live life and get back to normality again despite disruption. The trauma of not feeling good enough, not feeling like I can live up to my perfectionist standards- not wanting to let people in my life down or me down . Feeling like I have to really achieve and be good at everything I do, because this belief has helped me fight, fight, fight for life and everything in it.

I, like many others with mental health issues, am hard on myself. I have a little voice though that won’t be tamed and is constantly pushing me to achieve and help people, help myself, be better. This is because I know the pain of setback. I know the pain of fear. and I know the pain of being confined to a hospital ward. So when I am well- nothing will stop me. The panic attacks may stop part of my life, but they won’t stop me from telling my story and reaching others. They wont stop me from being able to live and being able to touch peoples hearts through my writing (this is what I strive for).

Right now, I am dreaming about so much and hoping to put these dreams into reality. I will get therapy and I will get better with much effort and time. I will not let this keep me down- because I, like so many with my conditions, am a fighter and I will make sure that I live life to the full.

And part of this therapy is writing on my blog and being authentic, real and honest. And being blessed and thankful for my medical team, family, boyfriend, friends and support networks. Support is everything and I am so lucky.

Thanks for reading <3.


7 thoughts on “Smiling through the rain: Early morning anxiety and life with bipolar.

  1. Hi friend
    I understand every thing you are experiencing, living with Anxiety all my life. Two points I would stress, a Therapist & Psychiatrist right away. The Therapist will help you work at the root of the triggers and anxiety. A Psychiatrist to prescribe any medication. I have to take Xanax or live a miserable day. I would think you have a doctor to manage your Bipolar.
    Be gentle on yourself, you can’t help people when you are struggling, Let certain people in your circle understand you need support and how they can provide support. With our diseases life gets very confusing, overwhelming and no sign life is changing. No apologizing needed. People you know will understand and who cares about others.
    You are the priority so you can take steps to help others. Trying to help when your experiencing could turn out worst.
    As people have said, fake it till you make it. To me that doesn’t mean don’t mean hide your people with mental illness. It helped me break the cycle of negative thinking over many years. It’s common for people to have negative self talk which slows the process for making progress and most important gain confidence, the next step you can start taking nano steps towards you goal.
    I feel strongly writing is important, try not to only talk about the rough. Go get an ice cream, hot lavender bath, treat yourself for the steps.
    I’m thinking of you. I pray tomorrow is an awesome day you can drink in.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hi M 🙂

      Thank you so much for your incredibly kind and thoughtful message. I do have a psychiatrist- but because I already take a lot of meds- anti depressants, mood stabilisers… I am not so keen to take anti anxiety meds on top as I have found they don’t work for me long term and in the short term make me incredibly tired. However, I am seeing my psych in a few weeks as I have been waiting for therapy on the NHS list here in the UK for a year and a half. I am seeking a therapist that can help me work through my psychological issues around this. Thank you for the recommendation.

      I am lucky to have a very good support network. My partner is very understanding as are my family and close friends. However, I hate having this issue, it really upsets me. I find it hard to ‘fake it’ when extremely anxious in the mornings at times. I am not anxious all day though which is good, its specific triggers. Thanks for reminding me about self care and for your kind and meaningful wishes. I hope you have a great day too! 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I take less meds now that in the past, I could not live without anxiety meds. I take generic Xanax. It’s a love hate relationship, it works for me very quickly but the withdrawal is hell. I’ve taken it for over 10 years with only a couple partial or complete withdrawals. Keep an open mind, life is hard enough everyday. It might be your meds needs changing and will solve the issue.
        I’ve been very ill for three yrs and have developed acrophobia. After only leaving house for doctors appointments has been tough. I working with my Therapist. My new car still sets in garage, I to scared to drive. I understand anxiety. Take care of self, a hot bath with aromatherapy relaxes me. For a time anyway.
        When your up to working together let me & I’ll send an invitation. No rush, you mental health always comes first. 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Thank you. I really hope you are able to overcome the agarophobia. I know what the feels like but I kn ow you will get better and you will be able to leave the house in time.

        I would love to work with you. Wishing you a relaxing weekend of self care and happiness 🙂 xx keep in touch

        Liked by 1 person

      3. I leave for doctors appt. almost every week, I think being nervous driving again after so long is the stress. Technically probably not full agoraphobia. I want to drive, my husband is leaving town in couple of weeks. My goal is driving before he leaves. Take care this weekend as well. 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

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