This past week and a half has been very hectic as I was at work every day (5 days part time) and I dealt with it really well. I am loving what I am doing which really helps me able to maintain consistency and I know the children need me.

We have now broken up for the Passover holidays and the children played games on their last day which was fun. I am really pleased I have been able to be at work and not get anxiety attacks. Yesterday, I went on a course about emotional literacy for children with autism. It was an intensive 6 hour training course on autistic child development and strategies we can implement in the classroom. I met some nice people and I didn’t panic- result!

I also went to the hair dresser to get my hair cut and coloured before Passover and today after my Passover cleaning (bedroom must be completely cleaned free from any food and wheat products), I am going to have a pampering afternoon with my best friend. I never get my nails done or have massages and both of us really need it! She is a Dr and often on night shifts……:) So looking forward!

As well as all that, this week I had to meet with a Dr from occupational health for work, to discuss my bipolar and anxiety. My mum came with to support me and even though I hate talking about it, it wasn’t so bad because I had had an interview in my last role and they had my information.

I also went to meet my friends new baby boy Jackson last week. He is gorgeous !

So achieved a lot this week so far. This weekend we have family and friends to us to celebrate Passover (Pesach in hebrew). We have the Pesach seder where we re tell the story of the Exodus and there is frantic cooking and cleaning as all crockery and cutlery must be changed over for Passover. We can’t have any ‘chametz’ (wheat products) in the house and can only have special Pesach food.

My anxiety is easing at the minute which is fab however, it will come back at some point but for now life is good and the sun is shining.

This week has been really good for me in terms of work consistency. I feel comfortable and settled and have been in to work every day. I know where to ask for support when I need it as well, which is wonderful.

However, in the past I have had a lot of days off due to stress at work impacting and increasing my anxiety. This means I wake  up in the morning and don’t go in as something has thrown me- whether a person or difficult work environment. Tiredness can also be a big problem as it can make me feel overwhelmed. However, in this post as I am working part time with two boys with high functioning autism, I realise how much they need me to be in, to be consistent and  I am actually enjoying what I am doing and really like the school.

It is not easy to maintain work consistency when you are bipolar. My medicines stopped working when I was about 22/23 leading to many episodes of depression and then mania, when I was hospitalised two years ago and subsequently stabilised. This meant a year and a half off of work and claiming benefits- Employment Support Allowance.

I am so thankful I am fit to work and that my mood stabilising medications enable me to live a normal fulfilling life. No one knows when my next episode will be, but the medication, therapy and family support I have make such a big difference that I am praying it will be less severe over time.

Looking forward to a happy and restful weekend!

As always, life seems to swirl past in a riotous amount of colour and equal chaos. Sometimes, I am feeling good and able to conquer the anxiety demons and sometimes, i have to succumb and find myself trying to sleep away the sensations of fear.

I had a very positive weekend and week on the whole. I am managing at work and on Saturday (Jewish Sabbath-shabbat) I went out to family friends for a yum lunch and caught up with a good friend afterwards in the afternoon. Yet, sunday morning I woke up and everything felt too much.

I often get like this when I do a lot, I will have a day after where my heart beats fast and I get butterflies in my tummy and want to hide away. I am so trying to deal with this but it feels like anxiety coexists with me waiting to strike when I am tired or stressed. Its also mainly socially based- and I hope one day I will be able to deal with it a bit better.

I feel terrible if i have to cancel social plans because of it. Yet, I must praise myself too for having many good days this week.

About to go to work now, its Monday morning, and I am hoping this week will be good too.

Its so hard to judge when you have anxiety in the background but I won’t let it beat me.

Last week I went to see Giselle with my auntie which was so lovely. It is a beautiful ballet about love and loss. We saw it on a live stream at an Everyman cinema and it was wonderful.

Life with an anxiety disorder often means that irony comes into play. One minute, you are doing fantastically, able to meet lifes challenges and also its mundanity. Then, the next day you are plunged back into anxiety. That is what has occurred over the past two days.

I had planned to write a really positive upbeat post yesterday about how my life had turned around. This is what I had written in my notebook to write (and then I will compare that to today!).:

Monday April 4th: ‘Look how far you’ve come’ 

‘This morning I was walking around the house, about to leave for work, when I looked around and saw I was by myself in the house and wasn’t having a major panic attack about going to work. This is progress.

Only a year and a half/ two years ago, I had come out of hospital after an inpatient stay and was too frightened too even sit still. I could only focus on colouring in a picture as the change in environment and hospital stay had left me traumatised. I experienced things like rapid heart beat, inability to focus or sit still. I was really ill but did get better.

