I havn’t written in a while as it has been an extremely busy week!

The Jewish Festival of Purim was here on Thursday and I dressed up as  Snow White and had meals with friends and family.

Over Shabbat (Saturday), I stayed in Bushey for my Grandpas 90th Birthday shabbat, celebrating with my family. It was lovely.

I am doing OK, though due to the tiredness became a bit less able to cope, in terms of my social anxiety. I had done a lot and the thought of doing more was overwhelming so I have been resting over the past 2 days.

Back at work tomorrow and have a cold (delightful) however I am sure I will have a good week.

Longer update soon!

 

I started my new job at the end of last week. It looks like it will be challenging but rewarding and everyone was really friendly and helpful. However, it is a little daunting and this morning I am a little bit nervous so I thought I would come here and blog.

There have also been a few issues dominating my life lately. One of which is weight gain on the medications I am on. In the past few years I have put on 3 stone- this was largely due to cravings caused by the meds, comfort eating and just not eating sensibly. I have never had to go on a proper diet and exercise regime (last time this happened I was 16 and the weight just fell off me…oh, teenage metabolism).. but now it is becoming evident that I will need to. This is not just for vanity, I don’t want to be at risk of diabetes (which runs in my family) or heart disease or any other physical illnesses associated to weight gain. I am tall so I can half hide it but I need to really get on a good, healthy nutrition plan. My problem: I love pasta, cheese, orange juice and chocolate. Aka- all the things I shouldn’t eat (or eat in moderation).

I have accepted that weight gain is a part of being on Lithium and anti psychotics/ anti depressants in general but it doesn’t make it easy. Luckily, I have people to talk to about what to do and now I must make meal plans and really stick to it.

I have been feeling thankful for everything recently. Yes sometimes weight related issues or comments make me feel depressed and trigger depressive thinking, but I am able to work through it. My new job is very helpful as well in terms of keeping me busy and doing something I love doing.

So its not all bad…!

Today is my best friends birthday so going to celebrate with her after work. Should be lovely to see new and old faces.

I am blogging today as I type I can feel the adrenaline pouring through my veins! Im very anxious, anticipatory anxiety as I start my new job role tomorrow. As exciting as this is, it also is flooding me with anxious thoughts and emotions and not to the mention the adrenaline making me want to run away.

However, I must rationalise this and work with it- I am used to feeling this nervous and I just have to ride it out. Ahh, not easy but hey!

I was meant to go to the theatre today with a lovely friend of mine but cancelled as was feeling so nervous. She is extremely understanding but it is not fun having panic attacks, however minor.

I feel very on edge but I am going to read and be quiet and distract my mind. I will prepare my outfit for tomorrow and everything I need, documents etc and I hope everyone will be kind. I find new environments and change quite challenging. So I hope that people are friendly and I am only staying for the morning tomorrow anyway.

I am going to keep up with the deep breathing and relaxation today, as well as having a warm bath and preparing my bag. I want to have a proper winding down session for sleep.

Speaking to my counsellor today helped a great deal. She is a big source of courage and hope and inspiration to me and I sincerely hope that I can make her and my family proud of me.

I can do this, I just have to pace myself and remember nothing bad will happen. Life with anxiety eh?

Today I found out that instead of starting work in two weeks, I start at the end of this week! This is exciting if a little nerve wracking. However, my colleagues so far seem very kind and I think will be extremely supportive of me.

I had a lovely weekend and was able to socialise and go out for lunch with my family, as well as see my best friends.

I am also now fundraising for Jami (Jewish Association of Mental Illness) by selling my old books which makes me feel very positive and excited-I hope I am able to make an impact!

Thank god at the moment, my main mood stabiliser, Lithium carbonate, is holding me really well and my moods are stable, no longer fluctuating between depression or mania. I am so grateful as my illness can be very acute when  my medicines don’t work.

Today I am looking to the future and starting in my new job role, seeing friends, planning holidays and looking forward to festivals coming up. Purim is around the corner and I am so excited for it.

In this blog, so far, I have spoken mainly about my anxiety disorder. Why is this so? I have always been encouraged to keep quiet about my main mental health condition for fear of stigma, judgement etc. However, I am open about it to close friends and family.

