Yesterday I felt super flat, low in mood  and exhausted. I literally could barely do anything, had only slept 4 hours and needed a day to recover. It was then that I discovered I had taken the wrong tablets by mistake (morning instead of evening tablets)- which meant my med dosages were low. Hence, the mood shift as my body adjusted. It is crazy how the medication can effect you…..for me, it is a life line but yesterday was a wake up call.

Today I have felt much better and completed a job application which I am so pleased about. I am planning the future and trying to remain hopeful.

All is not lost 🙂

This week I have been job applying to admin roles that don’t seem as stressful. I have a lead for a job so seeing where that leads for now. Possibly also may do some blogging, social media and admin work for family members, while I have the time.

I must think of the positives. I am not depressed, I am trying and I will find the right job again in due time. Like the title says, resilience!

I had a lovely day yesterday playing with my friend and her kids in the park and then seeing Me Before You at the cinema (romantic weepy.. controversial as about euthanasia). It was fun and I am lucky to have time to do that- to spend quality time with friends and family. So that’s one big positive.

Writing here is so therapeutic for me so will keep writing and sharing my heart.And counting my blessings.

I have been reading Elizabeth Gilberts book ‘ Big Magic: Creative Living Beyond Fear‘. I came across a quote of hers about fear, that sums up how I am feeling at the moment.

I have also been trying to use the DARE method to stop my panic attacks, its a method where you accept and welcome the anxiety, rather than fighting it. Still learning how to implement it and it takes a lot of brain and will power to keep going with the ‘anxiety gremlins’ as I call them. Hopefully this will help me long term.

Here is the quote from Elizabeth Gilbert:

‘For the entirety of my young and skittish life, I had fixated upon my fear as if it were the most interesting thing about me, when actually it was the most mundane. In fact my fear was probably the only 100 percent mundane thing about me. I had creativity within me that was original, I had a personality that was original, I had dreams and perspectives and aspirations within me that were original. But my fear was not original in the least. My fear wasn’t some kind of rare artisanal object, it was just a mass-produced item, available on the shelves of any geoneric box store.

And that’s the thing I wanted to build my entire identity around?

The most boring instinct I possessed?

The panic reflex of my dumbest inner tadpole?

No.’ (p21, Big Magic, Creative Living without Fear, Gilbert)   

I had it all mapped out. I had a part time job that would have lasted a year and would have given me enough money to train as a primary teacher. I had a plan to apply for teacher training in September. My dream was and is to become an early years/ Reception teacher and then specialise in children with special educational needs as a SENCO in a school. This is still exactly what I want but my confidence has been shaken.

It seems that my temperament is not so well suited for the stress of teaching. Yet, I love working with children and other than writing/ blogging, I literally can’t see myself doing anything else.

I trained in drama and applied theatre and i love the creativity drama brings. However, I don’t want to teach drama in a secondary school yet- I don’t feel ready and I prefer working with younger age groups.

I genuinely feel well and truly lost. However, this is a beautiful thing. I have time to dream and think and plan and get myself well so I can achieve my dream of being a happy and confident Reception teacher- nurturing children and helping them learn and grow , but most importantly a happy and confident person. I am going to love life again in all its glory.

I will not let anxiety or depression define who I am. Yes, I do face more challenges than most but I will achieve and I will get better. This is the beauty of being lost.

I had a really restful and good time away at my Dads in Leicestershire, it was peaceful and we went to this amazing 1940s war time cafe (like a mini museum that served tea and cake) and to Bradgate Park, a historical park with beautiful rivers and ruins.

I am now back in London and evaluating my life- how to move forward and what to do next.

It really isn’t easy but I will get there I hope. I just want to feel well and back at work.

x

This week I have taken the week just to have time off and get perspective on everything that has happened.

I have been staying at my Dads house in Leicester and at my Aunts house, cuddling her very cute pet kittens, reading and seeing my cousins.

It has been a much needed few days of holiday. I just need time to be and think what to do next in my career and for my health.

It is so important to have that support network, I am blessed with a kind and supportive family.

x

I am once again in limbo in terms of my health and career. Thank g-d, I am not severely depressed but I do at times have heightened anxiety and panic attacks, which disrupted me getting back to work again, and I had to quit after only 2 months. I really did not want to leave my job but felt that I almost had no choice because at times I couldn’t get in to work.

This week, I am going to stay at my dad up in Leicester. I need time to think and regroup about things and move forward again.

I have found the meditation app to be really helpful. I also want to try hypnotherapy for my social anxiety/ panic attacks as it really helped my Dad. I just want them to go so I can hold down work again. I have tried a lot of different techniques with them and so I think it may be time to try something new.

I am feeling grateful that I am able to cope with this, even though it can be devastating- I just want to get better and live a normal life. This is positive because I still have hope. Heres to a good week ahead!

I have always found that blogging is incredibly therapeutic when I go through difficult patches with my health.

Last night, before bed, I tried a 10 minute meditation on the Headspace App. They give you a free 10 day meditation programme and I thought that I have nothing to lose by trying it.
It was so relaxing and helpful, encouraging deep breathing and self and bodily awareness, so I will do another one tonight and see how it goes.

The other day my sister described me as ‘high achieving’. What does this mean? Well, even despite my mental health difficulties I try my hardest to live a meaningful and fulfilling life and I always want to be successful in my career and life. So, even the day after I resigned from my job, I have been looking online to see what is out there. I need something less demanding and I also need some space to learn to manage my anxiety symptoms but I know I will get there, it will just take me time to find what works for me.

Had times today when I felt quite down but been picking myself up. Hopefully, I will move forward again and into a better place. Am going to stay with my Dad next week so I am sure that will help to have a change of scenery.

‘The Only thing constant in the world is change’.- India Arie.

As readers of my blog will know, I suffer from long term bipolar disorder- and part of that is anxiety and depression. Even though I have had this for over a decade, I am still learning how best to manage the symptoms.

I have been reading Susan Calmans book entitled ‘Cheer up Love: Depression, Adventures with the Crab of Hate’. She is a comedian who has suffered from long term depression and has named her depression and when it takes hold- the Crab of Hate. Now, in my mind, my depression is a bit like a rainy cloud- and I envisage it as a little old lady knitting on top of a rainy cloud (spinning thoughts and ideas). It helps sometimes to personify the illness.

This morning I am doing OK and actually feeling some relief. I loved where I was working, my colleagues and the kids, but the pressure and expectation on me was a lot and it was triggering my panic I think. Its such a shame but hopefully I can and will move forward.

I have decided to download the Headspace meditation app and try the free trial to see if that can help me through simplifying thoughts and breathing deeper, to calm my mind.

I love writing and will continue writing my blog.

I have had a fairly good two weeks. After the week of panic attacks, I went in every day for 5 days and had a lot of fun with the boys. Then, we hosted sheva brachot (a celebratory meal in the week after a wedding) for my cousin and his new wife. I also went to JW3, the Jewish community centre, with my sister and cousins to hear the chef Yotam Ottlenghi speak. Was brilliant.

So as you can see, I was able to do a lot and socialise and see family and friends.

But with my illness- I truly cannot have it all. Today I found myself having to resign from work due to anxiety/stress/ depression. Again.

I was working with two vulnerable children and they were so sweet. But I just couldnt go in and be there every day as my anxiety got worse and worse.

So now I have had to resign and be signed off from work again and claim ESA once more.

My priority is my health now and getting myself well.

With Hashems help, hopefully I can move forward into a better place health wise.

Im exhausted. But hopefully I can get better again and learn to manage my symptoms more effectively.

Please G-d I will stay strong. Im sad but it had to be done.