As always, life seems to swirl past in a riotous amount of colour and equal chaos. Sometimes, I am feeling good and able to conquer the anxiety demons and sometimes, i have to succumb and find myself trying to sleep away the sensations of fear.

I had a very positive weekend and week on the whole. I am managing at work and on Saturday (Jewish Sabbath-shabbat) I went out to family friends for a yum lunch and caught up with a good friend afterwards in the afternoon. Yet, sunday morning I woke up and everything felt too much.

I often get like this when I do a lot, I will have a day after where my heart beats fast and I get butterflies in my tummy and want to hide away. I am so trying to deal with this but it feels like anxiety coexists with me waiting to strike when I am tired or stressed. Its also mainly socially based- and I hope one day I will be able to deal with it a bit better.

I feel terrible if i have to cancel social plans because of it. Yet, I must praise myself too for having many good days this week.

About to go to work now, its Monday morning, and I am hoping this week will be good too.

Its so hard to judge when you have anxiety in the background but I won’t let it beat me.

Last week I went to see Giselle with my auntie which was so lovely. It is a beautiful ballet about love and loss. We saw it on a live stream at an Everyman cinema and it was wonderful.

Life with an anxiety disorder often means that irony comes into play. One minute, you are doing fantastically, able to meet lifes challenges and also its mundanity. Then, the next day you are plunged back into anxiety. That is what has occurred over the past two days.

I had planned to write a really positive upbeat post yesterday about how my life had turned around. This is what I had written in my notebook to write (and then I will compare that to today!).:

Monday April 4th: ‘Look how far you’ve come’ 

‘This morning I was walking around the house, about to leave for work, when I looked around and saw I was by myself in the house and wasn’t having a major panic attack about going to work. This is progress.

Only a year and a half/ two years ago, I had come out of hospital after an inpatient stay and was too frightened too even sit still. I could only focus on colouring in a picture as the change in environment and hospital stay had left me traumatised. I experienced things like rapid heart beat, inability to focus or sit still. I was really ill but did get better.

Today I feel anxious. Maybe because its Monday and I am tired and getting to work is a process where I am constantly around or sitting next to people. I get slightly claustrophobic/ socially anxious at times.

I am now in the safe,welcoming confines of the coffee house near work, with its exposed brick, art on the walls, cosy chairs and lovely bolthole atmosphere.Work calls!’

After this, I walked to work and I was fine, I still didn’t really want to be out the house and doing, but I did it and was fine even though I did feel very exhausted by the end of the day. I find that I can’t do everything at the moment and have to pace myself- as getting to work by public transport, work itself and then trying to do domestic chores on top is really hard for me right now. Hopefully it will get easier.

So last night I got in my pyjamas early and chilled out- but I was surrounded by mountains of washing and feeling so tired and overwhelmed. I set my alarm for work, listened to LBC on the radio and went to sleep. Yet, when I woke up- I felt panicky and stressed. Stressed more than anything. I longed for a day of sleep. I didn’t feel like I could go in and had a mini panic attack- as mentioned I often get morning anxiety.  I feel guilty as I am needed at work but I also needed a day to just be.

As I said, a tale of two days!

I havn’t written in a while as it has been an extremely busy week!

The Jewish Festival of Purim was here on Thursday and I dressed up as  Snow White and had meals with friends and family.

Over Shabbat (Saturday), I stayed in Bushey for my Grandpas 90th Birthday shabbat, celebrating with my family. It was lovely.

I am doing OK, though due to the tiredness became a bit less able to cope, in terms of my social anxiety. I had done a lot and the thought of doing more was overwhelming so I have been resting over the past 2 days.

Back at work tomorrow and have a cold (delightful) however I am sure I will have a good week.

Longer update soon!

 

I started my new job at the end of last week. It looks like it will be challenging but rewarding and everyone was really friendly and helpful. However, it is a little daunting and this morning I am a little bit nervous so I thought I would come here and blog.

There have also been a few issues dominating my life lately. One of which is weight gain on the medications I am on. In the past few years I have put on 3 stone- this was largely due to cravings caused by the meds, comfort eating and just not eating sensibly. I have never had to go on a proper diet and exercise regime (last time this happened I was 16 and the weight just fell off me…oh, teenage metabolism).. but now it is becoming evident that I will need to. This is not just for vanity, I don’t want to be at risk of diabetes (which runs in my family) or heart disease or any other physical illnesses associated to weight gain. I am tall so I can half hide it but I need to really get on a good, healthy nutrition plan. My problem: I love pasta, cheese, orange juice and chocolate. Aka- all the things I shouldn’t eat (or eat in moderation).