I was diagnosed with bipolar affective disorder (formerly manic depression) when I was just 16 years old. This was diagnosed after a period of both depression and hypomania (a lower level manic episode characterised by a ridiculous amount of energy, disnhibition etc) spanning over a year. I was then hospitalised later that year in Christmas 2004 and spent several months on an adolescent psychiatric unit in London, while they put me on mood stabilising medication and got me well through individual talking and group therapies (including art, PE etc).

I met some amazing people in hospital that time. We were all just teenagers suffering from a wide variety of mental health issues including schizophrenia, bipolar, psychosis (some drug induced), eating disorders, self harm etc. I didnt keep in contact with the people I was in hospital with but I hope they are all well and I sometimes do think of them.

I was supported by a wonderful psychiatrist who managed to stabilised my depression  and psychosis, and I also had a team of nurses and therapists around me who would cheer me up, make me laugh and one even helped me put on my make up one day. They really were my angels.

Mum came to visit me every day. It must have been so traumatising for her to see her little girl so poorly. But thank g-d, after 4 months of being in hospital and slowly getting better I came home and it would be another ten years later that I would find myself in hospital again.

My illness is largely believed to be genetic as it runs in my family. Therefore for ten years I have taken constant mood stabilising medication and anti depressants to keep the chemical symptoms at bay. My hospitalisation last year was the culmination of my body changing as I became a woman and the medication (mood stabiliser) not working. I am now on the right medication.

Both times I have been ill, I have had people in my life who I call ‘angels’ because they have prayed for me, visited me in hospital when I have been at my worst, lit shabbat candles for me, put my name in the Western Wall in Jerusalem, sent me cards and flowers and letters, all of which I have kept. When I was 16, my school year even came together to present me with two homemade cards. I was so grateful and have them in my bedroom in the wardrobe to this day.

Bipolar affective disorder has two types. I am Bipolar One- meaning I can have more acute episodes of full blown mania and psychosis. Psychosis (delusional beliefs) is very scary but it can be treated by certain wonderful medications and I am happy to say it doesn’t affect me when I am on the right meds.

I will have this condition for the rest of my life. I know how best to manage it but there are still hard times. Either way, I will continue explaining it to people who ask… so that people can understand you can live a full and fulfilling life with this illness.

I will write more another time on my Bipolar. Thank you for reading and for the support.

I can now confirm that I was offered the job I went for and will be starting at the end of the month :)!. It was such an overwhelming feeling on Tuesday when I heard a few hours after the interview- shock, happiness, overwhelmed, stressed (in a good way). I had just been through such a tough experience that to be offered a job that suited me in another school made me feel over the moon and i am so so grateful!

I have to say, I did cry when I heard the news- happy tears and hoping it is the right place for me.

I am feeling so inspired today by my friend, Jonny Benjamin, who is a mental health campaigner and wonderful human being. I have known Jonny since we were teenagers (before either of us knew about each others mental health issues). To see him campaign and break down stigma that even today I feel, is the most inspiring part of all.  He gives a voice to those of us who feel we can’t openly speak about it. However, the more we who go through severe mental illness, talk about it, about the fact you can get better, about the fact you can live a fulfilling life….the quicker stigma may fall.

Additionally, I am extremely lucky to have an incredible support network in my family and friends. I also have support from a wonderful care coordinator (who trained as a psychiatric nurse)- she talks to me about anything I am concerned about and we have a really good rapport. My psychiatrist is also very calming and helpful.

I will be writing more posts about what it is like to live with mental ill health. Lots of love x

Today has felt like a total rollercoaster and sequence of events.  I had a job interview and so was up at 6am to get up, prepare and leave the house to go to Starbucks. I handwrote some of the following before my interview, I decided to include it to give you an insight into the mind of someone with anticipatory anxiety.

7.41am Starbucks

This morning I woke up and didn’t panic but was able to get out the house early thanks to feeling the fear and doing it anyway as well as the support of my family and friends. I was determined not to give up this opportunity to go for the job I wanted, whether I got it or not.

I am now sitting in Starbucks preparing, people watching and watching the world go by. I have my drink, my pen and a warm place to watch the world.

There has been a lot of change and upheaval in my life of late. My confidence has been knocked. Either way, now is the time to nurture myself, try and build a career again  and most importantly build that confidence back! I have been through a lot in the past few years….so much that in times of stress my anxiety gets worse.

