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Those who have Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) often have trouble maintaining relationships. Though not every relationship will go through these stages and the process isn’t always linear, there are six distinct phases they can go through (although each person is different). Those phases can include the following.
Idealisation
The first phase, often the start of the relationship, is the idealisation phase. Someone with BPD will shower their partner with affection, so the relationship starts out passionately. They may develop feelings fast, and they may mistake the initial feelings of passion as finding the person they’re going to be with forever. Those getting help for their mental health at a Borderline personality treatment center will learn how to recognise this phase in their relationships.
Fear of Abandonment
Once the relationship is underway, the person with BPD will end up watching everything their partner does carefully. The fear of abandonment is strong, so they end up worrying that there are signs that they will be left behind. If their partner doesn’t answer a text message fast enough, the person with BPD might feel like their partner is thinking of leaving them. This can put strain on the relationship.
Reassurance
At this point, the person with BPD will attempt to get reassurance that the partner isn’t going to leave. They might start arguments in an attempt to get the partner to prove they are willing to fight to stay in the relationship. This is often where relationships turn toxic, as the behaviour leads to more arguments and fights in an effort to get the partner to prove they’re serious about the relationship.
Distress
Because of the toxicity in the relationship, it will start to fall apart. The person with BPD will see this coming and start to feel like there’s no way to save the relationship. They’re may feel like they are empty, but they do not have a way to communicate this with their partner. The lack of communication skills can spell disaster for the relationship.
Abandonment
The person with BPD is likely to be the first one to break up the relationship. At this point, it’s difficult if not impossible for the relationship to recover, even if the person with BPD realises what they’ve done. This ultimately creates the feeling of being abandoned, so they are likely going to feel like their fear is real and will be more likely to repeat these phases in the future.
Grief
The final stage is grief. They may end up blaming themselves for the relationship ending and can engage in self-harm or other destructive behaviours as a result. Some will turn to substance abuse or risky behaviours as they grieve the end of the relationship. Depending on the severity of BPD, the intensity of the relationship, and other factors, it may not take long to get from the idealisation stage to the grief stage, which can make going through this stage worse.
BPD disorder doesn’t mean that a relationship is impossible and not all relationships with them will go through these phases. However, this is a common way that relationships play out when one of the people suffers from BPD. Therapy and relationship counselling can help both people to recover and repair from any toxic relationship patterns.
This article was written by Maya.
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