Today, I have been reflecting on everything that has happened to me in the past year or so, since I began to get better from an acute bipolar episode.

I have kept what has happened this year to myself because I felt I didn’t want to broadcast it to the world. However, these are the achievements that I am proud of.

Sometimes I sit and think (I always think too much) about the support I have had, things I have achieved and the amazing blessings that have been brought to my life. I must say that there are days, like yesterday, when I sat and cried and cried because I was so tired and felt in a ‘why me?’ mood. I try not to get like that because it doesn’t help matters but sometimes you just have to let it out.

So after I left hospital in June 2014 and then after day hospital til September 2014 (essentially, a group therapy ward where I met some lovely, inspirational people), I was very depressed and anxious at all the trauma I had been through. With the help of an incredibly supportive nurse and Dr, I managed to get back out into the world, began taking medication that stabilised my moods again and calmed my thoughts and gradually, gradually,  I came out of my shell again.

I had my sister and brother in laws wedding to look forward to, and thank g-d was able to be her maid of honour and walk down the aisle for her, dance with her and enjoy the day. Was such a lovely lovely day..Then, my Dad and I went to Rome on a birthday trip which was just the most wonderful, fun time and whilst I was there, for my birthday I asked people to donate to Jami (Jewish Association for Mental Illness). The total completely  blew me away- my friends and family were so so generous and we raised over £950! I truly was shocked and surprised by everyones kindness. (Thank you if you donated).

After eating huge amounts of pasta and pizza and ice cream in Rome (oh, the gelato), raising so much money for Jami- I felt so positive. I came home and went to Harry Potter studios with my best friends for my birthday, Harry Potter geek alert and made more memories. Then, in September, I began a new job at a school working as a teaching assistant….and started at a different school in February. Both have given me hugely varied experiences and I hope will assist me in my chosen career.

Essentially to cut a long story short, I have had ups and downs with my health since then. I have found that work is a challenge but also a pleasure. I have found that my anxiety flares up when I am super stressed or tired or have done too much. I have appreciated the kindness and beauty of my friends- who also donated to my Jami book sale, and give me constant support and love and understanding- even when mental health issues are hard to understand .

Sustaining work has been a major challenge because I suffer from panic attacks. But I have learnt from my family to be strong and push forward as best I can… although it can be hugely challenging.

I will always remember my incredible friends who came to visit and sent me cards and flowers and food and prayers from abroad too, as well as lighting candles for me. The chicken soup I received every Friday from the local rabbi, my mums cheesecake on shavuot. So much to be grateful for.

I havn’t spoken about this before because I didn’t want it to seem like I am blowing my own trumpet (oh, look what I have achieved etc). But I wanted to talk about the possibility of recovery and of hope despite darkness. It is so important to find the light.

Yesterday I felt super flat, low in mood  and exhausted. I literally could barely do anything, had only slept 4 hours and needed a day to recover. It was then that I discovered I had taken the wrong tablets by mistake (morning instead of evening tablets)- which meant my med dosages were low. Hence, the mood shift as my body adjusted. It is crazy how the medication can effect you…..for me, it is a life line but yesterday was a wake up call.

Today I have felt much better and completed a job application which I am so pleased about. I am planning the future and trying to remain hopeful.

All is not lost 🙂

This week I have been job applying to admin roles that don’t seem as stressful. I have a lead for a job so seeing where that leads for now. Possibly also may do some blogging, social media and admin work for family members, while I have the time.

I must think of the positives. I am not depressed, I am trying and I will find the right job again in due time. Like the title says, resilience!

I had a lovely day yesterday playing with my friend and her kids in the park and then seeing Me Before You at the cinema (romantic weepy.. controversial as about euthanasia). It was fun and I am lucky to have time to do that- to spend quality time with friends and family. So that’s one big positive.

Writing here is so therapeutic for me so will keep writing and sharing my heart.And counting my blessings.

I have been reading Elizabeth Gilberts book ‘ Big Magic: Creative Living Beyond Fear‘. I came across a quote of hers about fear, that sums up how I am feeling at the moment.

I have also been trying to use the DARE method to stop my panic attacks, its a method where you accept and welcome the anxiety, rather than fighting it. Still learning how to implement it and it takes a lot of brain and will power to keep going with the ‘anxiety gremlins’ as I call them. Hopefully this will help me long term.

Here is the quote from Elizabeth Gilbert:

‘For the entirety of my young and skittish life, I had fixated upon my fear as if it were the most interesting thing about me, when actually it was the most mundane. In fact my fear was probably the only 100 percent mundane thing about me. I had creativity within me that was original, I had a personality that was original, I had dreams and perspectives and aspirations within me that were original. But my fear was not original in the least. My fear wasn’t some kind of rare artisanal object, it was just a mass-produced item, available on the shelves of any geoneric box store.