Today I feel anxious. Maybe because its Monday and I am tired and getting to work is a process where I am constantly around or sitting next to people. I get slightly claustrophobic/ socially anxious at times.

I am now in the safe,welcoming confines of the coffee house near work, with its exposed brick, art on the walls, cosy chairs and lovely bolthole atmosphere.Work calls!’

After this, I walked to work and I was fine, I still didn’t really want to be out the house and doing, but I did it and was fine even though I did feel very exhausted by the end of the day. I find that I can’t do everything at the moment and have to pace myself- as getting to work by public transport, work itself and then trying to do domestic chores on top is really hard for me right now. Hopefully it will get easier.

So last night I got in my pyjamas early and chilled out- but I was surrounded by mountains of washing and feeling so tired and overwhelmed. I set my alarm for work, listened to LBC on the radio and went to sleep. Yet, when I woke up- I felt panicky and stressed. Stressed more than anything. I longed for a day of sleep. I didn’t feel like I could go in and had a mini panic attack- as mentioned I often get morning anxiety.  I feel guilty as I am needed at work but I also needed a day to just be.

As I said, a tale of two days!

I havn’t written in a while as it has been an extremely busy week!

The Jewish Festival of Purim was here on Thursday and I dressed up as  Snow White and had meals with friends and family.

Over Shabbat (Saturday), I stayed in Bushey for my Grandpas 90th Birthday shabbat, celebrating with my family. It was lovely.

I am doing OK, though due to the tiredness became a bit less able to cope, in terms of my social anxiety. I had done a lot and the thought of doing more was overwhelming so I have been resting over the past 2 days.

Back at work tomorrow and have a cold (delightful) however I am sure I will have a good week.

Longer update soon!

 

I started my new job at the end of last week. It looks like it will be challenging but rewarding and everyone was really friendly and helpful. However, it is a little daunting and this morning I am a little bit nervous so I thought I would come here and blog.

There have also been a few issues dominating my life lately. One of which is weight gain on the medications I am on. In the past few years I have put on 3 stone- this was largely due to cravings caused by the meds, comfort eating and just not eating sensibly. I have never had to go on a proper diet and exercise regime (last time this happened I was 16 and the weight just fell off me…oh, teenage metabolism).. but now it is becoming evident that I will need to. This is not just for vanity, I don’t want to be at risk of diabetes (which runs in my family) or heart disease or any other physical illnesses associated to weight gain. I am tall so I can half hide it but I need to really get on a good, healthy nutrition plan. My problem: I love pasta, cheese, orange juice and chocolate. Aka- all the things I shouldn’t eat (or eat in moderation).

I have accepted that weight gain is a part of being on Lithium and anti psychotics/ anti depressants in general but it doesn’t make it easy. Luckily, I have people to talk to about what to do and now I must make meal plans and really stick to it.

I have been feeling thankful for everything recently. Yes sometimes weight related issues or comments make me feel depressed and trigger depressive thinking, but I am able to work through it. My new job is very helpful as well in terms of keeping me busy and doing something I love doing.

So its not all bad…!

Today is my best friends birthday so going to celebrate with her after work. Should be lovely to see new and old faces.

I am blogging today as I type I can feel the adrenaline pouring through my veins! Im very anxious, anticipatory anxiety as I start my new job role tomorrow. As exciting as this is, it also is flooding me with anxious thoughts and emotions and not to the mention the adrenaline making me want to run away.

However, I must rationalise this and work with it- I am used to feeling this nervous and I just have to ride it out. Ahh, not easy but hey!

I was meant to go to the theatre today with a lovely friend of mine but cancelled as was feeling so nervous. She is extremely understanding but it is not fun having panic attacks, however minor.

I feel very on edge but I am going to read and be quiet and distract my mind. I will prepare my outfit for tomorrow and everything I need, documents etc and I hope everyone will be kind. I find new environments and change quite challenging. So I hope that people are friendly and I am only staying for the morning tomorrow anyway.

I am going to keep up with the deep breathing and relaxation today, as well as having a warm bath and preparing my bag. I want to have a proper winding down session for sleep.

Speaking to my counsellor today helped a great deal. She is a big source of courage and hope and inspiration to me and I sincerely hope that I can make her and my family proud of me.

I can do this, I just have to pace myself and remember nothing bad will happen. Life with anxiety eh?

