I have had a fairly good two weeks. After the week of panic attacks, I went in every day for 5 days and had a lot of fun with the boys. Then, we hosted sheva brachot (a celebratory meal in the week after a wedding) for my cousin and his new wife. I also went to JW3, the Jewish community centre, with my sister and cousins to hear the chef Yotam Ottlenghi speak. Was brilliant.

So as you can see, I was able to do a lot and socialise and see family and friends.

But with my illness- I truly cannot have it all. Today I found myself having to resign from work due to anxiety/stress/ depression. Again.

I was working with two vulnerable children and they were so sweet. But I just couldnt go in and be there every day as my anxiety got worse and worse.

So now I have had to resign and be signed off from work again and claim ESA once more.

My priority is my health now and getting myself well.

With Hashems help, hopefully I can move forward into a better place health wise.

Im exhausted. But hopefully I can get better again and learn to manage my symptoms more effectively.

Please G-d I will stay strong. Im sad but it had to be done.

Thankfully, the panic attacks about work have been kept at bay as I was able to go and socialise all weekend for my cousins wedding! I am so proud of myself for that alone and for being able to go into work again this week.

I am so tired though. Longer update soon.

Where do I begin?

As always, with my bipolar, when I think I am doing fine and coping OK, when I don’t feel fragile and I start to gain inner strength, I tend to have disruptive ‘blips’. These blips are often in the form of anxious thoughts and emotions, leading to morning anxiety and panic attacks.

This week, I have not been able to go into my work place as I wake up in flight or fight mode. This means that I wake up and think the day will be OK and manageable, then as I begin to wake up, the adrenaline and cortisol wakes up. All I then want to do is run away, avoid the situation because it feels so threatening and scary.

Now, I know this is irrational. I love my job and my work, I love the kids and I love my colleagues. However what has happened is I was out of routine due to the school holidays and meaning there was a gap for the anxious thoughts to be woken up and pour in.

Usually, the night  before I will lie in bed feeling anxious and trying to distract myself by listening to the radio, reading books etc and journalling if the thoughts are too strong. However, I wake up in the morning and panic. I don’t know at the minute if it is social anxiety about having to go out in the world and work- or if its a change in routine or other insecurities or factors.

Yesterday I saw my wonderful counsellor who gave me a pep talk and some advice regarding my anxiety. Hopefully I will master it and keep going instead of avoiding and running away.

I feel that with this blog, I need to be really honest with how I am doing. The past week has not been the best for me, with an increase in my anxiety. I had a panic attack this morning as was meant to go back to work after a holiday. I love my job but I spent the night before tossing and turning with increased anxious thoughts, about the change of routine.

The sun is shining today and I am doing things to keep calm and hopefully heal and nurture my soul.

I have been reading ‘A Year of Yes’ by Shonda Rhimes (creator of Greys Anatomy), as well as re reading ‘Eat Pray Love’ by Elizabeth Gilbert.. one of my favourite books. I also find that breathing slowly, listening to music and colouring all help too.

I am annoyed at myself for getting anxious but please g-d, things will start to improve again. I must remain positive because lovely events are coming- my cousins wedding is this weekend coming!

For some reason, when I am out of routine- there is a change in my home or work life, I get more negative thoughts and start feeling more emotional than normal. I also begin to lack energy.

We are about to conclude Passover with rest, prayer and festive meals over the next few days.

It is always hard when routine changes, including diet. I am missing pasta!

I am monitoring my energy levels and speaking with my counsellor next week. Hope to have a lovely weekend. I am not depressed at the moment but certainly have depressive thinking. Trying to conquer it, distract myself and stay strong.

This past week and a half has been very hectic as I was at work every day (5 days part time) and I dealt with it really well. I am loving what I am doing which really helps me able to maintain consistency and I know the children need me.

We have now broken up for the Passover holidays and the children played games on their last day which was fun. I am really pleased I have been able to be at work and not get anxiety attacks. Yesterday, I went on a course about emotional literacy for children with autism. It was an intensive 6 hour training course on autistic child development and strategies we can implement in the classroom. I met some nice people and I didn’t panic- result!

I also went to the hair dresser to get my hair cut and coloured before Passover and today after my Passover cleaning (bedroom must be completely cleaned free from any food and wheat products), I am going to have a pampering afternoon with my best friend. I never get my nails done or have massages and both of us really need it! She is a Dr and often on night shifts……:) So looking forward!

As well as all that, this week I had to meet with a Dr from occupational health for work, to discuss my bipolar and anxiety. My mum came with to support me and even though I hate talking about it, it wasn’t so bad because I had had an interview in my last role and they had my information.

I also went to meet my friends new baby boy Jackson last week. He is gorgeous !

So achieved a lot this week so far. This weekend we have family and friends to us to celebrate Passover (Pesach in hebrew). We have the Pesach seder where we re tell the story of the Exodus and there is frantic cooking and cleaning as all crockery and cutlery must be changed over for Passover. We can’t have any ‘chametz’ (wheat products) in the house and can only have special Pesach food.