I have accepted that weight gain is a part of being on Lithium and anti psychotics/ anti depressants in general but it doesn’t make it easy. Luckily, I have people to talk to about what to do and now I must make meal plans and really stick to it.

I have been feeling thankful for everything recently. Yes sometimes weight related issues or comments make me feel depressed and trigger depressive thinking, but I am able to work through it. My new job is very helpful as well in terms of keeping me busy and doing something I love doing.

So its not all bad…!

Today is my best friends birthday so going to celebrate with her after work. Should be lovely to see new and old faces.

I am blogging today as I type I can feel the adrenaline pouring through my veins! Im very anxious, anticipatory anxiety as I start my new job role tomorrow. As exciting as this is, it also is flooding me with anxious thoughts and emotions and not to the mention the adrenaline making me want to run away.

However, I must rationalise this and work with it- I am used to feeling this nervous and I just have to ride it out. Ahh, not easy but hey!

I was meant to go to the theatre today with a lovely friend of mine but cancelled as was feeling so nervous. She is extremely understanding but it is not fun having panic attacks, however minor.

I feel very on edge but I am going to read and be quiet and distract my mind. I will prepare my outfit for tomorrow and everything I need, documents etc and I hope everyone will be kind. I find new environments and change quite challenging. So I hope that people are friendly and I am only staying for the morning tomorrow anyway.

I am going to keep up with the deep breathing and relaxation today, as well as having a warm bath and preparing my bag. I want to have a proper winding down session for sleep.

Speaking to my counsellor today helped a great deal. She is a big source of courage and hope and inspiration to me and I sincerely hope that I can make her and my family proud of me.

I can do this, I just have to pace myself and remember nothing bad will happen. Life with anxiety eh?

Today I found out that instead of starting work in two weeks, I start at the end of this week! This is exciting if a little nerve wracking. However, my colleagues so far seem very kind and I think will be extremely supportive of me.

I had a lovely weekend and was able to socialise and go out for lunch with my family, as well as see my best friends.

I am also now fundraising for Jami (Jewish Association of Mental Illness) by selling my old books which makes me feel very positive and excited-I hope I am able to make an impact!

Thank god at the moment, my main mood stabiliser, Lithium carbonate, is holding me really well and my moods are stable, no longer fluctuating between depression or mania. I am so grateful as my illness can be very acute when  my medicines don’t work.

Today I am looking to the future and starting in my new job role, seeing friends, planning holidays and looking forward to festivals coming up. Purim is around the corner and I am so excited for it.

In this blog, so far, I have spoken mainly about my anxiety disorder. Why is this so? I have always been encouraged to keep quiet about my main mental health condition for fear of stigma, judgement etc. However, I am open about it to close friends and family.

I was diagnosed with bipolar affective disorder (formerly manic depression) when I was just 16 years old. This was diagnosed after a period of both depression and hypomania (a lower level manic episode characterised by a ridiculous amount of energy, disnhibition etc) spanning over a year. I was then hospitalised later that year in Christmas 2004 and spent several months on an adolescent psychiatric unit in London, while they put me on mood stabilising medication and got me well through individual talking and group therapies (including art, PE etc).

I met some amazing people in hospital that time. We were all just teenagers suffering from a wide variety of mental health issues including schizophrenia, bipolar, psychosis (some drug induced), eating disorders, self harm etc. I didnt keep in contact with the people I was in hospital with but I hope they are all well and I sometimes do think of them.

I was supported by a wonderful psychiatrist who managed to stabilised my depression  and psychosis, and I also had a team of nurses and therapists around me who would cheer me up, make me laugh and one even helped me put on my make up one day. They really were my angels.

Mum came to visit me every day. It must have been so traumatising for her to see her little girl so poorly. But thank g-d, after 4 months of being in hospital and slowly getting better I came home and it would be another ten years later that I would find myself in hospital again.

My illness is largely believed to be genetic as it runs in my family. Therefore for ten years I have taken constant mood stabilising medication and anti depressants to keep the chemical symptoms at bay. My hospitalisation last year was the culmination of my body changing as I became a woman and the medication (mood stabiliser) not working. I am now on the right medication.

Both times I have been ill, I have had people in my life who I call ‘angels’ because they have prayed for me, visited me in hospital when I have been at my worst, lit shabbat candles for me, put my name in the Western Wall in Jerusalem, sent me cards and flowers and letters, all of which I have kept. When I was 16, my school year even came together to present me with two homemade cards. I was so grateful and have them in my bedroom in the wardrobe to this day.

Bipolar affective disorder has two types. I am Bipolar One- meaning I can have more acute episodes of full blown mania and psychosis. Psychosis (delusional beliefs) is very scary but it can be treated by certain wonderful medications and I am happy to say it doesn’t affect me when I am on the right meds.