So what has helped me manage my panic? Often my therapist has said to me if I want something to happen,more than the panic, if something is really truly important to me then I will find a way to do it. So far this morning my body has not yet had the anxiety instinctive fight or flight response. Yet I have butterflies and want it to go well

10.20am Coffee house near prospective employer

I am now in my second coffee house of the day….but not drinking coffee as the caffeine makes my nerves worse. It is a quirky, artsy independent shop..a good bolt hole. So how am I feeling?

My interview is soon at a school. I am alright but have slightly heightened anxiety and am feeling hot and sweaty. I have prepared as much as I can and now I shall feel the fear but do it despite the fear. And breathe….

Result! I went with the nerves and the interviewers put me at great ease. I felt relaxed there. I answered all their questions and they told me that they would call me later that day.

And I can very happily report that they called and it was positive news! So happy and will write more once all is finalised.

I am now very very tired though! Hi to any new readers…do give me your thoughts.

I have decided to keep posting in the hope that one day this will become a tool to help other people through what I go through on a regular basis. It is also so therapeutic to write and who knows maybe this will help someone somewhere one day!

So- at the end of last week I was unable to attend my job interview. I had felt panicked and stressed and sweaty, with constant anxious thoughts and was tired from lack of sleep. However, I was able to contact them and let them know I would reschedule which I have for tomorrow morning. This is what I shall name ‘the anxiety low‘. Aka- I gave in to it and wasn’t able to push through it.

Of course, this then dented my confidence and meant I cancelled an arrangement with a friend for lunch the following day. Yet, the most surprising part of my  weekend was that I felt able to go out to a comedy gig with my siblings and I didn’t panic or feel overly anxious. Then the following day, despite having anticipatory anxiety beforehand, I was able with the help of friends to go to a close friends baby shower party. Which was so much fun and I didn’t have any form of panic attack!  (The anxiety win/high).

It was so lovely just to be around friends and smiling and enjoying myself, and celebrating something so wonderful. So going out both days without panicking has given me a confidence boost which I hope and pray will help me get through my interview and eventually go on that date I cancelled. But one thing at a time.

Having an ‘anxiety win’ is sometimes the best thing of all 🙂 – especially when you have had a horrible time. My real test will be tomorrow. Fingers crossed it will go alright!

I have decided to make the focus of my blog the struggle with anxiety and how it impacts on my life. For me, it can be the most frustrating experience trying to cope with it and what it brings to my life. Writing is I suppose a form of therapy but I also wanted to share my experiences in the hope it will help someone else struggling.  (Hi if thats you!)

Put simply, when people go through traumatic events and are prone to anxiety, it comes back with a vengeance. Today I was meant to have a job interview and was tossing and turning in bed for hours last night. I had prepared and researched the day before, I laid my clothes out the night before, I had a warm bath to relax, I had read policies relating to the school post I was applying for. And I woke up this morning in a panic, and postponed going until next week.

Morning anxiety can be a real problem for me. It is something that I was taught I should just get up, washed and dressed and have breakfast and deal with the anxious thoughts through positive mantras or distraction techniques e.g. colouring, looking on the internet, TV- whatever helps. You have to push through it yet some days I really don’t feel like I can. I know other sufferers feel the same.

How does giving into anxiety make you feel?

– First, you have the relief that the feared event is not going to impact on you that day. You are ‘safe’ in your mind, your physical symptoms begin to ease and you can rest.

– Then you have the guilt- I should have gone to that interview/ party/ date/ seen my friend, ‘what am I doing?’ ‘why is this happening?’.

– If you are like me, you berate yourself for what happened – but you must be kind to yourself- its not your fault if things get too overwhelming. It is about striking the right balance and doing what is achievable, as my sister always reminds me.

In truth I am feeling fragile after a bad work experience and so things are harder for me at the minute but as I have had anxiety for years, you just have to get through. Which I will try to do this weekend! Fingers crossed 🙂

 

Dear Reader and Friend,

If I have given you the link to my little blog here :), it is because I am working on this as a therapeutic project- one where I can write my heart without feeling ashamed and one where I can share what it is like to live with mental ill health at times. This is something that has been a part of my life since I was 15 years old and I will be 28 this year. It doesn’t feel like 13 years have passed since I first got sick, but its true that time definitely passes quickly.

