I am once again in limbo in terms of my health and career. Thank g-d, I am not severely depressed but I do at times have heightened anxiety and panic attacks, which disrupted me getting back to work again, and I had to quit after only 2 months. I really did not want to leave my job but felt that I almost had no choice because at times I couldn’t get in to work.

This week, I am going to stay at my dad up in Leicester. I need time to think and regroup about things and move forward again.

I have found the meditation app to be really helpful. I also want to try hypnotherapy for my social anxiety/ panic attacks as it really helped my Dad. I just want them to go so I can hold down work again. I have tried a lot of different techniques with them and so I think it may be time to try something new.

I am feeling grateful that I am able to cope with this, even though it can be devastating- I just want to get better and live a normal life. This is positive because I still have hope. Heres to a good week ahead!

 

I have always found that blogging is incredibly therapeutic when I go through difficult patches with my health.

Last night, before bed, I tried a 10 minute meditation on the Headspace App. They give you a free 10 day meditation programme and I thought that I have nothing to lose by trying it.
It was so relaxing and helpful, encouraging deep breathing and self and bodily awareness, so I will do another one tonight and see how it goes.

The other day my sister described me as ‘high achieving’. What does this mean? Well, even despite my mental health difficulties I try my hardest to live a meaningful and fulfilling life and I always want to be successful in my career and life. So, even the day after I resigned from my job, I have been looking online to see what is out there. I need something less demanding and I also need some space to learn to manage my anxiety symptoms but I know I will get there, it will just take me time to find what works for me.

Had times today when I felt quite down but been picking myself up. Hopefully, I will move forward again and into a better place. Am going to stay with my Dad next week so I am sure that will help to have a change of scenery.

‘The Only thing constant in the world is change’.- India Arie.

As readers of my blog will know, I suffer from long term bipolar disorder- and part of that is anxiety and depression. Even though I have had this for over a decade, I am still learning how best to manage the symptoms.

I have been reading Susan Calmans book entitled ‘Cheer up Love: Depression, Adventures with the Crab of Hate’. She is a comedian who has suffered from long term depression and has named her depression and when it takes hold- the Crab of Hate. Now, in my mind, my depression is a bit like a rainy cloud- and I envisage it as a little old lady knitting on top of a rainy cloud (spinning thoughts and ideas). It helps sometimes to personify the illness.

This morning I am doing OK and actually feeling some relief. I loved where I was working, my colleagues and the kids, but the pressure and expectation on me was a lot and it was triggering my panic I think. Its such a shame but hopefully I can and will move forward.

I have decided to download the Headspace meditation app and try the free trial to see if that can help me through simplifying thoughts and breathing deeper, to calm my mind.

I love writing and will continue writing my blog.

I have had a fairly good two weeks. After the week of panic attacks, I went in every day for 5 days and had a lot of fun with the boys. Then, we hosted sheva brachot (a celebratory meal in the week after a wedding) for my cousin and his new wife. I also went to JW3, the Jewish community centre, with my sister and cousins to hear the chef Yotam Ottlenghi speak. Was brilliant.

So as you can see, I was able to do a lot and socialise and see family and friends.

But with my illness- I truly cannot have it all. Today I found myself having to resign from work due to anxiety/stress/ depression. Again.

I was working with two vulnerable children and they were so sweet. But I just couldnt go in and be there every day as my anxiety got worse and worse.

So now I have had to resign and be signed off from work again and claim ESA once more.

My priority is my health now and getting myself well.

With Hashems help, hopefully I can move forward into a better place health wise.

Im exhausted. But hopefully I can get better again and learn to manage my symptoms more effectively.

Please G-d I will stay strong. Im sad but it had to be done.

Thankfully, the panic attacks about work have been kept at bay as I was able to go and socialise all weekend for my cousins wedding! I am so proud of myself for that alone and for being able to go into work again this week.

I am so tired though. Longer update soon.

Where do I begin?

As always, with my bipolar, when I think I am doing fine and coping OK, when I don’t feel fragile and I start to gain inner strength, I tend to have disruptive ‘blips’. These blips are often in the form of anxious thoughts and emotions, leading to morning anxiety and panic attacks.

This week, I have not been able to go into my work place as I wake up in flight or fight mode. This means that I wake up and think the day will be OK and manageable, then as I begin to wake up, the adrenaline and cortisol wakes up. All I then want to do is run away, avoid the situation because it feels so threatening and scary.