And that’s the thing I wanted to build my entire identity around?

The most boring instinct I possessed?

The panic reflex of my dumbest inner tadpole?

No.’ (p21, Big Magic, Creative Living without Fear, Gilbert)   

I had it all mapped out. I had a part time job that would have lasted a year and would have given me enough money to train as a primary teacher. I had a plan to apply for teacher training in September. My dream was and is to become an early years/ Reception teacher and then specialise in children with special educational needs as a SENCO in a school. This is still exactly what I want but my confidence has been shaken.

It seems that my temperament is not so well suited for the stress of teaching. Yet, I love working with children and other than writing/ blogging, I literally can’t see myself doing anything else.

I trained in drama and applied theatre and i love the creativity drama brings. However, I don’t want to teach drama in a secondary school yet- I don’t feel ready and I prefer working with younger age groups.

I genuinely feel well and truly lost. However, this is a beautiful thing. I have time to dream and think and plan and get myself well so I can achieve my dream of being a happy and confident Reception teacher- nurturing children and helping them learn and grow , but most importantly a happy and confident person. I am going to love life again in all its glory.

I will not let anxiety or depression define who I am. Yes, I do face more challenges than most but I will achieve and I will get better. This is the beauty of being lost.

I had a really restful and good time away at my Dads in Leicestershire, it was peaceful and we went to this amazing 1940s war time cafe (like a mini museum that served tea and cake) and to Bradgate Park, a historical park with beautiful rivers and ruins.

I am now back in London and evaluating my life- how to move forward and what to do next.

It really isn’t easy but I will get there I hope. I just want to feel well and back at work.

x

This week I have taken the week just to have time off and get perspective on everything that has happened.

I have been staying at my Dads house in Leicester and at my Aunts house, cuddling her very cute pet kittens, reading and seeing my cousins.

It has been a much needed few days of holiday. I just need time to be and think what to do next in my career and for my health.

It is so important to have that support network, I am blessed with a kind and supportive family.

x

I am once again in limbo in terms of my health and career. Thank g-d, I am not severely depressed but I do at times have heightened anxiety and panic attacks, which disrupted me getting back to work again, and I had to quit after only 2 months. I really did not want to leave my job but felt that I almost had no choice because at times I couldn’t get in to work.

This week, I am going to stay at my dad up in Leicester. I need time to think and regroup about things and move forward again.

I have found the meditation app to be really helpful. I also want to try hypnotherapy for my social anxiety/ panic attacks as it really helped my Dad. I just want them to go so I can hold down work again. I have tried a lot of different techniques with them and so I think it may be time to try something new.

I am feeling grateful that I am able to cope with this, even though it can be devastating- I just want to get better and live a normal life. This is positive because I still have hope. Heres to a good week ahead!

 

I have always found that blogging is incredibly therapeutic when I go through difficult patches with my health.

Last night, before bed, I tried a 10 minute meditation on the Headspace App. They give you a free 10 day meditation programme and I thought that I have nothing to lose by trying it.
It was so relaxing and helpful, encouraging deep breathing and self and bodily awareness, so I will do another one tonight and see how it goes.

The other day my sister described me as ‘high achieving’. What does this mean? Well, even despite my mental health difficulties I try my hardest to live a meaningful and fulfilling life and I always want to be successful in my career and life. So, even the day after I resigned from my job, I have been looking online to see what is out there. I need something less demanding and I also need some space to learn to manage my anxiety symptoms but I know I will get there, it will just take me time to find what works for me.

Had times today when I felt quite down but been picking myself up. Hopefully, I will move forward again and into a better place. Am going to stay with my Dad next week so I am sure that will help to have a change of scenery.

‘The Only thing constant in the world is change’.- India Arie.

As readers of my blog will know, I suffer from long term bipolar disorder- and part of that is anxiety and depression. Even though I have had this for over a decade, I am still learning how best to manage the symptoms.

I have been reading Susan Calmans book entitled ‘Cheer up Love: Depression, Adventures with the Crab of Hate’. She is a comedian who has suffered from long term depression and has named her depression and when it takes hold- the Crab of Hate. Now, in my mind, my depression is a bit like a rainy cloud- and I envisage it as a little old lady knitting on top of a rainy cloud (spinning thoughts and ideas). It helps sometimes to personify the illness.

This morning I am doing OK and actually feeling some relief. I loved where I was working, my colleagues and the kids, but the pressure and expectation on me was a lot and it was triggering my panic I think. Its such a shame but hopefully I can and will move forward.

I have decided to download the Headspace meditation app and try the free trial to see if that can help me through simplifying thoughts and breathing deeper, to calm my mind.

I love writing and will continue writing my blog.