Today I found out that instead of starting work in two weeks, I start at the end of this week! This is exciting if a little nerve wracking. However, my colleagues so far seem very kind and I think will be extremely supportive of me.

I had a lovely weekend and was able to socialise and go out for lunch with my family, as well as see my best friends.

I am also now fundraising for Jami (Jewish Association of Mental Illness) by selling my old books which makes me feel very positive and excited-I hope I am able to make an impact!

Thank god at the moment, my main mood stabiliser, Lithium carbonate, is holding me really well and my moods are stable, no longer fluctuating between depression or mania. I am so grateful as my illness can be very acute when  my medicines don’t work.

Today I am looking to the future and starting in my new job role, seeing friends, planning holidays and looking forward to festivals coming up. Purim is around the corner and I am so excited for it.

In this blog, so far, I have spoken mainly about my anxiety disorder. Why is this so? I have always been encouraged to keep quiet about my main mental health condition for fear of stigma, judgement etc. However, I am open about it to close friends and family.

I was diagnosed with bipolar affective disorder (formerly manic depression) when I was just 16 years old. This was diagnosed after a period of both depression and hypomania (a lower level manic episode characterised by a ridiculous amount of energy, disnhibition etc) spanning over a year. I was then hospitalised later that year in Christmas 2004 and spent several months on an adolescent psychiatric unit in London, while they put me on mood stabilising medication and got me well through individual talking and group therapies (including art, PE etc).

I met some amazing people in hospital that time. We were all just teenagers suffering from a wide variety of mental health issues including schizophrenia, bipolar, psychosis (some drug induced), eating disorders, self harm etc. I didnt keep in contact with the people I was in hospital with but I hope they are all well and I sometimes do think of them.

I was supported by a wonderful psychiatrist who managed to stabilised my depression  and psychosis, and I also had a team of nurses and therapists around me who would cheer me up, make me laugh and one even helped me put on my make up one day. They really were my angels.

Mum came to visit me every day. It must have been so traumatising for her to see her little girl so poorly. But thank g-d, after 4 months of being in hospital and slowly getting better I came home and it would be another ten years later that I would find myself in hospital again.

My illness is largely believed to be genetic as it runs in my family. Therefore for ten years I have taken constant mood stabilising medication and anti depressants to keep the chemical symptoms at bay. My hospitalisation last year was the culmination of my body changing as I became a woman and the medication (mood stabiliser) not working. I am now on the right medication.

Both times I have been ill, I have had people in my life who I call ‘angels’ because they have prayed for me, visited me in hospital when I have been at my worst, lit shabbat candles for me, put my name in the Western Wall in Jerusalem, sent me cards and flowers and letters, all of which I have kept. When I was 16, my school year even came together to present me with two homemade cards. I was so grateful and have them in my bedroom in the wardrobe to this day.

Bipolar affective disorder has two types. I am Bipolar One- meaning I can have more acute episodes of full blown mania and psychosis. Psychosis (delusional beliefs) is very scary but it can be treated by certain wonderful medications and I am happy to say it doesn’t affect me when I am on the right meds.

I will have this condition for the rest of my life. I know how best to manage it but there are still hard times. Either way, I will continue explaining it to people who ask… so that people can understand you can live a full and fulfilling life with this illness.

I will write more another time on my Bipolar. Thank you for reading and for the support.

I can now confirm that I was offered the job I went for and will be starting at the end of the month :)!. It was such an overwhelming feeling on Tuesday when I heard a few hours after the interview- shock, happiness, overwhelmed, stressed (in a good way). I had just been through such a tough experience that to be offered a job that suited me in another school made me feel over the moon and i am so so grateful!

I have to say, I did cry when I heard the news- happy tears and hoping it is the right place for me.

I am feeling so inspired today by my friend, Jonny Benjamin, who is a mental health campaigner and wonderful human being. I have known Jonny since we were teenagers (before either of us knew about each others mental health issues). To see him campaign and break down stigma that even today I feel, is the most inspiring part of all.  He gives a voice to those of us who feel we can’t openly speak about it. However, the more we who go through severe mental illness, talk about it, about the fact you can get better, about the fact you can live a fulfilling life….the quicker stigma may fall.

Additionally, I am extremely lucky to have an incredible support network in my family and friends. I also have support from a wonderful care coordinator (who trained as a psychiatric nurse)- she talks to me about anything I am concerned about and we have a really good rapport. My psychiatrist is also very calming and helpful.

I will be writing more posts about what it is like to live with mental ill health. Lots of love x