Now, I know this is irrational. I love my job and my work, I love the kids and I love my colleagues. However what has happened is I was out of routine due to the school holidays and meaning there was a gap for the anxious thoughts to be woken up and pour in.

Usually, the night  before I will lie in bed feeling anxious and trying to distract myself by listening to the radio, reading books etc and journalling if the thoughts are too strong. However, I wake up in the morning and panic. I don’t know at the minute if it is social anxiety about having to go out in the world and work- or if its a change in routine or other insecurities or factors.

Yesterday I saw my wonderful counsellor who gave me a pep talk and some advice regarding my anxiety. Hopefully I will master it and keep going instead of avoiding and running away.

I feel that with this blog, I need to be really honest with how I am doing. The past week has not been the best for me, with an increase in my anxiety. I had a panic attack this morning as was meant to go back to work after a holiday. I love my job but I spent the night before tossing and turning with increased anxious thoughts, about the change of routine.

The sun is shining today and I am doing things to keep calm and hopefully heal and nurture my soul.

I have been reading ‘A Year of Yes’ by Shonda Rhimes (creator of Greys Anatomy), as well as re reading ‘Eat Pray Love’ by Elizabeth Gilbert.. one of my favourite books. I also find that breathing slowly, listening to music and colouring all help too.

I am annoyed at myself for getting anxious but please g-d, things will start to improve again. I must remain positive because lovely events are coming- my cousins wedding is this weekend coming!

For some reason, when I am out of routine- there is a change in my home or work life, I get more negative thoughts and start feeling more emotional than normal. I also begin to lack energy.

We are about to conclude Passover with rest, prayer and festive meals over the next few days.

It is always hard when routine changes, including diet. I am missing pasta!

I am monitoring my energy levels and speaking with my counsellor next week. Hope to have a lovely weekend. I am not depressed at the moment but certainly have depressive thinking. Trying to conquer it, distract myself and stay strong.

This past week and a half has been very hectic as I was at work every day (5 days part time) and I dealt with it really well. I am loving what I am doing which really helps me able to maintain consistency and I know the children need me.

We have now broken up for the Passover holidays and the children played games on their last day which was fun. I am really pleased I have been able to be at work and not get anxiety attacks. Yesterday, I went on a course about emotional literacy for children with autism. It was an intensive 6 hour training course on autistic child development and strategies we can implement in the classroom. I met some nice people and I didn’t panic- result!

I also went to the hair dresser to get my hair cut and coloured before Passover and today after my Passover cleaning (bedroom must be completely cleaned free from any food and wheat products), I am going to have a pampering afternoon with my best friend. I never get my nails done or have massages and both of us really need it! She is a Dr and often on night shifts……:) So looking forward!

As well as all that, this week I had to meet with a Dr from occupational health for work, to discuss my bipolar and anxiety. My mum came with to support me and even though I hate talking about it, it wasn’t so bad because I had had an interview in my last role and they had my information.

I also went to meet my friends new baby boy Jackson last week. He is gorgeous !

So achieved a lot this week so far. This weekend we have family and friends to us to celebrate Passover (Pesach in hebrew). We have the Pesach seder where we re tell the story of the Exodus and there is frantic cooking and cleaning as all crockery and cutlery must be changed over for Passover. We can’t have any ‘chametz’ (wheat products) in the house and can only have special Pesach food.

My anxiety is easing at the minute which is fab however, it will come back at some point but for now life is good and the sun is shining.

This week has been really good for me in terms of work consistency. I feel comfortable and settled and have been in to work every day. I know where to ask for support when I need it as well, which is wonderful.

However, in the past I have had a lot of days off due to stress at work impacting and increasing my anxiety. This means I wake  up in the morning and don’t go in as something has thrown me- whether a person or difficult work environment. Tiredness can also be a big problem as it can make me feel overwhelmed. However, in this post as I am working part time with two boys with high functioning autism, I realise how much they need me to be in, to be consistent and  I am actually enjoying what I am doing and really like the school.

It is not easy to maintain work consistency when you are bipolar. My medicines stopped working when I was about 22/23 leading to many episodes of depression and then mania, when I was hospitalised two years ago and subsequently stabilised. This meant a year and a half off of work and claiming benefits- Employment Support Allowance.

I am so thankful I am fit to work and that my mood stabilising medications enable me to live a normal fulfilling life. No one knows when my next episode will be, but the medication, therapy and family support I have make such a big difference that I am praying it will be less severe over time.

Looking forward to a happy and restful weekend!