I decided to start writing this after I had to leave my job, which is a difficult event for anyone. For me though, it has proved to cause a dip in my confidence levels, which has provoked my anxiety disorder once more. Although I have never been formally diagnosed with social anxiety disorder, it has been recognised by many Drs and therapists I have seen, so for all terms and purposes, it is present in me and I have sought treatment for it

So what is social anxiety disorder?

Many of you would be slightly surprised to hear I have this as I can be bubbly and friendly, have some loving friends, am at times able to work (albeit part time) or study or go on holiday and go to parties or on dates, which most people take for granted. However, when I am feeling at my worst, when I am tearful and the adrenaline is pumping through my veins, wanting to hide from the world becomes the only way out.

I digress- social anxiety disorder is the general fear of having to interact with people, for fear of negative judgement or outcome. It can make a trip to the shops feel like the most insurmountable mountain, or going on a date feel like the most scary, terrible thing in your life, for fear of negative outcome- eg what if he thinks this/ that about me? what if I feel on show and have to get dressed up when I really want to hide? . As mentioned, when I am feeling well, the anxiety can be kept more at bay.

Social Anxiety is characterised by limiting, negative beliefs about the world or one self and is of course, an irrational disorder. Our bodies are programmed to ‘fight or flight’ and the adrenaline is there for really fearful situations eg when we were cave men and we had to flee from a predator. Our brains and our bodies have not caught up to modern times and still thinks we live in caves (except now the ‘predator’ is a fearful situation in our heads). The adrenaline and cortisol (a hormone) can cause a build up of stress in the body and our emotional reactions eg hyperventilation, painful chest, sweating, hot flushes, shaky etc.

However, what I have learnt about SA is that if you wait 40 or so minutes for this to pass and you keep telling yourself in mantras- ‘this will not harm me, this will go away‘, it does go away. You are meant to quite literally ‘ride the anxiety wave‘ and ‘see it out’ so it goes and your body returns to normal. This is obviously easier said than done and something that when I am fragile, I find hard. As when you feel like this, the natural instinct is to cancel the feared event so that your body and mind returns to normal. Many of you will have been a victim of my cancelling. This is why.

So where am I now? Well the reason I am talking about SA in addition to my bipolar (they are linked, when in low mood, the SA becomes stronger), is because that is what is affecting me right now…..

Sometimes I fear going out to typically anxiety provoking places. This week I cancelled going on a (half blind) date three times (!) because I was so scared to meet a new person and have to ‘show up, dress up, however I felt’. This is not so easy for us SA sufferers. However, I have been achieving in the past few months and been working, going on dates and out with friends. Its just at the moment when my confidence and self esteem are lowered that its really tough going. I call myself and other sufferers ‘anxiety warriors’ because when you have this, its like going into battle with yourself.

I have a job interview this week and my brain has already been processing the potentially scary and anxiety provoking scenario. I feel like this anxiety disorder is something I and many others, will just have to live with.

I have tried Cognitive Behavioural Therapy three times (where you unpack your thoughts and limiting beliefs in thought records with a therapist and at home). I have had talking therapy with a psychotherapist/psychologist and group therapy about anxiety levels with an occupational therapist. I have tried Charles Lindens brilliant ‘Linden Method’ anxiety programme- where he encourages you not to give in to the anxiety through going out and ‘exposure therapy’ and has been anxiety free for years as a former sufferer (his condition was far worse than mine). When I have been particularly bad, I have taken anxiety medication including benzodiazepines, which make me drowsy but do help with very acute anxiety. I dont take any SA meds currently, although my bipolar meds help with this. I have tried relaxation CDS, deep breathing etc but I feel that a lot of this doesnt help with SA, rather general anxiety.

I wish there was a treatment developed other than exposure therapy that could help- but it seems if I want to help myself, I have to literally walk out the front door, by myself into an anxiety provoking situation.

So thats where I am at almost 28.

I hope this sheds some light on this disorder that not many people understand. For help with it, check out Raj and his date in the Big Bang Theory. They communicate by text in public. This thank god has never been me but it shows the extent that the condition permeates our psyche. I cant currently remember the characters name, but in scenes, she also cancels dates and won’t go to parties out of extreme fear and embarrassment.

I am trying to get better again and so thankful for all my wonderful supportive friends (and of course medical team around me). Thank you for reading my first blog.

PS- I will be fundraising for Jami in the future so if you would like the link to my justgiving page, let me know!