My anxiety is easing at the minute which is fab however, it will come back at some point but for now life is good and the sun is shining.

This week has been really good for me in terms of work consistency. I feel comfortable and settled and have been in to work every day. I know where to ask for support when I need it as well, which is wonderful.

However, in the past I have had a lot of days off due to stress at work impacting and increasing my anxiety. This means I wake  up in the morning and don’t go in as something has thrown me- whether a person or difficult work environment. Tiredness can also be a big problem as it can make me feel overwhelmed. However, in this post as I am working part time with two boys with high functioning autism, I realise how much they need me to be in, to be consistent and  I am actually enjoying what I am doing and really like the school.

It is not easy to maintain work consistency when you are bipolar. My medicines stopped working when I was about 22/23 leading to many episodes of depression and then mania, when I was hospitalised two years ago and subsequently stabilised. This meant a year and a half off of work and claiming benefits- Employment Support Allowance.

I am so thankful I am fit to work and that my mood stabilising medications enable me to live a normal fulfilling life. No one knows when my next episode will be, but the medication, therapy and family support I have make such a big difference that I am praying it will be less severe over time.

Looking forward to a happy and restful weekend!

As always, life seems to swirl past in a riotous amount of colour and equal chaos. Sometimes, I am feeling good and able to conquer the anxiety demons and sometimes, i have to succumb and find myself trying to sleep away the sensations of fear.

I had a very positive weekend and week on the whole. I am managing at work and on Saturday (Jewish Sabbath-shabbat) I went out to family friends for a yum lunch and caught up with a good friend afterwards in the afternoon. Yet, sunday morning I woke up and everything felt too much.

I often get like this when I do a lot, I will have a day after where my heart beats fast and I get butterflies in my tummy and want to hide away. I am so trying to deal with this but it feels like anxiety coexists with me waiting to strike when I am tired or stressed. Its also mainly socially based- and I hope one day I will be able to deal with it a bit better.

I feel terrible if i have to cancel social plans because of it. Yet, I must praise myself too for having many good days this week.

About to go to work now, its Monday morning, and I am hoping this week will be good too.

Its so hard to judge when you have anxiety in the background but I won’t let it beat me.

Last week I went to see Giselle with my auntie which was so lovely. It is a beautiful ballet about love and loss. We saw it on a live stream at an Everyman cinema and it was wonderful.

Life with an anxiety disorder often means that irony comes into play. One minute, you are doing fantastically, able to meet lifes challenges and also its mundanity. Then, the next day you are plunged back into anxiety. That is what has occurred over the past two days.

I had planned to write a really positive upbeat post yesterday about how my life had turned around. This is what I had written in my notebook to write (and then I will compare that to today!).:

Monday April 4th: ‘Look how far you’ve come’ 

‘This morning I was walking around the house, about to leave for work, when I looked around and saw I was by myself in the house and wasn’t having a major panic attack about going to work. This is progress.

Only a year and a half/ two years ago, I had come out of hospital after an inpatient stay and was too frightened too even sit still. I could only focus on colouring in a picture as the change in environment and hospital stay had left me traumatised. I experienced things like rapid heart beat, inability to focus or sit still. I was really ill but did get better.

Today I feel anxious. Maybe because its Monday and I am tired and getting to work is a process where I am constantly around or sitting next to people. I get slightly claustrophobic/ socially anxious at times.

I am now in the safe,welcoming confines of the coffee house near work, with its exposed brick, art on the walls, cosy chairs and lovely bolthole atmosphere.Work calls!’

After this, I walked to work and I was fine, I still didn’t really want to be out the house and doing, but I did it and was fine even though I did feel very exhausted by the end of the day. I find that I can’t do everything at the moment and have to pace myself- as getting to work by public transport, work itself and then trying to do domestic chores on top is really hard for me right now. Hopefully it will get easier.

So last night I got in my pyjamas early and chilled out- but I was surrounded by mountains of washing and feeling so tired and overwhelmed. I set my alarm for work, listened to LBC on the radio and went to sleep. Yet, when I woke up- I felt panicky and stressed. Stressed more than anything. I longed for a day of sleep. I didn’t feel like I could go in and had a mini panic attack- as mentioned I often get morning anxiety.  I feel guilty as I am needed at work but I also needed a day to just be.

As I said, a tale of two days!

I havn’t written in a while as it has been an extremely busy week!

The Jewish Festival of Purim was here on Thursday and I dressed up as  Snow White and had meals with friends and family.

Over Shabbat (Saturday), I stayed in Bushey for my Grandpas 90th Birthday shabbat, celebrating with my family. It was lovely.

I am doing OK, though due to the tiredness became a bit less able to cope, in terms of my social anxiety. I had done a lot and the thought of doing more was overwhelming so I have been resting over the past 2 days.

Back at work tomorrow and have a cold (delightful) however I am sure I will have a good week.

Longer update soon!