I will have this condition for the rest of my life. I know how best to manage it but there are still hard times. Either way, I will continue explaining it to people who ask… so that people can understand you can live a full and fulfilling life with this illness.

I will write more another time on my Bipolar. Thank you for reading and for the support.

I can now confirm that I was offered the job I went for and will be starting at the end of the month :)!. It was such an overwhelming feeling on Tuesday when I heard a few hours after the interview- shock, happiness, overwhelmed, stressed (in a good way). I had just been through such a tough experience that to be offered a job that suited me in another school made me feel over the moon and i am so so grateful!

I have to say, I did cry when I heard the news- happy tears and hoping it is the right place for me.

I am feeling so inspired today by my friend, Jonny Benjamin, who is a mental health campaigner and wonderful human being. I have known Jonny since we were teenagers (before either of us knew about each others mental health issues). To see him campaign and break down stigma that even today I feel, is the most inspiring part of all.  He gives a voice to those of us who feel we can’t openly speak about it. However, the more we who go through severe mental illness, talk about it, about the fact you can get better, about the fact you can live a fulfilling life….the quicker stigma may fall.

Additionally, I am extremely lucky to have an incredible support network in my family and friends. I also have support from a wonderful care coordinator (who trained as a psychiatric nurse)- she talks to me about anything I am concerned about and we have a really good rapport. My psychiatrist is also very calming and helpful.

I will be writing more posts about what it is like to live with mental ill health. Lots of love x

Today has felt like a total rollercoaster and sequence of events.  I had a job interview and so was up at 6am to get up, prepare and leave the house to go to Starbucks. I handwrote some of the following before my interview, I decided to include it to give you an insight into the mind of someone with anticipatory anxiety.

7.41am Starbucks

This morning I woke up and didn’t panic but was able to get out the house early thanks to feeling the fear and doing it anyway as well as the support of my family and friends. I was determined not to give up this opportunity to go for the job I wanted, whether I got it or not.

I am now sitting in Starbucks preparing, people watching and watching the world go by. I have my drink, my pen and a warm place to watch the world.

There has been a lot of change and upheaval in my life of late. My confidence has been knocked. Either way, now is the time to nurture myself, try and build a career again  and most importantly build that confidence back! I have been through a lot in the past few years….so much that in times of stress my anxiety gets worse.

So what has helped me manage my panic? Often my therapist has said to me if I want something to happen,more than the panic, if something is really truly important to me then I will find a way to do it. So far this morning my body has not yet had the anxiety instinctive fight or flight response. Yet I have butterflies and want it to go well

10.20am Coffee house near prospective employer

I am now in my second coffee house of the day….but not drinking coffee as the caffeine makes my nerves worse. It is a quirky, artsy independent shop..a good bolt hole. So how am I feeling?

My interview is soon at a school. I am alright but have slightly heightened anxiety and am feeling hot and sweaty. I have prepared as much as I can and now I shall feel the fear but do it despite the fear. And breathe….

Result! I went with the nerves and the interviewers put me at great ease. I felt relaxed there. I answered all their questions and they told me that they would call me later that day.

And I can very happily report that they called and it was positive news! So happy and will write more once all is finalised.

I am now very very tired though! Hi to any new readers…do give me your thoughts.

I have decided to keep posting in the hope that one day this will become a tool to help other people through what I go through on a regular basis. It is also so therapeutic to write and who knows maybe this will help someone somewhere one day!

So- at the end of last week I was unable to attend my job interview. I had felt panicked and stressed and sweaty, with constant anxious thoughts and was tired from lack of sleep. However, I was able to contact them and let them know I would reschedule which I have for tomorrow morning. This is what I shall name ‘the anxiety low‘. Aka- I gave in to it and wasn’t able to push through it.

Of course, this then dented my confidence and meant I cancelled an arrangement with a friend for lunch the following day. Yet, the most surprising part of my  weekend was that I felt able to go out to a comedy gig with my siblings and I didn’t panic or feel overly anxious. Then the following day, despite having anticipatory anxiety beforehand, I was able with the help of friends to go to a close friends baby shower party. Which was so much fun and I didn’t have any form of panic attack!  (The anxiety win/high).

It was so lovely just to be around friends and smiling and enjoying myself, and celebrating something so wonderful. So going out both days without panicking has given me a confidence boost which I hope and pray will help me get through my interview and eventually go on that date I cancelled. But one thing at a time.

Having an ‘anxiety win’ is sometimes the best thing of all 🙂 – especially when you have had a horrible time. My real test will be tomorrow. Fingers crossed it will go alright!